Re: Re: Don't Be Nice, Be Real

Amy,
Glad you bring up type.  Virginia Satir used to say, "Thoughts are the
parents of our feelings" or something like that. I'm sure my feeling of
empathy is a result of my thoughts and not the other way around. I'm an INFP
Myers-Briggs type.  I rush right passed the thoughts and am most aware of
the feelings. I can confuse some people (like my T wife, Eileen) because she
sometimes doesn't know how I got to a certain feeling. And I am at a loss to
reconstruct the thoughts that led to it.  I don't know if all F's do it that
way, but that's how I do it.
Wayne
----- Original Message -----
From: "Amy Schwab" <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]>
Sent: Thursday, June 12, 2003 11:40 AM
Subject: [resistance] Re: Don't Be Nice, Be Real


> Hi Wayne, Brad, and all,
>
> I wish the title of this thread was focused on being nicely real.
> (Not really nice).  I don't think 'being nice' and 'being real' are
> necessarily exclusive.  That said, what I call 'nice nice' situations
> can be really nasty.
>
> Wayne Strider wrote:
>
> > Empathy is a feeling not a behavior.  As a result of feeling empathy
> any number of behaviors might follow.
>
> I agree with you, Wayne, that empathy isn't so much a behavior as it
> is a conscious connecting of myself with another.  And, for me,
> empathy isn't first a feeling -- I agree that it is an ability to
> identify with another's position.  As a Myers Briggs 'T', I get to my
> feeling through my thinking. I've learned to attach to the emotional
> identification but only through the intellectual identification first.
>
> > What does seem to work (for me) is to first be in touch with me--my
> feelings (including empathy), thoughts, wants, needs, hopes, my
> internal resources.
>
> I echo this!  Only for me and my 'T'ness, to get in touch with my own
> empathy, I started by reflecting on my thoughts / meaning.  When I am
> able to get explicit about these thoughts (for example, I think or
> say, "This reminds me of a time that X happened to me and this is what
> I thought/felt about that"), it is easier for me to connect.
> >
> > Of course I am not always able to be that congruent.  I keep trying.
>
> Empathy for myself first is my own hardest first step. The hardest
> part for me is getting in touch with my immediate 'meaning maker' and
> stopping to question that meaning -- or making the meaning explicit.
> It was hard at first to catch myself in the act.  Journaling helped.
> I'm better than I used to be.  But in highly charged situations, I
> sometimes fail to live up to my aspirations for myself.  As I have
> become more empathetic towards myself -- and forgive myself for being
> human, I feel like I have become more empathetic towards others.  It
> requires really conscious effort and sometimes, when I'm at my 'worst'
> (most judgemental, and most sarcastic), I'd rather not be conscious at
> all!  Much less empathetic!
>
> Amy
>
>
>
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>
>



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