Re: inner resistance

Hi Chris,
Thanks for your contribution. Your suggestion of asking for feeling and limit it sounds very helpfull. I'll try it out. Instead of asking for feelings I mostly ask "What does this mean to you". But asking for feelings could be even more "straight to the heart". 

"Sharing reality" as I like to call your "reflecting observations" also really works. I always try to stay away from giving my opinion. First of all it creates resistance (instead of diminshing it) and what would my opinion add? Not much. 
What I could and will do in the future is sharing my observations (in the I version) in more cases.
Thanks,
Alex

  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Chris Morris 
  To: [email protected] 
  Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2003 2:51 PM
  Subject: Re: [resistance] inner resistance


  > My question is: What kind of questions can I ask to break through this kind of resistence. It's easy to play mental (ego) games, but I am looking for a way to get to his hart straight away. 

  I've found the path to the heart is rarely straight :-)

  Dale's post is very good. Trust is essential. Unfortunately, you can't make someone trust you (or maybe fortunately :-), but anything you can do to show love to the person is all you can do on your side of the equation.

  If you do get a glimmer of trust and opportunity, one technique I like is to ask about what the person is feeling, and limit their responses to a list of core emotions (there's too many adjectives describing the various levels and combinations). The list I like is: glad, sad, fear, lonely, anger, hurt, guilt, shame. I believe our emotions are reflections of our beliefs (our heart), and while knowing fully what I believe is sometimes difficult, the emotions can provide clues back to the beliefs.

  In addition, be reflective -- express your observations (not your opinions as to their motives of your observations, just your observations). If you ask, "What are you resisting?" and they reply, "Nothing!", try stating, "You appear angry (or whatever), is that true?" Maybe they'll clam up at that point -- or maybe they'll see an opportunity to explain a regretted outburst, which might lead to a bit more openness. By keeping your conversation very clear (expressing what you observe, and if you share a belief of yours making it clear it's what you think, not stating it as fact**), you are communicating respect, which may lead to further trust of you on their part.

  ** In my experience, the difference between a statement like "You are angry" and "You appear angry to me" can be enormous. The first seems to preclude any difference of opinion by the other party, the second makes it clear that I'm simply stating my position.

  --
  Chris
  http://clabs.org/blogki
  http://cministries.org/blogki

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