Re: I'm a basement brimming with nothing great

On Wed, 23 Feb 2022 16:49:18 -0800 (PST)
"Mica H." <[email protected]> wrote:

> It’s been a long time. And blathering to an ancient, empty newsgroup
> is pretty fucking ridiculous. But here we are. This was always a
> place I could say things I was, for whatever reason, unwilling to
> articulate in real life.

An empty newsgroup? Maybe your finely honed corporate skills to ignore
irrelevant stuff are way superior to mine, or maybe you just have a
better usenet provider that properly filters out the inane posts. To
think of said people having such great linguistic skills, only to use
them for self promotion, is making me doubt my own incentives. Are we
the baddies? Like, something destroyed usenet, therefore whatever is
left must be those who killed it? 

> I’m a much more reasonable person than I used to be. No drugs, ingest
> very little alcohol, am faithful as the day is long, practice yoga
> and meditation to quell my natural rage, found a way to run that
> doesn’t trash my knees, take all my vitamins, somehow managed to
> trick myself into regular piano practice, and am still managing to
> weather the corporate world. That sounds like the opposite of angst.
> But somehow it’s not.

Sounds great. Unfortunately my knees have decided not to consider
allowing me longer runs until I kind of lose at least a third of my
body weight. The bastards. I'm currently just bypassing them by making
longer trips on my ebike. Oh the joys of being out somewhere remote
wondering if I brought enough of all the necessary stuff, like sun
protective clothing for warm and cold weather developments, enough
water, navigation stuff, and materials to fix the bike in case something
breaks. Fingers crossed.

> How have I not outgrown this ... itch? This urge toward destruction?
> This generalized compulsion to be bad? And for that matter, why are
> my rhetorical questions still always in triplicate? Oh wait, that’s
> four.

You think it's bad posting here? You amateur. For some of my recent
exploits go look in alt.postmodern. I swear, that guy is worse than
moggin.

> Here’s the thing: I have zero intention of doing any of the
> following, but as of late I am obsessed with … Drugs. Drugs I’ve not
> done in decades that I frankly never much enjoyed in the first place
> and certainly have no tolerance for or access to now. I'm having
> intensely fixated crushes on people I basically see once and never
> again, coupled with fantasies of widowhood (for nonspecific reasons)
> that would make said crushes actionable. I'm fantisizing about
> quitting my job and screwing my retirement. There’s a seriously
> detailed mental map of the sleeve of ink I've alwasy wanted but which
> is now patheticaly age inappropriate. Getting my tits done at 51 is
> sounding totally reasonable. And spending every night in divey clubs
> where the amps make my sternum vibrate and induce tinnitus sounds
> divine.

I'm starting to think that what you need is some self confirmation.
Maybe try to organize a reunion with your high school classmates, they
probably are just as eager as you to ascertain their life has been worth
living. And unlike me, having a partner and a job you might actually
have a chance to compete.

> So what’s the deal? Is this just your garden variety mid life crisis?
> Is it about being pandemically trapped in the house for too long? Is
> it a natural product of having spent nearly 28 years with the same
> human? Is it just the price my warped brain extracts for a a life
> lived responsibly? Fuck all that. Am I seriously going to die without
> ever being content?

Life sucks, and then you die. But what they didn't tell you is that for
most things there are ways to get around them. Some people, like Carlos
Castaneda, claim one should use death as an advisor, and when the
transition appears one should just be like "and yet ...". 

Did you know that the way things were in high school, with the jocks
and bullies looting the early spoils, later on being overtaken by the
much more serious and responsible geeks and nerds acquiring career jobs
and lasting partnerships, might continue later in life too, meaning
that if only you hadn't given in to early second growth spurt
gratifications you might still be pressing down on that self
fulfillment gas pedal, never having to fear of someone passing you by,
because there are just no single fools crazy enough to keep on going, on
that dark, yet enlightening path?