My parents are guillotine while I'm in the wom, because they're king of France newly weds and newly throned.

I'm aborted 1 month before due date Dec 17th. 5 days old I'm banished for 600+ years. At the start of WWII Germans invaded the throne of France and spoiled themselves after importing me into the U.S. in a medieval marvel of engineering machine.

John I of France 1316 if I'm foreign, Nicholas Forystek born in El Dorado county CA if I'm special, and Nicholas Forystek born in 1979 if your an idiot for me, in which case no lead attorney as you walk off the continent claimant too. 

Notice: US court is timeless. Your first warning.