Tale end of the second volume of "The Star Giants" nonology.

Tales of Accounting #1

OK. This is the kinda story that I've heard regarding the Magic Castle's ac=
counting department. With members like Harry Anderson, Rodney Dangerfield a=
nd Walter Matthau. There's a tendency towards complex and entertaining tax =
returns for members, side projects, and guild-like elements of the Academy =
of the Magical Arts which gives them broad leeway with the IRS. So.... the =
first story... takes place in the 1980s. Dangerfield sees a statement to th=
e effect of put any penalties here. So he tapes a stick of gum to it. The I=
RS calls him in and they just stare at him for 5 minutes... and then tell h=
im he can go. This kind of relationship was a little more rocky in earlier =
years. 1972. Dangerfield is a rookie in the Accounting Department. The Chie=
f is Rube Goldberg who had died 2 years before. At least as Rube Goldberg h=
e did. He had another identity thanks to his WWII work teaching impromptu m=
achines. I'm not at liberty to divulge that identity. However, Rodney gets =
a call. March 12. Monday morning. The Amazing Randi was working on the year=
's returns offshore on the The Rabbit, the yacht that generally resides off=
shore for U.S. illegal activities (note, they remain offshore) generally li=
ke pyrotechnics and certain Tesla experiments. The Amazing Randi has eaten =
a rather important part of the 1971 tax return.  It was written on a sheet =
of blotter paper, that depicted furry woodland creatures dancing about a pe=
ntagram. It was supposed to be photocopied and sent to the IRS on Monday. B=
ut..... Randi ate the bunny. Which had a good chunk of Goldberg's precision=
 miniscule script and hand-drawn tax form. He didn't eat it all at once. It=
 was over a 3 day weekend. Where he entertained himself on The Rabbit luxur=
iating in the relatively spacious and well-furbished atmosphere compared to=
 his monastic-reminiscent cell/apartment at The Magic Castle. Swimming, pai=
nting, catch-and-release fishing, honing escapology, playing Art Tatum tran=
scriptions, and doing tantric yoga.

Now.... to say that this was quite a pleasant endeavor while tripping balls=
 on some Owsley-manufactured blotter was an understatement. But... like mos=
t experiences of that sort.... there was a crash. Rube came in and started =
yellin' at Randi in colors. Not just pleasant pastels either, but bright da=
yglo colors and paisley patterns that were very black and spikey with umber=
s and ochres. Randi ate at least half of the 1099 subcontractors section. A=
 4"x5" section filled with 4 point print, of people contracted for props, a=
ssistants, and assorted magical ephemera.

This could have been a disaster. It nearly was. But Rodney got on the horn =
with Daniel Posner in Washington. Described the situation and asked if they=
 could get an extension. Daniel said "Absolutely not! Last year he shredded=
 the returns and used them to line rabbit cages. That's all the leeway you =
got. Especially after Jonathan Winters and his charades returns in 1967." "=
We fired him!" said Rodney. "OK, OK, Fire Randi and you've got a deal" "Nop=
e! I can't do that. We're going to need him to reconstruct the return. If y=
ou can get one of your guys here, We'll show you." Posner was audibly irrit=
ated "Look. You already showed me chiromancy audit techniques. It better be=
 better than that." "It will be" said Rodney with his fingers audibly cross=
ed behind his back.

So... the next day. Posner's arrived at Burbank Airport. The remainder of t=
he blotter sheet has been photocopied and there were probably some very ent=
ertained marine mammals. In one of the subterranean chambers of the Magic C=
astle Rodney is putting Randi in a hypnotic trance. Posner looks queasy. Ru=
be just looks ticked. And Joey Heatherton has a steno pad ready to rock. To=
 make a long story short, the WHOLE episode had to be transcribed. Randi's =
impression of what was on each piece of blotter he ate, annnd the interveni=
ng time period summarized in Randi's long-winded fashion. "And then I tried=
 to capture the fluffy clouds using my smallest horsehair, one stroke, two =
strokes three strokes, four strokes, five strokes, oh... the beauty of the =
Pacific Ocean. I sauntered over to the table and had a piece that had the l=
etters Joh above Fel. Things were getting pretty shiny as the sun dropped a=
nd my dolphin buddies were dancing out among the waves, I considered adding=
 them to the painting, but I'd already masked out the areas that I wanted t=
o touch upon ocean conservation and encroachment of habitat via oils and ca=
nvas. Can I get some lemonade?" The next three days were a miasma of dull r=
everie and memory and hypnotic trance and transcription. But, in the end, t=
he return was completed, Posner realized he MIGHT need a return recalled so=
meday and Randi was promoted to Cabana Boy. This has been another tale from=
 The Magic Castle... I like to call this one. Bunny bunny bunny, IRS wants =
their money.