Why I decided to shoot all my Bud Light: A letter to my 'woke' liberal neighbors

I see on the local Facebook page that some have been wondering why I 
recently put three cases of Bud Light on a folding table in my backyard 
and then shot them to shreds with my AR-15.

Under the rules of the Second Amendment, I don’t have to answer your 
questions (look it up, libs), but in the interest of being neighborly, I 
will.

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The answer is simple: Anheuser-Busch has gone woke.

The company I have long supported by getting day drunk on Bud Light 
recently caved to the absurd liberal notion that we should treat everyone 
with kindness and respect by partnering with Dylan Mulvaney, who I’m told 
by Google is “a transgender social media influencer.”

Kid Rock shot his Bud Light, so I shot mine
I learned about this through my primary news source, Kid Rock’s Instagram 
page. Mr. Rock posted a video of himself shooting cases of Bud Light, 
saying, “(Expletive) Bud Light. (Expletive) Anheuser-Busch!” 

It was clear from that moment that I too, as a patriot, needed to purchase 
several cases of Bud Light and then destroy them with the same type of 
firearm used in most mass shootings. If this act of responsible protest 
offended your delicate sensibilities, I’ll be happy to loan you my 
“Liberal Tears” mug.

While none of you so-called Americans in the neighborhood joined me in my 
battle against creeping wokeness, many high-profile conservatives did, 
including country music star Travis Tritt, who banned all Anheuser-Busch 
products from his tour, and GOP presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy, 
who called it “the worst kind of woke capitalism.”

Former professional baseball player Aubrey Huff tweeted: “My God how dumb 
you have to be @budlight? Can’t wait to see the next quarter sales. 
#cancelbudlight”

I and my fellow truth-tellers took time away from our important crusade 
against the horrors of liberal cancel culture to encourage others to 
never, ever drink Bud Light again. I dare any of you to name a more noble 
quest than protesting a company by purchasing and then destroying its 
products while drawing vast, unpaid national attention to its brand. 

But despite the righteousness of shooting several dozen cans of beer I had 
just paid for, all I hear from you neighbors are complaints. What harm am 
I causing, aside from one stray bullet lightly grazing Ms. Henderson’s 
labradoodle? 

Look, I realize there were some minor issues back in 2018 when I purchased 
five dozen pairs of Nike sneakers and burned them in my backyard to 
protest the company featuring Colin Kaepernick in an ad. How was I 
supposed to know the flames would reach the grape arbor in Don’s yard?

And I know some of you didn’t like it last year when I learned through 
Newsmax host Greg Kelly that Oreo cookies had gone woke by joining PFLAG 
to produce a short film on coming out. What set me off was Kelly’s 
insightful tweet that read: “COOKIE! I love COOKIES. C is for COOKIE. 
COOKIE IS FOR ME. I do NOT like GAY COOKIES. ‘Sexuality’ has NOTHING TO DO 
with the Cookie experience.  Cookies are for ALL! Basically Cookies are 
‘asexual’---why is the WOKE LEFT messing around with OREOS?!?!  STOP THE 
INSANITY.”

That inspired me to purchase all the Oreos they had at the grocery store, 
dump them in the middle of the road in front of my house and run them over 
with the same Hummer I used to smash the 25 Keurig coffee makers I bought 
after the company stopped advertising on Fox News’ Sean Hannity show.

Well, I guess my First Amendment rights are a little too much for the 
sheep in this neighborhood. I’m not going to apologize, because apologies 
are a tool of the woke left, but I will refrain from shooting any more 
beer.

And I can guarantee that, because I’ve now switched to Coors Light, so if 
you need me, I’ll be in the driveway in all my nonwoke glory, sitting 
peacefully in a lawn chair next to my Hummer – which I leave idling to 
protest the climate change hoax – taking long sips of ... wait a minute. 
Why is the Google telling me Coors Light is "among the most progressive 
for its employee policies toward gays" and "has been advertising in gay 
publications since the 1980's"?

WOKENESS IS EVERYWHERE!

<https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/opinion/why-i-decided-to-shoot-all-my-bud-
light-a-letter-to-my-woke-liberal-neighbors/ar-
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