YEAR IN REVIEW: Hillary Clinton Probably Murdered Joe Biden's Dog and Other Thoughts on 2021

Biff Diddle • December 23, 2021 11:30 am

Freedom fighters, friends, and former lovers:

I assume you've had an eventful year. I certainly have.

In January, for example, I finally got to tour the U.S. Capitol 
building. In March, I made it down to Mar-a-Lago for an enchanting 
black-tie gala to celebrate the cucking of Jeff Bezos. Diamond and 
Silk had to help me back to my room at 4 a.m. (Wink, wink.) I ended 
up missing my flight to Mekelle the next day, but Jake Paul was kind 
enough to let me borrow his jet.

Over the summer, I made a small fortune trading meme stocks and 
proceeded to turn that small fortune into a metric buttload by 
playing the crypto markets and shorting Peloton. Easiest decision 
I've ever made. Riding a bicycle outdoors is bad enough, but at 
least I can still run you over with my car.

Unfortunately, after cashing out in August I was swindled by some 
losers on the dark web. It would seem that "Cuddle Skunk" and his 
associate "gRaNDAddY_p00N" were more than happy to pocket the $19.2 
million I wired them for the "gently used MQ-9 Reaper Drone" they 
claimed to be selling, but weren't as inclined to deliver the goods. 
"Dat ass d'Liewen," as the saying goes.

By that point I desperately needed a vacation. After an exhilarating 
fortnight in Kabul, I shacked up with a TikTok babe in Paris. Her 
name started with a "C," I think, but her content was always on 
fleek. We broke into Le Château d'Epstein and made love for days. 
The whole place reeked of hot sauce for some reason. I left without 
saying goodbye and eventually made it down to Saint-Tropez, where I 
caught a ride home on Joe Manchin's other secret yacht, the No F—s 
Given.

The Tokyo Olympics sucked, by the way. Just wanted to get that off 
my chest. And don't get me started on Afghanistan, it's too 
depressing. We might not be living in the Islamic Republic of 
Obamastine anymore, but it sure does feel like America has gotten 
tired of winning. People keep asking me if I think Joe Biden is a 
bigger failure as president than Jimmy Carter. Probably, would be my 
answer, though I can't really say for sure on account of all the 
Quaaludes I was on between 1975-1982. I remember smoking a cigar on 
a rooftop in Isfahan the night I heard that washed-up old hippie 
John Lennon got shot. That's about it.

Merry Christmas, by the way. It feels so nice to be able to say that 
in public again. Enjoy it while you still can. The libs are getting 
desperate and would like nothing more than to impose their depraved 
"Science Daddy" BDSM fantasies on the rest of us. I've had every 
single godforsaken variant of the ChiCom clap. I can still bench 
315. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the libs decided to kill the 
#MeToo movement on behalf of President Dementia McGropeyhands and 
Gov. Nipples D'Alfredo. They can shut the hell up about everything 
else.

I have a few other thoughts about 2021, so I'm just going to list 
them below, if that's alright with you.

• Is Hillary Clinton going to wait until Ghislaine Maxwell is 
convicted to snuff her out or what? I don't understand the logic of 
delaying the inevitable. Granted, she's not as spry as she used to 
be, but that didn't stop her from sending Major the White House 
German Shepherd to "live in a quieter environment with family 
friends."

• Too many perverts working at CNN these days. Even for a media 
company, that's just ridiculous.

• Bosnian meat is the best meat. The mainstream media doesn't want 
you to know this.

• I could be persuaded to get the vaccine if Donald Trump was 
personally involved in the process. I wouldn't let him give me the 
shot but I'd definitely feel more comfortable if he was in the room 
and watching the whole time.

• These mask mandates have really messed with our heads. For 
example, I can't stop congratulating strangers for having a "great 
mouth" when they remove their mask in my presence. I know how creepy 
it sounds, I just can't help it. If they don't take it off, I just 
keep trying to imagine what their mouth looks like underneath. It's 
all I ever dream about these days. Surely I'm not the only one?


• Vin Diesel is a living legend. At the age of 54, his virtuoso 
performance in F9 was a more impressive achievement than Tom Brady 
winning his seventh Super Bowl.

• If I hadn't already lost almost $20 million on a dark web Reaper 
drone scheme, I'd pay at least that much to watch Jake Sullivan 
fight Jared Kushner in The Octagon.

• You don't have to be a communist to admit that Alexandria Ocasio-
Cortez is a certified smokeshow, but Kyrsten Sinema has a prettier 
mouth and it's not even close.

War and love,

Biff Diddle


https://freebeacon.com/satire/biff-diddle-reviews-2021/

--
Sorry dude(s), but if you think AOC is "hot" - you couldn't attract 
smell to a turd, or you have some really sad ugly fucking women in 
your life.

Props to Kyrsten Sinema mouth observation tho.