funny stuff

"What is punk?" he asked. "Punk isn't a type of music or type of 
clothes. It's a way of life." He didn't understand, so I kicked over a 
trash can and said, "That's punk." He kicked over a trash can and said, 
"That's punk?" I said, "No, that's trendy."

There is, in fact, a difference between crazy and insane. A crazy person 
will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it 
in a clown suit.

'Be yourself' is the worst advice you could give some people.

If you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you 
see through everything and actually see nothing?

What do vegetarians feed their dogs?

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, achy, 
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.

What do you say when someone says you're in denial but you're really not?

If we are what we eat then I'm easy, fast and cheap.

When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he think he was doing?

I'm not paranoid! Which one of my enemies told you that?

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

My philosophy: no pain, no pain.

At all the weddings, my aunts used to come up to me and tug on my cheeks 
saying "You're next!" They stopped after I started doing the same thing 
to them at funerals.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy 
enough people to make it worth the effort.

People think I'm crazy, but actually I'm just bored.

Don't walk as if u own the world. Walk as if u don't care who does!

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I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat 
Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is 
supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell 
can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this 
to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly 
suffocating student as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell 
you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit 
up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose 
rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can 
punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, 
I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, you asshole.

Just tell Nemo you couldn't find him because you were too busy getting 
stoned... He'll understand.