Re: Don't Be Nice, Be Real

Hi Wayne, Brad, and all,

I wish the title of this thread was focused on being nicely real. 
(Not really nice).  I don't think 'being nice' and 'being real' are
necessarily exclusive.  That said, what I call 'nice nice' situations
can be really nasty.

Wayne Strider wrote:

> Empathy is a feeling not a behavior.  As a result of feeling empathy
any number of behaviors might follow.

I agree with you, Wayne, that empathy isn't so much a behavior as it
is a conscious connecting of myself with another.  And, for me,
empathy isn't first a feeling -- I agree that it is an ability to
identify with another's position.  As a Myers Briggs 'T', I get to my
feeling through my thinking. I've learned to attach to the emotional
identification but only through the intellectual identification first.  

> What does seem to work (for me) is to first be in touch with me--my
feelings (including empathy), thoughts, wants, needs, hopes, my
internal resources.

I echo this!  Only for me and my 'T'ness, to get in touch with my own
empathy, I started by reflecting on my thoughts / meaning.  When I am
able to get explicit about these thoughts (for example, I think or
say, "This reminds me of a time that X happened to me and this is what
I thought/felt about that"), it is easier for me to connect.  
> 
> Of course I am not always able to be that congruent.  I keep trying.

Empathy for myself first is my own hardest first step. The hardest
part for me is getting in touch with my immediate 'meaning maker' and
stopping to question that meaning -- or making the meaning explicit. 
It was hard at first to catch myself in the act.  Journaling helped. 
I'm better than I used to be.  But in highly charged situations, I
sometimes fail to live up to my aspirations for myself.  As I have
become more empathetic towards myself -- and forgive myself for being
human, I feel like I have become more empathetic towards others.  It
requires really conscious effort and sometimes, when I'm at my 'worst'
(most judgemental, and most sarcastic), I'd rather not be conscious at
all!  Much less empathetic!

Amy


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