Re: Official Owner's Manual

In article <[email protected]>,
Kenneth McVay OBC  <[email protected]> wrote:
>Patrick Lee Humphrey  <[email protected]> wrote in 
>news:[email protected]:
>
>> On Fri, 16 Jun 2023 15:05:30 -0700 (PDT), jdyöung
>> <[email protected]> wrote:
>> 
>>> Congratulations on your purchase of a brand new nigger! If handled
>>> properly, your nigger will give years of valuable, if reluctant,
>>> service.
>>>
>>> INSTALLING YOUR NIGGER. You should install your nigger differently
>>> according to whether you have purchased the field or house model.
>>> Field niggers work best in a serial configuration, i.e. chained
>>> together. Chain your nigger to another nigger immediately on unpacking
>>> it, and don't even think about taking that chain off, ever. Many
>>> niggers start singing as soon as you put a chain on them. This habit
>>> can usually be thrashed out of them if nipped in the bud. House
>>> niggers work best as standalone units, but should be hobbled or
>>> hamstrung to prevent attempts at escape.
>>>
>>> At this stage, your nigger can also be given a name. Most owners use
>>> the same names over and over, since niggers become confused by too
>>> much data. Rufus, Rastus, Remus, Toby, Carslisle, Carlton,
>>> Hey-You!-Yes-you!, Yeller, Blackstar, and Sambo are all effective
>>> names for your new buck nigger. If your nigger is a ho, it should be
>>> called Latrelle, L'Tanya, or Jemima. Some owners call their nigger
>>> hoes Latrine for a joke. Pearl, Blossom, and Ivory are also righteous
>>> names for nigger hoes. These names go straight over your nigger's
>>> head, by the way.
>>>
>>> CONFIGURING YOUR NIGGER. Owing to a design error, your nigger comes
>>> equipped with a tongue and vocal chords. Most niggers can master only
>>> a few basic human phrases with this apparatus - "muh dick" being the
>>> most popular. However, others make barking, yelping, yapping noises
>>> and appear to be in some pain, so you should probably call a vet and
>>> have him remove your nigger's tongue. Once de-tongued your nigger will
>>> be a lot happier - at least, you won't hear it complaining anywhere
>>> near as much. Niggers have nothing interesting to say anyway.
>>>
>>> Many owners also castrate their niggers for health reasons (yours,
>>> mine, and that of white women, not the nigger's). This is strongly
>>> recommended, and frankly it's a mystery why this is not done on the
>>> boat.
>>>
>>> HOUSING YOUR NIGGER. Your nigger can be accommodated in cages with
>>> stout iron bars. Make sure, however, that the bars are wide enough to
>>> push pieces of nigger food through. The rule of thumb is, four niggers
>>> per square yard of cage. So a fifteen foot by thirty foot nigger cage
>>> can accommodate two hundred niggers.
>>>
>>> You can site a nigger cage anywhere, even on soft ground. Don't worry
>>> about your nigger fashioning makeshift shovels out of odd pieces of
>>> wood and digging an escape tunnel under the bars of the cage. Niggers
>>> never invented the shovel before and they're not about to now. In any
>>> case, your nigger is certainly too lazy to attempt escape. As long as
>>> the free food holds out, your nigger is living better than it did in
>>> Africa, so it will stay put.
>>>
>>> Buck niggers and hoe niggers can be safely accommodated in the same
>>> cage, as bucks never attempt sex with black hoes.
>>>
>>> FEEDING YOUR NIGGER. Your Nigger likes fried chicken, corn bread, and
>>> waddymelon. You should therefore give it none of these things because
>>> its lazy ass almost certainly doesn't deserve it. Instead, feed it on
>>> porridge with salt, and creek water. Your nigger will supplement its
>>> diet with whatever it finds in the fields, other niggers, etc.
>>>
>>> Experienced nigger owners sometimes push waddymelon slices through the
>>> bars of the nigger cage at the end of the day as a treat, but only if
>>> all niggers have worked well and nothing has been stolen that day.
>>> Mike of the Old Ranch Plantation reports that this last one is a
>>> killer, since all niggers steal something almost every single day of
>>> their lives. He reports he doesn't have to spend much on free
>>> waddymelon for his niggers as a result.
>>>
>>> You should *never* allow your nigger meal breaks while at work, since
>>> if it stops work for more than ten minutes it will need to be
>>> retrained. You would be surprised how long it takes to teach a nigger
>>> to pick cotton. You really would. Coffee beans? Don't ask. You have no
>>> idea.
>>>
>>> MAKING YOUR NIGGER WORK. Niggers are very, very averse to work of any
>>> kind. The nigger's most prominent anatomical feature is, after all,
>>> its oversized buttocks, which have evolved to make it more comfortable
>>> for your nigger to sit around all day doing nothing for its entire
>>> life. Niggers are often good runners, too, to enable them to sprint
>>> quickly in the opposite direction if they see work heading their way.
>>>
>>> The solution to this is to *dupe* your nigger into working. After
>>> installation, encourage it towards the cotton field with blows of a
>>> wooden club, fence post, baseball bat, etc., and then tell it that all
>>> that cotton belongs to a white man, who won't be back until tomorrow.
>>> Your nigger will then frantically compete with the other field niggers
>>> to steal as much of that cotton as it can before the white man
>>> returns. At the end of the day, return your nigger to its cage and
>>> laugh at its stupidity, then repeat the same trick every day
>>> indefinitely. Your nigger comes equipped with the standard nigger IQ
>>> of 75 and a memory to match, so it will forget this trick overnight.
>>>
>>> Niggers can start work at around 5am. You should then return to bed
>>> and come back at around 10am. Your niggers can then work through until
>>> around 10pm or whenever the light fades.
>>>
>>> DISPOSAL OF DEAD NIGGERS. Niggers die on average at around 40, which
>>> some might say is 40 years too late, but there you go. Most people
>>> prefer their niggers dead, in fact. When yours dies, report the
>>> license number of the car that did the drive-by shooting of your
>>> nigger. The police will collect the nigger and dispose of it for you.
>>>
>>> COMMON PROBLEMS WITH NIGGERS
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER IS VERY AGGRESSIVE.
>>> Have it put down, for god's sake. Who needs an uppity nigger? What are
>>> we, short of niggers or something?
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER KEEPS RAPING WHITE WOMEN, BUT NEVER BLACK HOES.
>>> They all do this. Shorten your nigger's chain so it can't reach any
>>> white women, and arm heavily any white women who might go near it.
>>>
>>> WILL MY NIGGER ATTACK ME?
>>> Not unless it outnumbers you 20 to 1, and even then, it's not likely.
>>> If niggers successfully overthrew their owners they'd have to sort out
>>> their own food. This is probably why nigger uprisings were nonexistent
>>> (until some fool gave them rights).
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER KEEPS BLEATING ABOUT ITS "RIGHTS" AND "RASSISM".
>>> Yeah, well, it would. Tell it to shut the fuck up.
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER'S HIDE IS A FUNNY COLOR. WHAT IS THE CORRECT SHADE FOR A
>>> NIGGER?
>>> A nigger's skin is actually more or less transparent. That brown color
>>> you can see is the shit your nigger is full of. This is why some
>>> models of nigger are sold as "The Shitskin".
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER ACTS EXACTLY LIKE A NIGGER, BUT IS WHITE.
>>> What you have there is a "wigger". Rough crowd.
>>>
>>> WOW! IS THAT LIKE AN ALBINO? ARE THEY RARE OR VALUABLE?
>>> They're as common as dog shit and about as valuable. In fact, one of
>>> them was President between 1992 and 2000. Put your wigger in a cage
>>> with a few hundred genuine niggers and you'll soon find it stops
>>> acting like a nigger. However, leave it in the cage and let the
>>> niggers dispose of it. The best thing for any wigger is a dose of TNB.
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER SMELLS REALLY BAD.
>>> And you were expecting what?
>>>
>>> MY NIGGER DISPLAYS A MASSIVE SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT.
>>> This is normal.
>>>
>>> SHOULD I ALLOW MY NIGGER TO FORNICATE WITH OTHER NIGGERS?
>>> Where are we, Wonderland? You'll have a lot of trouble getting it to
>>> fornicate with *other* niggers.
>>>
>>> SHOULD I STORE MY DEAD NIGGER?
>>> When you came in here, did you see a sign that said "Dead nigger
>>> storage"? …That's because there ain't no goddamn sign.
>>>
>>> WHERE CAN I BUY MYSELF A BETTER QUALITY OF NIGGER?
>>> I don't really understand the question ("better quality of nigger"…..?
>>> WTF?) but niggers are always available for sale on alt.flame.niggers.
>>>
>
>Another piece of Usenet scum returns from the grave.
>

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