Abuse and self-esteem

Many people believe that men who are bad to women have low self-esteem. In =
many cases this is not the case. These men's behaviour is not a function of=
 how they feel about themselves but of how they feel about the woman or wom=
en in general.

My former partner Julia was married to a millionaire who was absolutely hor=
rible to her. He did not have low self-esteem. He thought that he was the g=
odliest man he ever knew. His behavior did not come from how he felt about =
himself but of how he felt about her. He did not think that he was a bad pe=
rson; he thought that she was a bad person. And he was terrible to her.

Nazis, Muslims and suchlike do not suffer from low self-esteem. Their probl=
em is wrong beliefs. If you think that Jews are bad, you will be bad to Jew=
s however you feel about yourself. If you think that women are bad, you wil=
l be bad to women however you feel about yourself. Raising self-esteem in t=
hese situations does nothing to correct the problem.

In many cases the man with higher self-esteem will be more attractive or su=
ccessful than man with lower one. That doesn't mean that he will be a bette=
r person. In many cases it works the other way around. If you have higher s=
tandards for yourself you will find it harder to feel good about yourself t=
han if you have lower standards for yourself. The person with lower standar=
ds will have higher self-esteem; the person with higher standards will be a=
 better person.

If you are in a bad relationship: don't try to raise your partner's self-es=
teem. Work on how he sees you and how he sees women.