Re: Red Lipped Stranger by Will Dockery & The Shadowville All-Stars

> George Dance wrote:
> On Oct 2, 5:08 am, Will Dockery <will> wrote:
> 
>> Red Lipped Stranger by Will Dockery & The Shadowville All-Stars /
>> Written by Will Dockery, Brian Mallard & Henry Conley / Vocals - Will
>> Dockery / Vocals - Gini Woolfolk / Guitar - Brian Mallard / Art - Gary
>> Frankfurth / Produced by Robbie Wright © 2009
>> 
>> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBhcN1WK144
>> 
>> Red Lipped Stranger
>> 
>> Her creep crawls
>> the narrow stairway
>> of the Candlelight Motel
>> to watch for her
>> from a window.
>> 
>> Rethinking
>> his infatuation
>> but clinging
>> to his vision of her
>> as the red lipped stranger.
>> 
>> Downstairs
>> the desk clerk's cat
>> slithers through
>> the service entrance.
>> 
>> The vampirate
>> on a motorbike
>> passes below
>> to the westbound bridge
>> werewolf on her back.
>> 
>> Jennifer at riverbend
>> watches gunboats
>> smacks her foot
>> on the bright red clay.
>> 
>> Jennifer gives good lyric
>> she wrote this poem
>> she's no bum.
>> 
>> But she's not there
>> on the other side
>> of the greenish wall.
>> 
>> Through a three-inch-wall
>> he hears
>> bedsprings rattle
>> rustle of dry-hump,
>> some guy's mumbles.
>> 
>> Hears the fat blonde waitress
>> whip it in bondage
>> the sounds
>> lull him to sleep.
>> 
>> The hand of Uncle Sugar
>> still taking notes
>> as a new standard bearer
>> hands out trophies
>> to the winners.
>> 
>> His trillion dollar gash
>> flakes from the bone
>> as gravity tears
>> a pound of dust.
>> 
>> Clings to a picture book
>> the missing part of himself
>> as if perpetually
>> anchored
>> to his invisible erection.
>> 
>> At Lucky Seven Lounge
>> she tries
>> not to reveal herself
>> but she stubbornly clutches
>> her empty shoes.
>> 
>> Something
>> seems missing
>> in the broad daylight
>> when the details
>> are displayed.
>> 
>> All that remains are
>> her flat black hat
>> her oversized lantern
>> her broken laptop.
>> 
>> No poor boy on the street
>> can speak of her
>> or the island on the river.
>> Or about her return...
>> her resurrection.
>> 
>> -Will Dockery
>> 
> 
> 
> I recognize phrases like "watching gunboats" and "she's no bum" from
> the early 2209 "Let's write a poem" group thread (from lines you
> contributed, I should add.) I didn't like what you'd done with them at
> first glance; maybe because I was comparing them with other poems that
> resulted. Or maybe this isn't a poem, just poetic lyrics; because I
> needed to hear the song in order to appreciate them (and that's my
> criterion  They work very well with the music to tell the story and
> set the mood. So does your voice (on the song, not your poetic 'voice)
> -- you've got just the right note of creepy menace.
> 
> The only change I'd insist on is 'vampirette' at the beginning of S4;
> I think the sound and meaning come through more clearly using that
> spelling.
> 
> Your line breaks aren't a big deal if this is primarily a song lyric,
> meant to be heard rather than read -- and you may prefer the short
> lines; but I'd like to show you how it would read with a mix of longer
> and shorter lines. (I like the result myself.)
> 
> 
> Red Lipped Stranger
> 
> Her creep crawls the narrow stairway
> of the Candlelight Motel to watch for her
> from a window.
> 
> Rethinking his infatuation
> but clinging to his vision of her
> as the red lipped stranger.
> 
> Downstairs the desk clerk's cat
> slithers through
> the service entrance.
> 
> The vampirette on a motorbike
> passes below to the westbound bridge
> werewolf on her back.
> 
> Jennifer at riverbend watches gunboats
> smacks her foot
> on the bright red clay.
> 
> Jennifer gives good lyric
> she wrote this poem
> she's no bum.
> 
> But she's not there on the other side
> of the greenish wall.
> 
> Through a three-inch-wall he hears
> bedsprings rattle, rustle of dry-hump,
> some guy's mumbles.
> 
> Hears the fat blonde waitress
> whip it in bondage ... the sounds
> lull him to sleep.
> 
> The hand of Uncle Sugar still taking notes
> as a new standard bearer hands out trophies
> to the winners.
> 
> His trillion dollar gash flakes from the bone
> as gravity tears a pound of dust. Clings to a picture book
> the missing part of himself, as if perpetually
> anchored
> to his invisible erection.
> 
> At Lucky Seven Lounge
> she tries not to reveal herself
> but she stubbornly clutches
> her empty shoes.
> 
> Something seems missing
> in the broad daylight
> when the details are displayed.
> 
> All that remains are her flat black hat
> her oversized lantern
> her broken laptop.
> 
> No poor boy on the street can speak of her
> or the island on the river, or about her return...
> her resurrection.
> 
> -Will Dockery
> 
> You might want to put in more punctuation in that (maybe where I cut
> line breaks).
> 
> What made me start playing with that was another couple of thoughts I
> had: first, that you should print the lyrics on the YT page; second,
> that you could give a link to your original post instead. (That might
> lead some new people to discover usenet.)
> 
> Keep writing and posting.



From the archives, a well written poetry critique from 17 years ago by George J. Dance.

😏 


This response appears in the discussion at:
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=658776696#658776696

-- 
Via JLA Forums web gateway for alt.arts.poetry.comments:
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewforum.php?f=655