On parenting

I am writing now on a subject that I know a fair deal about. It is about ho=
w to be a good parent. My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship, and=
 I want to share some insights as to how such can be achieved.

The first ingredient of good parenting is love. If you don=E2=80=99t love y=
our child you might as well give her up for adoption, as you have no chance=
 of being a good parent. Love provides nurturing soil for the raising of li=
fe, and all children deserve to be raised with love.

Another essential is self-control. Children will do things that will anger =
you and annoy you. How you react to that says everything about what you are=
 as a person. Character means controlling what you do with your fists and y=
our mouth. Remain in control at all times and refrain from abusive behavior=
.

Another is treating the child as an intelligent form of life. When children=
 do wrong things many parents punish them or attack them. In many cases tha=
t approach is wrong. What you really need to do is explain to the child why=
 what she is doing is wrong. In most cases the children will understand and=
 react accordingly.

The same approach is necessary in motivating the child. Many parents try to=
 get the children to behave by telling them that they will be losers or cri=
minals if they don=E2=80=99t. That approach is also mistaken. It gets the p=
arent being seen as a bully. Instead the matter needs to be put into the fr=
amework of good will. Tell the child that you want her to have a good life,=
 and that this means staying in school, learning how to deal with people, f=
ollowing the law and avoiding teenage pregnancy.

Another ingredient of successful parenting is responsibility. If you have b=
rought life into the world, you are responsible for it. Many people become =
parents when they aren=E2=80=99t willing to be responsible, and that hurts =
the children and the society.

Still another ingredient is commitment. Your child is the most important th=
ing in your life, and the child needs to know that. Commitment to the child=
 is lifelong. It doesn=E2=80=99t end when the child turns 18. It is valid t=
o encourage the children toward independence; it is not valid to not care w=
hat happens to them after that.

Another is compassion. Children will have their concerns and they will have=
 their struggles. Your job is to be there for them. It is to be their mento=
r and their best friend. It is to use your experience and intelligence to h=
elp them through whatever concerns and whatever struggles they may have.

Another is tolerance and open-mindedness. There are going to be many situat=
ions in which the child is not like the parents, and the parents need to ac=
cept that. There are some =E2=80=93 especially in Asia =E2=80=93 who want c=
hildren to do what their parents did; and that is wrong. Where would we be =
if Isaac Newton, Thomas Jefferson or Steven Jobs did what their parents did=
? Children are not their parents, and in many cases these differences are v=
alid. Children should not be made to do what their parents did. They need t=
o be able to figure out what they themselves stand to be good at, and thus =
be encouraged into directions that reflect their talents rather than the ch=
oices of their parents. I have seen intolerance practiced on both the Right=
 and the Left, and in both cases it is wrong. People should be free to cont=
ribute whatever they stand to contribute, whether or not it accords with th=
e way in which the parents have themselves chosen to live.

Still another is having faith in the child and building confidence and stre=
ngth. Whatever the path the child chooses to take, it is inevitable that sh=
e will be dealing with all sorts of bad people. The child needs to know how=
 to take care of herself. Some children are naturally more sensitive; other=
s less so. In either case strength is something that can be built; and I, h=
aving been the shortest and weakest kid in class, have built strength by do=
ing tons of exercise and demanding of myself a high standard of conduct.

Another is ethics. While ethics can be practiced in oppressive, cruel and h=
ypocritical ways, that is in no way the only possible outcome. It is possib=
le to conduct yourself in an ethical way without doing any of the above. Th=
is coincides with what I=E2=80=99ve written before about treating the child=
 as an intelligent form of life. Teach the child good values and explain th=
e reasons for them, while taking good care to avoid cruelty and hypocrisy. =
That way the value will not be associated with things that are wrong, and t=
he value itself will be preserved.

Still another is respect. While some people think that there is nothing to =
respect about children, in many cases that is not true. My daughter has sho=
wn herself to have good judgment, and she is conscientious and responsible.=
 Her first social interaction at age 1 was coming up to another little girl=
 and giving her a hug. She has many good qualities that I don=E2=80=99t hav=
e, and I respect her.

Many people see wrongdoing done in families and become against family as su=
ch. I used to be one of these people, then I had a family of my own and rea=
lized how foolish that stance was. Like anything human, family can be done =
right and it can be done wrong. What I have done as a parent has worked. I =
suggest these insights to other people.