Poems: 021120 - November 2nd, 2020

011120A
------------=20

In between=20
the nose up climbers
and the low life laughers
we know all the places
where everything dies.

You die to me=20
I die to you=20
and we all die out=20
in the vast mix it up
of all togethers.=20

Sitting here=20
in a nowhere to go=20
and been there too often=20
feeling the cut down
to it has all gone wrong.=20

Whatever got done=20
I can't really say=20
so I shrug it all off
as nothing at all
for any talk about.=20

The long way=20
to get nowhere=20
that you would want=20
among rearranging=20
emptied gestures.=20

I was dreaming=20
nothing to speak of =20
knowing they killed it=20
in a last ditch=20
at the last chance.=20

I could fall for you=20
but there is no point=20
in beginning something
someone else will finish
before we count a score.=20

Don't feel sorry cause
I can do that myself=20
without any help
from more audience=20
threatening participation.=20

-------------------------------=20

011120B
-----------=20

Grey November=20
with a worn out look=20
drags across=20
my desolate feelings=20
giving me something=20
to publicly deny.=20

We have to seem to be
our very own pedestals
pretending at something=20
going on top
for the world to see
as our nothing at all.=20

It wasn't always=20
such an edge of forever
way it goes personal=20
between the same adverts
about the same things
we haven't bought into.=20

You don't want any=20
of what I actually have=20
but you despise me=20
for what I did not choose
to actually get
from a list of please do.=20

Chills of  shudder days=20
feeling broken up=20
a damp fill nights
wormed in under cover=20
tucked in under tangled
whispers of regrets.=20

We are not there=20
and we never will be=20
given the given facts=20
as to what they took away
that never comes back=20
in any way that it goes.=20

Long way to be going=20
to never really know=20
anything we came for=20
having lost too much=20
on the way there
to some more nothing.=20

Makes you wonder=20
what it really feels like=20
that someone got lucky=20
but you don't really know
the real feeling
in what others say.=20

There is no way out=20
that I would want to go=20
but we never got in=20
to anything close
to making any difference=20
between maybe and not.=20

I don't know=20
and you don't want me=20
knowing anything more =20
as to what it might be like=20
to know anything of us
that is in any way close.=20

-----------------------------=20

011120C
-----------=20

They say you will see
what you can do=20
but that is the same thing=20
that they always say.=20

It is never the way
the way that it goes=20
in this mass disconnect=20
of any one and any other.=20

It is never someone=20
that fits the moment=20
or that matches the time=20
until the time is spent.=20

With a wave and over=20
before it ever began
lost in a universe=20
of sweet nothings.=20

I am just another bore=20
with nothing new=20
to deliver and unwrap=20
for your excitement.=20

They counted me out=20
a long time ago=20
so I never made it=20
to that gambling table.=20

Never much of a bet=20
but I know their game=20
is always fixed=20
and they never play fair.=20

They say I saw you=20
somewhere I once went
on the far side=20
of a distant Moon.=20

I stopped believing=20
a long time ago
and can't make believe=20
about anyone anymore.=20

My imagination is lonely
but that is how it goes
as to not having anyone=20
that is good and what for.=20

Collected memories=20
of broken circles=20
that catch and pull=20
as they spin round.=20

The sharp hook=20
you left me on
but I still think of you=20
as innocent.=20

They never tell you=20
what they really do=20
to someone like me=20
loving someone like you.=20

------------------------------

011120D
-----------=20

That isn't really an offer
being not what I need
and not what I want=20
as to forcing me=20
to walk a flat Earth
to the darkened edge
of the dirty world.

I needed something=20
but no one would agree=20
and no point arguing=20
with an ugly crowd=20
that executes=20
every instance
of attempted appeal.=20

Always a bad scene=20
no matter who it is=20
that they write in=20
to the same dirty plot=20
as nothing more=20
than a quench of desires =20
at this or any stage.=20

The Inquisition continues=20
in basements=20
and in attics
reinventing traditional=20
ways of customary pain
hopeful of a discovery=20
as to something new.=20

I wanted something=20
better than you gave me
concerning the details=20
of what it really means=20
to come that near=20
to almost being=20
not alone.=20

We all need reminders=20
so that we can understand
the true nature of loneliness=20
before being torn down=20
and broken apart=20
into various cancels=20
and sundry erasures.=20

Your eyes a looking glass
reflecting my suffering=20
failing to understand=20
the meaning of preservation
as what is left behind=20
in the hopes of a love=20
that life never offers.=20

Something survives=20
but I am not certain what=20
emerging from the damages=20
accruing year by year
into emotional statements=20
in bankrupt accounts
where hopes were invested.=20

In summary argument=20
our love might have been=20
something better
than anything I got=20
but they never allow=20
all that much to anyone
that is lonely enough.=20

The only places I know=20
are the same empty places
where I cannot find you
and part of me cutting loose=20
from the habitual crowd=20
that always serves
to make me lonelier.=20

------------------------=20

021120A
------------=20

What I thought gets better
only gets worse=20
leaving me unable to decide.

Is it the misery=20
that comes with mortality=20
or the grim task.

Comes to throwing dirt
onto lifelong hopes  =20
that are long written off.
=20
Categories of dead loss
including teen angst=20
about always wanting.=20

No one specific=20
left in mind=20
but always someone.

Generic lists=20
of various ingredients=20
that become a pleasure.=20

Still more wanting now
and never satisfied=20
within tightening dead lines.

At a loss of words=20
I never had any courage=20
to actually say. =20

My crude scribblings=20
of what I once imagined=20
was really language.=20

All of it long destroyed=20
in one or another=20
self flagellation.=20

Most of it being wrong
as to its failing to signify=20
that much desire.=20

I was always too polite
but even that gets
one into more trouble.=20

It can remind me
how beautiful you were
before I lost you.=20

It taught me how=20
to lose people=20
and now I do it all the time.=20

Your paradigmatic act=20
and then everyone similarly=20
gone to a rough brutality.=20

Why is it that they choose
what always hurts=20
anything beautiful.=20

Forever is a long time=20
and it is always=20
another extinction event.=20

I am long extinct=20
in having failed to mitigate
any of my losses.=20

That always translates=20
in various ways
to many other subjects.=20

----------------------------=20

I sometimes wish that I could in fact forget that youthful optimism that le=
d into so very much pain, in an earlier phase of my life. Nevertheless the =
lessons learned, that come from that, remain with one's self. Sometimes so =
much more poignant, and even painful, than they ever were, in the realizati=
on how absolute those lessons sometimes were. How there really were no real=
 exceptions. At least not for one's self, and it only emphasizes how one's =
self failed to take the lessons seriously enough, as a demand to change one=
's own entire viewpoint to a viewpoint that one could not in fact change it=
 to, and could not in fact ever hope to adopt as being anything of one's ow=
n. Nevertheless, there is the lesson, and one's own realization that one co=
uld never really fit in to the prevailing patterns that would determine the=
 entire course of what then becomes merely a history.