What I Learned About Socialism From Reddit

https://www.piratewires.com/p/what-i-learned-about-socialism-from

Say what you will about former chairman of the Chinese Communist Party 
Mao Zedong, the dude bagged a lot of chicks.

Sure, he often did so while married, had to be treated for several 
venereal diseases as a result, and started sleeping with a girl when she 
was 14, but that’s beside the point — what’s important is the dude was a 
magnet for hot Asian ass, with an alluring “start stripping or I’ll kill 
your family” kind of charm, and while many of his people may have been 
starving, the same can’t be said for homeboy in the bedroom. This makes 
communism cool. Obviously.

Today, Mao’s horny spirit lives on in the form of Hasan Piker, avid 
reader of the deceased dictator and macho poster boy of the DSA movement 
sweeping across the country. As socialists currently attempt to convince 
us they’re undergoing a “Woke 2” evolution — out with the Karen 
aesthetics of a blue-haired chick screaming her pronouns, in with the 
Chad aesthetics of a jacked straight guy calling for your assets to be 
seized to fund third-world fraud — Hasan has become something of a 
socialist brand ambassador, campaigning with DSA candidates everywhere 
from Michigan to New York City.

Oh, and these candidates are winning, too. Not just elections, but also 
the hearts and minds of young people. The question remains, though: what 
do these ascendent socialists actually believe? And more importantly: 
could understanding their ideology help me unlock the secret to becoming 
an ultramasculine, commie pussy slayer like Hasan and Mao?

I decided to find out by going on Reddit, a website for people who 
definitely have a lot of sex. There, a popular subreddit called 
“r/Socialism_101” teaches 76,000 weekly visitors the basics of the 
ideology by “provid[ing] answers and tools for an early contact with 
socialist thought,” while also redirecting many of its visitors to the 
work of popular influencers like Hasan and the Marxist YouTuber Hakim.

A sample query found on the subreddit: how do I convince people I’m not 
“jealous” of Ellon (sic) Musk? 
https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/10b672e6-d1f1-4420-b983-5d7e99e5999e_1200x534.png

Following a thorough investigation, here’s what I discovered in my quest 
to become an absolute virile f*ck machine learn more about a burgeoning 
political movement in America.

I tried to begin my education with an open mind about socialism, but it 
turns out, old assumptions are harder to shake than I expected. For 
example: being the clueless idiot that I am, I assumed things like 
“famines” that result in “high death counts” numbering in the “tens of 
millions” were bad.

Thankfully, my first lesson in Socialism 101 dispensed with that silly 
notion immediately — famines, I discovered, are simply a “gotcha” used 
by normie libs to malign the good name of Saint Karl Marx.

https://substack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com/public/images/5d1376fb-eede-452a-a137-4f27fdafc3ed_1238x740.png

Clearly, there was much for me to learn. But if I wasn’t already 
confused during our socialist history class, our socialist vocabulary 
lesson would prove to be even more mystifying.

There, a fellow student asked: is it “ableist” to use words like 
“stupid” and “crazy” while we go about our business liberating the 
proletariat?

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‘Lmao no you stupid Reddit idiot,’ was my first thought, followed by 
‘who cares, get to the part where we learn how to scoop up chicks.’ But 
to my surprise, our socialist instructors preached patience, and agreed 
with our comrade here that we must be careful with our words.

“I’d be in favor of pushing to get people to remove them from our 
vocabulary,” explained one insightful socialist thought leader on the 
subreddit. He (forgive me for gender-assuming, sensei) went on to add 
that “misogyny-aligned” terms should be removed from our lexicon as 
well, and that if we must resort to insults, we should use phrases that 
“punch up instead of down.”

Some examples he lists: “Nepo baby,” “dick cheese”, or my personal 
favorite, “anal fissure.”

I was now equipped with a quiver of new, socialist-approved, 
disability-friendly insults to use the next time some dumb bitch — 
sorry, “intellectually impaired anal fissure” — cuts me off in traffic.

But I wasn’t ready to start making like Mao just yet. In fact, my next 
lesson would prove to completely upend everything I thought I knew about 
this ideology.

You see folks, while socialists fight hard to “stand up for the 
proletariat” by demanding the forced redistribution of wealth and 
private property… it turns out, they don’t actually care about these 
humble, everyday, blue-collar workers (lmao ok maybe this part wasn’t 
actually that revealing).

Instead, many socialists today have grown “disillusioned” by the working 
class — and precisely because of their aforementioned “ableist,” 
“misogynistic” vocabulary and otherwise crass, chud-like mannerisms.

Case in point: another instructor by the name of “MinutePomegranate587” 
told a story about a pair of construction workers who made fun of 
Pomegranate’s tote bag, calling it a “purse.” This story and its many 
helpful lessons are worth reposting below — not to demonstrate what an 
out-of-touch dweeb Professor Pomegranate is, but so that you all may be 
enlightened, as I have been, about what socialism today is really all about:


     "I need to vent, because I’m honestly vibrating with anxiety and 
frustration right now.

     Like most of you, I identify as a socialist. I read theory, I 
support unions, and I genuinely believe in dismantling capitalist 
structures. But lately, I am finding it harder and harder to advocate 
for the actual members of the working class, because, let’s be honest, 
so many of them are completely steeped in toxic masculinity and 
reactionary, anti-progressive attitudes.

     I was at the local café down the street from my apartment this 
morning, trying to get some grading/reading done before logging into my 
remote job. It was raining, so I had my umbrella. I also happen to carry 
a canvas tote bag from my university’s literature department.

     Two construction workers in high-vis vests came in. They were 
incredibly loud, taking up way too much physical space, and completely 
ignoring the unspoken social contract of quiet morning spaces. I was 
already feeling a bit overstimulated.

     As they walked past my table, one of them looked at my tote bag, 
then at my umbrella, and said, entirely unprovoked, “Hey buddy, careful 
with that umbrella, don’t want it getting caught on your purse.”

     It was a “joke,” I guess. “Playful” teasing. But it felt so deeply 
coded in gender policing and fragile heteronormativity…

     How are we supposed to build solidarity with people who actively 
despise our values? I’m starting to feel like the actual proletariat has 
zero interest in progress. They don’t want a socialist utopia; they just 
want to eat meat, drive giant trucks, and make fun of people who read 
books."


Powerful. All Pomegranate wanted to do was dismantle capitalist 
structures from the comfort of his local cafe… and these meat-eating 
brutes have the nerve to make a playful joke about a tote bag he got 
from the university literature department? Needless to say, being a 
socialist today is clearly a thankless endeavor (other than all the 
pussy you get, of course).

While I still had a long way to go before becoming an expert on the 
subject, my time spent on r/Socialism_101 — one of the most popular 
socialist think spaces on the internet, where many more (insane) lessons 
like the ones shared above are posted by a steady stream of Redditors on 
a daily basis — had at least given me a cursory understanding of the 
nature and laws governing socialist thought today. This includes: mass 
starvation isn’t that bad, using the word “dumb” is ableist, and the 
“proletariat” we claim to be fighting for actually kinda suck.

After a careful review of my notes, and a few spritzes of cologne on my 
Che Guevara T-shirt and literature department tote bag, it was time to 
head to the local dive bar full of working-class, meathead idiots and 
put my socialist rizz to the test:

‘Sup bitches — I mean, uh, heteronormative cisgendered birthing persons 
— are we in one of those fake, overblown famines or do you always look 
that fit?’

— Riley Nork