Re: I killed her

On Monday, March 28, 2022 at 12:36:12 AM UTC+10, pinkorangered wrote:
> I can't sleep. When I lie on my left side I can hear my heart beating....me like a fist. I fantasise about what my useless brains would look like, bursting through the back of my skull. Can't do it while Mum's still alive. Can't do it while I have so much stuff. (I don't want anyone going through it, they'll judge me.) Can't do it because I don't have a gun. 
> 
> It seemed like a good idea yesterday to look up my last txts with Fiona. I thought there might be something cute there, some happy memory to cheer me up. The last message from her was a voice-to-text, something like "I"m out of intensive care, should be home in a few days". That was September 2011. My reply? Nothing! Months go by. 18 December, from me, "Are you ip? (sic) I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, late, sorry". And that's it. No reply. She hated birthdays, they reminded her she was pretty much out of time to have the child she wanted so desperately. 
> 
> I don't even remember why she was in hospital, probably an acute psychotic ep. That was a couple of weeks after I'd put her on the plane to Sydney so her mum could look after her, and I took it on myself to complete packing up her house and putting it on the market. She'd tried to walk in front of the train near my house, she'd disappeared for 36 hours, she'd cut her breasts with the breadknife. All cries for help, she just wanted me to care. And what do I do? Export the problem to her mother. I couldn't even be bothered to answer her fucking txt because...I'm a cold, selfish cunt, obviously. Or did I just not care? If I didn't care, why do I care so much now? 
> 
> While I've gone through phases of blaming myself for her death I always talk myself out of it. "She had been deeply depressed most of her life". "Her grandmother and aunt did it, it was her destiny, she told me that". "Her brother was a prick to her, that was probably it". No. I have to face it. I killed Fiona. 
> 
> If we hadn't had the abortion in '99 she'd be alive. If I'd given her empathy instead of cold analysis she'd have known I cared. If I'd replied to her txt. If I'd just called to ask if she was OK. Can you believe I sent a suicidal woman that I loved, who loved me, home to her mother, then didn't contact her for 3 fucking months? What sort of person does that? Did I not care, did I just not know what to say? Lame. What was she going through? I know rejection, I know the frigid emptiness of knowing they don't care. I'm wallowing in it myself, and 11 years after she died, I'm still looking for Fiona to make it all better. But she never can, because I killed her, and I'm so fucking selfish.

Richard, people commit suicide for any number of reasons. I am pretty sure that this lady doing it was not because of you. When Michele died there were people here who were blaming me for her death, which is completely wrong. as she died long after she had rejected me. When a woman whom I loved very much killed herself, I decided that the best way to deal with that is to figure out what she would have wanted done and then do it. I also got two excellent friends who had been her friends. So instead of beating yourself up over this, I recommend that you figure out what she wanted and get it done.