Re: I killed her

On Sun, 27 Mar 2022 07:36:11 -0700 (PDT)
pinkorangered <[email protected]> wrote:

> I can't sleep.  When I lie on my left side I can hear my heart
> beating....me like a fist.  I fantasise about what my useless brains
> would look like, bursting through the back of my skull.  Can't do it
> while Mum's still alive.  Can't do it while I have so much stuff.  (I
> don't want anyone going through it, they'll judge me.) Can't do it
> because I don't have a gun.  
> 
> It seemed like a good idea yesterday to look up my last txts with
> Fiona.  I thought there might be something cute there, some happy
> memory to cheer me up.  The last message from her was a
> voice-to-text, something like "I"m out of intensive care, should be
> home in a few days".  That was September 2011.  My reply? Nothing!
> Months go by.  18 December, from me, "Are you ip? (sic)  I just
> wanted to wish you a happy birthday, late, sorry".  And that's it.
> No reply.  She hated birthdays, they reminded her she was pretty much
> out of time to have the child she wanted so desperately.
> 
> I don't even remember why she was in hospital, probably an acute
> psychotic ep.  That was a couple of weeks after I'd put her on the
> plane to Sydney so her mum could look after her, and I took it on
> myself to complete packing up her house and putting it on the market.
>  She'd tried to walk in front of the train near my house, she'd
> disappeared for 36 hours, she'd cut her breasts with the breadknife.
> All cries for help, she just wanted me to care.  And what do I do?
> Export the problem to her mother.  I couldn't even be bothered to
> answer her fucking txt because...I'm a cold, selfish cunt, obviously.
>  Or did I just not care?  If I didn't care, why do I care so much
> now?  
> 
> While I've gone through phases of blaming myself for her death I
> always talk myself out of it. "She had been deeply depressed most of
> her life".  "Her grandmother and aunt did it, it was her destiny, she
> told me that".  "Her brother was a prick to her, that was probably
> it".  No. I have to face it.  I killed Fiona.  
> 
> If we hadn't had the abortion in '99 she'd be alive.  If I'd given
> her empathy instead of cold analysis she'd have known I cared.  If
> I'd replied to her txt.  If I'd just called to ask if she was OK.
> Can you believe I sent a suicidal woman that I loved, who loved me,
> home to her mother, then didn't contact her for 3 fucking months?
> What sort of person does that?  Did I not care, did I just not know
> what to say?  Lame.  What was she going through?  I know rejection, I
> know the frigid emptiness of knowing they don't care.  I'm wallowing
> in it myself, and 11 years after she died, I'm still looking for
> Fiona to make it all better.  But she never can, because I killed
> her, and I'm so fucking selfish.
> 

It doesn't look like you killed her to me, but maybe it could be argued
you 'let it happen' and that's what's causing you a lot of guilt, or
shame?

Guilt seems to be the basis of western morality, different from eastern
morality, which seems to be about shame. Crudely, covering your ass
versus covering your face.

From your story I can't determine where this matter occurred, except
that you sent her back to her mother in Australia. Somehow I get the
feeling you yourself are in America, but maybe you're not, so Ill try
to make my post a bit more general, limiting myself to observations
about guilt based cultures like the USA, Europe and Australia.

But even though all three of them are guilt based cultures, it doesn't
mean they have the same value system!

In my opinion, originating from within the EU, with a functional health
care system, you shouldn't have to be burdened to the extreme, with
having a mentally ill, or depressed partner. I suppose it would be
different in the USA, where everyone unhappy or experiencing problems
should be crying out for help, accusing everyone in the vicinity for
being complicit in their problems.

According to Noam Chomsky, this is an engineered situation, as the
capitalistic oligarchs cannot win by directing their political puppets
to compete on the ever rising inequality, so they make them create
diversion and strife around women's rights, or gender or race minority
issues, or sexual or religious identities.

This way it is completely normal over there to have the sick or the
poor dance to the rich men's music, or to the music of those who have
become their henchmen, in order to themselves escape the prosecution by
the servants of the rich, or just for switching around a situation where
they were at risk for losing their income, into a situation where they
now are abundantly rewarded, as they always were thinking themselves
entitled to, especially those who already had experienced some
privileges since birth, for purely social status reasons.

In the USA it would be unthinkable not to tip, or even just not to eat
out, for how else would those underpaid people involved with preparing
your food have themselves enough to eat? And, if one would deny beggars
to beg, how would they eat at all? In the EU, the idea of tipping at
a restaurant, or begging in the street is like insulting the owner of
the restaurant for not paying their employees a decent wage, or the
state or the city for not taking care of the poor.

The problem is, with the relentless USA media attack of foreign
cultures, yes, it's hard to see it any other way, many foreign
culture's achievements have been forced to evolve back to a more
primitive form of barbarism, because the solutions found by these other
countries are seen by some minorities in the USA, engineered as they
are by that country's oligarchs, as being offensive, never mind that
they are actually hard won cultural victories, dealing with difficult
issues, by these foreign countries.

So we have to move backwards, to first become the same barbaric cry
bullies as exist in the USA, before we can move on and talk about
things that are categorically forbidden to talk about over there.

It's also why things like 'effective altruism' are neither effective
nor altruistic if they are the result of offers coming from former
economic victims, now in the employ of the oligarchs, handing out money
to those who dance to their tune.

It's why people speaking out in public against women who behave
irrationally are now called fossils, by the rich men's lackeys and also
doxxed and attacked by anonymous cowards via untraceable email, who
claim that all they want is for women to have the same rights as men,
indifferent to the fact that by committing a worse crime, they don't
help arguing the women's cause at all. After all who'd want to help
people who don't speak out against such misbehaving allies?

Also, if one tries to interact with crazy women, one is not rewarded for
taking the trouble to speak with them, all that counts is whether one
has criticized them in public, no matter how long and viciously they
may have attacked you in private.

If one tries to understand what is going on one finds out that the only
way one can find other people with the same experiences is some group
that maybe began as "men going their own way" but that was soon
associated with right wing conspiracies and other unhealthy
organizations.

Then, trying to protect oneself from increasing war propaganda and
censorship as well as these debilitating attacks by supposed
'defenders' of minorities, and retreating from social media sites
controlled by billionaire capitalists, one finds out there are no
alternatives, all social media sites are under American control, like
giant vampire squids sucking their tentacles around your face.

No wonder that most that are willing to help those in need are starting
to think twice, because who knows what newly invented rule one might
break, opening one up to algorithmic control and robotic exclusion from
the media, as well as google orchestrated attacks by anonymous gender
terrorists, that they will now let through, as you have proven yourself
guilty by taking up the case in defense of women, except not in such a
way as to keep them victims that have to cry out against injustice, but
instead trying to treat them as rational beings one can try to
communicate with.

So don't hit yourself over the head too much over your friends demise,
you yourself are just as much a victim of these cultural influences
that are aimed against us by the rich and powerful, in order to keep us
separated and incapable to organize a defense for it, a defense that
would rely on community efforts to help those who experience problems,
financed by the state from taxes on our rich exploiters, and not on the
false sirens of those promising money if one only applies for grants
doled out by the rich for the causes they don't feel threatened by.

It may seem hard at first to operate from this world view, especially
if those who should know better think you're an old fossil, but we're
not living in 2D space any more where only the early birds get their
pick and those coming later for whatever reason, a prolonged academic
study, or just being born a few years too late to start profiting, or
worst case, a combination of both, making them appear 20 years later on
the scene where the handouts were handed out to the people now
calling those who came after them profiteers and parasites, like
"I've got mine", would see the terrain emptied from things one could
use for one's advancement, with seemingly no hope to catch up and leave
those bigots behind, no, instead we're living in a time where we're not
just making inventions, but creating whole new spatial dimensions to
make new discoveries in, like a hyper sphere that keeps expanding and
where it takes shorter and shorter times and routes to get to the
'surface' or the outside of it, like just a single step would have once
completely disappear out of sight from everyone you knew before, and one
could exploit virgin territories untouched by other pioneers.

Unless that is, one stays in the employ, directly or indirectly, of the
oligarchs trying to keep one in the 'effective altruism' paradigm that
remains under their control, limiting one to ancient 2D space with all
the artificial shortages they have caused.

There is no shortage of programmers either, there is just a shortage of
brain dead sycophants working for the billionaire companies, doing their
repressive, limiting work for them.

Instead of doing what she wanted, try to honor her by showing what she,
or anyone else for that matter, could have been, and will be, once we
throw off those who would hold us back.