LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #34: "Take My Imperilution"

HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS!
Issue #34: "Take My Imperilution"
A tale of sexy dueling, by Jeanne Morningstar

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"Okay then," said Mr. Homage. "This battle is way too confusing. 
DNSDaemon, hack into the network and make sure those pesky LNHers don't 
get in our way."

"Yes, my lord," said DNSDaemon, secretly relieved to get away from the 
loud place with all the people. They dematerialized their body and 
stepped into the network.

In the LNH's lab, mere moments after Cliche Dude had delivered his 
direful pronouncement of death, an alarm started buzzing. "Our network 
is under attack!" said Sister State-the-Obvious.

Doctor Stomper furiously closed a cascade of demonic popup ads, windows 
which burned with the fires of hell with a gif of "Make Money Fast!" in 
burning letters. "Well that sure brings back memories," said Mashup Laq.

"Well this is a problem," said Doctor Stomper. "We can't deal with a 
computer virus and a virus virus at the same time."

"Oh, I think I can handle DNSDaemon," said Mashup Laq. They'd been 
thinking about that rematch ever since the last time they'd met [LNH v3 
#3], all those... weeks ago. It was actually less than a month but every 
day felt like ages now so who even know. The problem was that last time 
they'd fought, Mashup Laq had access to the powers of the entire LNH. 
Dr. Stomper hadn't made any progress on the vague idea he had of a 
biodata dial which would allow Mashup Laq to store peoples' powers, 
since again, that was all less than a month ago, and he had had other 
things to take care of. He only could use the power of the people around 
him right now---or...

"Okay," said Mashup Laq, "first thing, I need you to teleport me to the 
lobby."

"Really?" said Doctor Stomper, but he recognized that Mashup Laq was 
having A Plan so he went ahead with it. Mashup Laq bodyslid into the 
lobby, where the net.villains had realized it was perfectly safe to 
start fighting again and had done so. He brushed past Romantic Innuendo 
(suppressing a shudder after the last time they'd met) and Gracemora. 
"Get me into the Peril Room!" he said.

In the Peril Room, Mashup Laq apparated. It reshaped itself into a 
dueling arena which was suspended in the sky. Mashup Laq themself was 
dressed in a vaguely Napoleonic school uniform and held a rose-colored 
sword.

"It's an Utena reference!" said SSTO, watching on a screen.

"DNSDaemon! I challenge you to a duel!" said Mashup Laq. They pulled a 
rose out of their pocket and threw it at the ground, and an extremely 
confused DNSDaemon refused. "No one can escape the challenge of Romantic 
Duelist!"

An extremely confused DNSDaemon appear in a burst of rose colored smoke. 
They were still wearing their suit from the Valentine's Ball, which the 
artists liked drawing enough that this was just their regular costume 
now. They blushed, and then started hacking at Mashup Laq with their 
techno-claymore, but Mashup Laq moved too quickly and struck out at them 
with their rapier like a stinging insect. Caught up in the passion of 
the duel, they were oblivious to the world around them, not noticing the 
glitched-out terrain until Mashup Laq almost tripped over it.

"Yikes!" said Mashup Laq. They noticed that the program was getting 
strange and laggy, and there had to be another program running at the 
same time. They remembered what it was just when it ended.

Imperilus appeared in the center of the arena, standing over the bodies 
of 50 LNHers. "Ha! You call that a challenge?" he said. "Got anything 
better? I'm just getting started?" He looked at Mashup Laq and 
DNSDaemon, entangled in the duel. "Just you two? Pathetic."

"Eep," said DNSDaemon.