Poems: 250621 - June 25th, 2021

130621A
-----------=20

We can do whatever=20
we want to=20
knowing it is not=20
what they want us to do.=20

All that wanting to be
something else in the end
comes to nothing much
but no point going back.=20

It is that sort of place
that we have come to
in all that trying=20
to wander away.=20

It is a childhood ambition
cross over red rover
getting past the other side=20
to keep on going.=20

They tried to take us=20
down by the knees
knee capped=20
into a crunch of earth.=20

We can call ourselves now
and not have to wait=20
for anyone to call us=20
then get called out for that.=20

Another take down=20
to our knees again
wondering how to please
those lesser gods.=20

Finding a calling=20
was the worst sort of game
and everything finds you=20
but you cannot find it.=20

I feel dismal inside
but I am lying=20
the same lies as you
because those are the rule.=20

We follow the rules=20
while thinking up ways=20
we might break them
and not get caught.=20

That is all we learned=20
about romance=20
and the other silly games
that people play.=20

No one gets any=20
unless they break a rule=20
but they have to know how
and which rules to break.=20

No one gets any=20
by telling the truth=20
the whole truth=20
and nothing but the truth.=20

If daddy didn't say=20
and mommy didn't scold you=20
you would never know=20
the way to strip poker.=20

Find another game=20
that someone lets you play
but it is no fun=20
when you are losing out.=20

You were the conductor=20
of another beer hall putsch=20
in a no name local bar=20
looking for a change of mind.=20

Change your mind=20
the way a good person changes
underwear and styles=20
following the latest trends.

Out with the old=20
and in with the new=20
but some claim it is possible
to find recycled love.=20

You missed a cue=20
that you can no longer find
and it gives you bad dreams
that you cannot mend.=20

We are always on the mend
from lessons learned=20
about who gets and how
and who doesn't.=20

Those strapping lads=20
with blush bottom girls=20
up from behind to the take=20
you came too late for.

It isn't really going=20
but you know it never was=20
as you surfed illusions
trying to catch a new wave.=20

Borrowed some time=20
with no way to pay interest=20
knowing no one who does
or who really wants any.=20

Any of what you got=20
chasing your thin belief
that you could get=20
up on top.=20

It closes over you=20
and it takes you down=20
in a choke off too much=20
and much too serious.=20

We are the forever useless
always being used=20
in someone else's practice=20
at what we did not plan.

You know they don't want=20
anything you brought=20
including yourself =20
at the second hand market.=20

You ask anyway=20
but get no answer
so cross your heart=20
pushed for hope to die.=20

You won't be doing=20
whatever you thought of
with those  reminders
that your approach is wrong.

You came in too low=20
you are flying too high
too fast and too slow=20
until you crashed yourself.=20

It goes like that=20
when it is not really going=20
but you know it never was=20
no matter how hard you tried.=20

------------------------------------=20

130621B
-----------=20

It is what you don't own=20
that always matters most=20
compared to what you have
that you cannot really use.=20

You ask around=20
but no one has any=20
that they want to spare=20
but they would borrow yours.=20

They won't give it back=20
and you can ask the wind=20
a thousand times=20
for a thousand answers.=20

The times might change=20
but it is never for the better=20
and what you really want=20
is what you never knew.=20

You heard it being said=20
you can buy your way in
finding some sort of heaven
that you can never afford.=20

People say things=20
and some of that is true
but they never give you words
that change anything for good.=20

It is a temporary hook=20
tugging at a temporary skin
keeping you thrashing about
on an unreeled line.=20

A new species of moth=20
has eaten holes in the vocabulary
making you freeze=20
as a deer in the headlights.=20

A  head on crash =20
where Bambi meets Society
which is something worse
than Bambi Meets Godzilla.=20

Wearing a hood ornament=20
seems better than being
softly run down
by the hard faced crowd.=20

The grit gives traction=20
on your slippery slopes=20
ending as a fast slide
amusement park ride.=20

You got around=20
or around got you=20
boxed around the ears
for being lonely.=20

Tired of alone=20
and alone at being tired
wishing someone cared
about those little treasures.=20

And bits of stories=20
that can be told=20
all sitting pretty=20
as what little was saved.=20

Saving is a big thing=20
even when giving up=20
on being saved by anyone
there is something left to save.=20

You can never save enough
and never save yourself
but you must keep looking
for ways to save. =20

The weak minded moments
become more frequent=20
and you have given up=20
wagering yourself.=20

You went dead broke=20
several turns ago=20
while everyone you knew
did winning streaks.=20

Life softens you up=20
no matter how you turn it=20
tenderizing by the beat=20
that presses you down.=20

Even a gender outlaw=20
sometimes wants for more
than being holed up flat
broke in a hideout.=20

You can no longer repair=20
the rips in your fabric=20
feeling teen passions
trapped in a park bench body.=20

Starting out was delayed
too many times to count=20
and the race was scrubbed=20
before it was run.=20

Building a home=20
for someone else to live in=20
after the lay off notice
sorry it didn't work out.=20

Just a pain in the neck=20
not carrying your weight
turned flat on your back=20
turtle in a ditch.=20

There was no intent
to let you into the gene pool
from where you dangled=20
spotted by life guards.=20

Hanging out in the closet
clinging to coat hangers=20
could have been the next
in line for strangulation. =20

If you put your information
into some sort of jacket
you can hide most of it
to evade embodied truth.=20

Speculations such as that=20
shape your reviews of life=20
making you see clearly=20
you were blind the whole time.=20

You did not have any pets
so you were that penis=20
someone took for a walk
end of a string along.=20

That wasn't really the dance
where you could lead=20
but it was make believe=20
everything is alright.=20

Feeling you should have=20
bought into a different face
along with miscellaneous bits=20
while there was a market.=20

Too late for that now=20
considering damage control=20
still filing endless reports=20
about what is broken or lost.=20

What you came with=20
was never any good
but no one taught you=20
how to shop for better.=20

Back in those days=20
you were taught make do=20
with the standard issue=20
from your factory.=20

It was all printed out=20
as though on a name plate=20
and if you took the label off
you were null and void.=20

It was unthinkable=20
you could get approval=20
to get anything engineered
to a different configuration.=20

The details all there=20
never seemed right
but nothing to do about it
and no point complaining.=20

You wore your body=20
same as ill fitting clothes=20
that kept declaring=20
who and what you are.=20

Sometimes wanting
to take it all off=20
to exchange it
for that mythical fit.=20

It was that clumsy thing=20
you learned to trip over=20
that never really did
what you told it to.=20

Sometimes it was that =E2=80=9Cgirl=E2=80=9D=20
boys wanted to torture
because =E2=80=9Cshe=E2=80=9D didn't like them
and wouldn't play their game.=20

Secretly trying on=20
your mother's clothes=20
but the mirror sneered=20
that you were too ugly.=20

Chasing after girls=20
who giggled at too girly
feeling heart broke=20
at went wrong love.=20

That is how you get=20
worse trouble=20
than someone gets=20
when they bang someone up.=20

Expensive dinner dates
were never really honest=20
but you made believe
you knew what you were doing.=20

You could mortgage that=20
then bury the whole idea
in any available money pit=20
that you could buy into.=20

You became less interesting=20
than a jumping jack=20
and those friends plotting=20
your immanent replacement.=20

It all goes in a box=20
then the box is closed up=20
and that is the end of it
as to any real meaning.=20

You were working too hard
fixing things=20
to ever fix yourself =20
so you ended at broken.=20

You get taken out back=20
exchanged for something
knowing the lease expired=20
without a buy out clause.=20

Eventually you move on
realizing you were too girly=20
for that salt of the earth type=20
that you unmarried.=20

You saved a life=20
at least three times=20
including the last time=20
when you left.=20

Never forwarded=20
your most precious things
and the stories still say=20
they were tortured to death.=20

There are no indications given
as to where they are buried
but the garden you built=20
has since been paved.=20

That becomes a pattern
perhaps a sort of habit=20
that others adopt=20
in place of identities.=20

--------------------------

130621B
-----------=20

We blame the sun=20
for shrivelling up=20
all those other possibilities
wasted away=20
best of seasons passed.=20

When I was a child=20
the sun licked at my skin
with its hot tongue=20
and I had no idea=20
that it was consuming me.=20

It seemed different=20
long slide of forever=20
into lingering now=20
pushed in too close=20
to some sort of forever.=20

That is a sum total=20
of all the discontent=20
that was ever imagined=20
in the too late=20
for any such fantasies.=20

We knew the tease=20
of the here and now=20
the ever after=20
the when and how=20
beaming down on us.=20

Wandering through
the parched brittle =20
turning hard baked=20
toss and turn=20
along the channel drift=20
of test pattern dreams.=20

The mad genius=20
lurking out of sight=20
behind that projector=20
mixing up yours=20
with mine.=20

The rain that falls
from our eyes=20
is for ourselves=20
as to all the futures
that could not be.=20

---------------------

There is a bit of influence from Brecht in there somewhere. The deadpan rec=
itation of what comes reasonably near to the truth. That then neglecting al=
most entirely any typical attempts to impress anyone, or to become in any w=
ay popular. Knowing that the latter require commonly accepted patterns of d=
eceptions, if not outright lies.  Perhaps one reaches a point in life, at a=
 certain age, where it does not seem to matter anymore. It is not as if one=
 is hopeful, and anticipatory, in some way or other. That perished long ago=
, and is no more than would be a dead roach dropped into a crumpled beer ca=
n. It becomes that void of any further depth.  The life that one wanted to =
live is realized as no longer any sort of real possibility, and there are n=
o remaining expectations as to anyone ever really rallying around your pers=
onal banner.  In some ways that in itself becomes entirely and totally surr=
eal. =20