There's Gunna Be A Rumble - The Prank

The "There's gunna be a Rumble" Battle Royal.
(Part of the ongoing "Hollywood Map to the Stars" trilogy.)
2/15/22

OK. I am not a member of 'Fight Club'. One exists. It has for many, many, y=
ears. Since at least 570 ad.

It was founded by the person known as King Arthur today. You may 'Huzzah'.

This starts as a prank. A rather good one. I came up with it.

That prank involved Buddy Hackett, most of the Tonight Show, Peter O'Toole,=
 Steven Wright, Faye Dunaway, and Don Rickles. Also, last and least, Rodney=
 Dangerfield. It was designed by the author of the work you are reading. Al=
though some of the tech was in existence, such as satellite dishes.

I telepathically communicated the elements of this prank to Johnny Carson, =
one night on the show when he was hosting Rodney Dangerfield in 1981.

Buddy Hackett had been itching for years to guest host 'The Tonight Show'. =
In 1980 he even wanted to armwrestle Johnny Carson for a guest host spot.

Johnny one night called Buddy and said, "Would you like to guest host tomor=
row?" Buddy flew all the way from Atlantic City for the chance. At 4 pm he =
arrived at The Burbank Studios, the home of 'The Tonight Show'. Ed McMahon =
with a golf hat and a small bag of clubs greeted him, encouraged him, and s=
aid "You'll do a great job, check the stage desk drawer on the left for som=
e hooch."

Buddy went upstairs, had a shot of Jack Daniels, and toasted "To Frank!"

Dah dah dahh dahhhh dahh=E2=80=A6
So Buddy steps out of the curtains and flips the audience 'the bird'. Thing=
s devolve from there. Dangerfield is out in the audience, and he hollers "W=
here the fuck's Johnny?!" Buddy yells, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Rodney le=
aves.

Buddy is a crowd-pleaser though. So he hollers "Fuck the monologue, I wanna=
 get Faye Dunaway out here, She's NUTS!" The crowd roars. The phone rings, =
Buddy yells "That's Peter O'Toole on the phone. Fucker is sick=E2=80=A6 SIC=
K DRUNK!" He strides over into Hollywood history.

"Hey Pete. Yah went to the fucking Clown Room. Serves yah right." and he ha=
ngs up.

Let's get that weirdo out here.

Steven Wright does a priceless 10 minute stand-up routine. Some of his grea=
test: his psychotherapist, his existential concerns, his relationship with =
God, and of course this one=E2=80=A6 "A beautiful woman moved in next door.=
 So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I w=
ill."

Steve's sittin' there. Buddy sez, "I don't even wanna talk to you" and yell=
s=E2=80=A6 "Bring fucking Rickles out!"
'The Matador' starts playing. Don parades out in his inimitable style. Unli=
ke usual at this point in his career, he's elected to do some standup and s=
tarts insulting the crowd like at his Vegas gig. He calls one a jagoff, he =
calls another a butthead, he slings and burns about 15 people based on them=
, their wives, or any family members they might have. Then he turns to Hack=
ett, and says to Doc Severinsen "Where the fuck's Johnny and who let the Ga=
rgoyle in?" Buddy jumps outta his chair and he and Don circle each other li=
ke pitbulls getting ready to throw. Then all bonhomie, he indicates the gue=
st chair, puts his arm around Don's shoulder, and says "I love yah Don, wel=
come to the show."

Don sits down, they start to talk about some old friends, Don tells a story=
 about being locked out of his house in his underwear and getting the cops =
called on him by the new neighbors. Buddy sez, "You want some hooch?" pulls=
 a fifth of Jameson Irish Whiskey out, Lifts it, and says "Fuck you, Johnny=
!" downs about 1/3 of it. hands it to Don, who follows suit, and Don passes=
 it to Steven who says "Really?" Buddy yells, "Faye Dunaway's NUTS! You'll =
want it." Steven's no fool, he douses the rest of the bottle.

Break time. Coffee is served and they first see HER. A figure swaddled in b=
lack diaphanous fabric. She looked like a Nazg=C3=BBl, a ghost, dark, a fac=
e but not visible, like drifting mystic robes. REALLY scary. She's in the w=
ings. She's Faye Dunaway's +1.

Her name is Jacqueline Malouf. She was and often is a friend of John Wayne'=
s. Nobody knew that until after the Northridge Quake-signaled Battle Royal.

So the commercial ends. Faye Dunaway walks out, kind of hounded looking, li=
ke someone's behind her, like Lorre at the end of 'M'. The shrouded figure =
can ALMOST be seen right behind the curtain as she steps out.

She stands dead center on stage, and says "YOU ALL ARE DOOMED!"

Then she walks over to the chair and sits down. Don drinks his coffee while=
 rattling the saucer.

She sits, looks off to her right and waves furtively.

Buddy is chewing on a pencil like a bone. Steven is perched on the edge of =
his chair.

She sits between Steven and Don even though she could take the chair by the=
 desk.

Buddy recovers. "Faye, How are you?" said warmly.

Faye looks at Buddy and says. "You're an asshole, where the fuck's Johnny?"

Buddy yells, "Get the fuck outta here!"

She exits, but not before the camera catches a glimpse of HER!

Buddy really didn't wanna screw around with a sketch, knowing he'd be drunk=
. He recovers quickly, says, "The question of the night seems to be Where T=
he Fuck's Johnny." I've prepared a series of diagrams to indicate. And he w=
alks over to a modified Art Fern (Johnny's crooked huckster) stand with an =
easel with big placards of which the exposed one says "Where the Fuck's Joh=
nny!"

Buddy gets behind the counter. Leans his hands on the counter. Cleans off t=
he prints with his tie. Then, pulls down the card to reveal a picture of Jo=
hnny with several dark haired hairy short muscular Serbian dudes massaging =
him. The caption which Buddy reads, says "Cheating on the wife."

Then, he pulls down the next card. Same picture. "Still cheating on the wif=
e."

Next card. A picture of Ed McMahon in boxers with a case of Budweiser half =
dusted on a crapass endtable, half-crocked in his chair. "Getting Pizza." A=
s with all photos the faces are obviously cropped in.

Then Buddy blows kisses at the crowd, says "Have a great night everyone! I =
just did. Get me the flock outta here!"

An SR-71 pilot is waiting for him at Burbank Airport.

On his way down the stairs to his Tonight Show limo, he took a puff of cann=
abis, he had suffered migraines in the past and had a savvy lawyer. It was =
legal for him to smoke then as long as it was not imported. About then the =
next flight down the stairs an usher said, "Buddy, Johnny is on the phone f=
or you." That usher was Sean Connery in disguise.

"Buddy! I heard yah did a great job, catch the ferry (what the Tonight Show=
 staff called the SR-71) back to Atlantic City and we'll discuss your compl=
imentary video of tonight's show tomorrow. Can I call you at Los Amigos dur=
ing happy hour?" Los Amigos was Buddy's favorite Mexican food place and wat=
ering hole. He was a regular.

"Johnny, sounds terrific, I'll be there about 5:30. 8:30 your time."

So Buddy went back to Caesar's, did his 11:20 set, and caught the last bit =
of his show on his suite's television set.

Next day he sleeps late, at 10a he runs some errands, at noon he has brunch=
, at 3 he lays back in his easy chair and takes a disco nap that he calls 2=
0 winks. Then he grooms himself a bit, and catches a cab to Los Amigos.

"Did you guys see me host The Tonight Show last night?" "Whaddayah mean?" s=
aid the bartender, "It was Johnny with Bob Hope, seven trucker ladies, and =
some comedian. Hold on, lemme answer the phone." He talks on the phone "It'=
s for you."

"Buddy, it's Johnny! Sorry we tricked you. Armwrestling my ass!"
"Johnny, you're a dick!"
Unbeknownst to Buddy, Johnny was workin' the bar in disguise. It was Ed McM=
ahon on the phone perfectly imitating Johnny's voice.
Just then, the real Johnny, who had been fiddling with the satellite settin=
gs after a game said, "Buddy! You're on TV." It was at the point of the tap=
ed show where he and Rickles were talking.

Buddy's jaw kinda sagged, then he barked into the phone, "You better fuckin=
' 'splain this asshole!"

Ed/Johnny said, "That's the feed of the tape on an old weather station out =
of Chicago. We can show that anywhere with a satellite dish that you can ch=
ange the settings on. Any time you want unless you pick up the tape. Do yah=
 forgive me? You'll throw great parties."

Buddy thought for a minute or two. He squinted a bit as he did.
"OK. But you gotta come to one of my parties."

Ed/Johnny: "Said, can we consider this a handshake."
Buddy: "Choo got it!"
---

The Prank element of 'The "There's Gunna Be A Rumble!" Battle Royal' is com=
plete. Keep your eyes on alt.comedy.vaudeville the next couple weeks.