Re: Official Owner's Manual

Patrick Lee Humphrey  <[email protected]> wrote in 
news:[email protected]:

> On Fri, 16 Jun 2023 15:05:30 -0700 (PDT), jdyöung
> <[email protected]> wrote:
> 
>> Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled
>> properly, your nigger will give years of valuable, if reluctant,
>> service.
>>
>> INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER. You should install your nigger differently
>> according to whether you have purchased the field or house model.
>> Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained
>> together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately on unpacking
>> it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many
>> niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit
>> can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House
>> niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or
>> hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
>>
>> At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use
>> the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too
>> much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton,
>> Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective
>> names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be
>> called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger
>> hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous
>> names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's
>> head, by the way.
>>
>> CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER. Owing to a design error, your nigger comes
>> equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only
>> a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the
>> most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises
>> and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and
>> have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will
>> be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere
>> near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say anyway.
>>
>> Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours,
>> mine, and that of white women, not the nigger's). This is strongly
>> recommended, and frankly it's a mystery why this is not done on the
>> boat.
>>
>> HOUSING YOUR NIGGER. Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with
>> stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to
>> push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers
>> per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage
>> can accommodate two hundred niggers.
>>
>> You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry
>> about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of
>> wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers
>> never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any
>> case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as
>> the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in
>> Africa, so it will stay put.
>>
>> Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same
>> cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
>>
>> FEEDING YOUR NIGGER. Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and
>> waddymelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because
>> its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on
>> porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its
>> diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc.
>>
>> Experienced nigger owners sometimes push waddymelon slices through the
>> bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if
>> all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day.
>> Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a
>> killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of
>> their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free
>> waddymelon for his niggers as a result.
>>
>> You should *never* allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since
>> if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be
>> retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger
>> to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no
>> idea.
>>
>> MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK. Niggers are very, very averse to work of any
>> kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature is, after all,
>> its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable
>> for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire
>> life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint
>> quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way.
>>
>> The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After
>> installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a
>> wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all
>> that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow.
>> Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers
>> to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man
>> returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and
>> laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day
>> indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ
>> of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.
>>
>> Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed
>> and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until
>> around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
>>
>> DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS. Niggers die on average at around 40, which
>> some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people
>> prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the
>> license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your
>> nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
>>
>> COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
>>
>> MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
>> Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are
>> we, short of niggers or something?
>>
>> MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
>> They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any
>> white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
>>
>> WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
>> Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely.
>> If niggers successfully overthrew their owners they'd have to sort out
>> their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent
>> (until some fool gave them rights).
>>
>> MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RASSISM".
>> Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
>>
>> MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A
>> NIGGER?
>> A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color
>> you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some
>> models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".
>>
>> MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
>> What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
>>
>> WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
>> They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of
>> them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage
>> with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops
>> acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the
>> niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
>>
>> MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
>> And you were expecting what?
>>
>> MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
>> This is normal.
>>
>> SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
>> Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to
>> fornicate with *other* niggers.
>>
>> SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
>> When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger
>> storage"? …That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
>>
>> WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY OF NIGGER?
>> I don't really understand the question ("better quality of nigger"…..?
>> WTF?) but niggers are always available for sale on alt.flame.niggers.
>>

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