The Straight Dope 12/30/2005

THE STRAIGHT DOPE 12/30/2005

Dear Cecil:

OK, before asking my question, I have to admit that I got the idea for
it from an episode of Beavis and Butt-head. Anyways, can I hop in a box,
have a friend take me to the post office, and send myself to far-off
destinations? If I can, would it be cheaper than airfare? I'm sure
Beavis and Butt-head aren't the first to think of this; has anyone else
tried it? --Arvind Karwan, Fort Collins, Colorado

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Cecil replies:

I too have an admission to make: I got a little help on this answer from
the Teeming Millions via the Straight Dope Message Board. But come on,
it's been a long year. You guys can carry me for once.

For reasons to be shortly elucidated, not the least of which is that
travel by post makes the most dimensionally challenged coach seat look
like Cleopatra's barge, mailing yourself is not something that I can in
good conscience advise. But yes, it's been done, occasionally in a noble
cause, although more commonly in stupid ones. Herewith the facts, noble
cause first:

Escape from slavery. From the 1851 memoir that bears his name we learn
of one Henry "Box" Brown, a slave residing in Richmond, Virginia, in the
1840s. Desperate for freedom, in March 1849 Brown poured acid on his
finger in order to be excused from work; then, anticipating Beavis and
Butt-head by nearly 150 years, he arranged for a pair of associates to
nail him inside a three-by-two-and-a-half-by-two-foot wooden box, his
only accommodations a bladder of water and a tool with which to bore
additional air holes. That done, the accomplices delivered the goods to
the railway express office, presumably paid the freight, and wired a
friend in Philadelphia to await delivery of the male (Brown's joke, not
mine). The journey was no walk in the shade. Despite the fact that the
box was marked "this side up with care," it was placed upside down for
hours at a time (freight handlers being no more attentive to
instructions then than now), causing the blood to rush dangerously to
Brown's head. Just as he felt about to lose consciousness, though, a
couple jamokes turned the box over, the better to sit on it. At another
point the box was flung from a wagon, knocking Brown cold and nearly
breaking his neck. After some additional travail the fugitive arrived at
the desired address in Philadelphia and was uncrated. He emerged and
promptly fainted, bruised and battered but, thank God almighty, free at
last.

For more, see:
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/051230.html

STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #1 - 04/26/1991

Dear Cecil:

Rumor has it that the melody of "The Star Spangled Banner" was taken
from an old colonial drinking song. If so, what were the original,
pre-Francis Scott Key words? Can you print them uncut and complete so I
can get a singalong going in the clubs? --Reena Pearl, West Hollywood,
California

Dear Reena:

Coming right up, my sweet, although I think once you get a load of this
puppy you'll agree you'd have better luck organizing a singalong of
"Onward Christian Soldiers."

The original tune was "To Anacreon in Heaven," an English drinking song
written by John Stafford Smith with words by Ralph Tomlinson, Esq. 
According to tradition it was first "sung at the Crown Anchor Tavern in
the Strand, circa 1780." Tomlinson was president of the Anacreontic
Society, a gentlemen's club popular with upscale London boozers.
Anacreon (563-478 B.C.) was a Greek poet known for his songs of wine and
women.

You're thinking: drinking song? I can't sing "The Star-Spangled Banner"
when I'm sober.

For more, see: 
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_011.html

STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #2 - 03/01/1991

Dear Cecil: 

Everywhere I went during the Persian Gulf war I saw yellow ribbons tied
around oak trees, light poles, small animals, etc. These supposedly were
to show concern for our troops in the Middle East. However, as I recall,
in the song (you know, "tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree,"
blah blah blah) the guy in question is returning from jail. Presumably
he went to jail for a reason. Do the troops really appreciate being
compared to a criminal? A friend tells me that the song is based on a
true story, and that the fellow's crime was something along the lines of
stealing bread to feed orphans. True? And why yellow? --Steve Langer,
Chicago

Dear Steve:

After a heroic research effort involving New Jersey talent agents,
Iran-hostage spouses, and the Library of Congress, I think I've finally
pieced together the whole story on yellow ribbons. Here are the
highlights:

Yellow ribbons first emerged as a national symbol in January 1981, when
they sprouted like weeds to welcome home the Americans held hostage in
Iran. The whole thing was started by Penelope (Penne) Laingen, wife of
Bruce Laingen, U.S. charge d'affaires in Teheran. Ms. Laingen says she
was inspired by two things: (1) the song Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the
Ole Oak Tree, written in 1972 by Irwin Levine and Larry Brown and made
famous by Tony Orlando and Dawn, and (2) the prior example of one Gail
Magruder. Ms. Laingen writes:

"Gail Magruder, wife of Jeb Stuart Magruder of Watergate fame, put
yellow ribbons on her front porch to welcome her husband home from jail.
This event was televised on the evening news.

"At this point ... I stepped in to change the legend and song from the
return of a forgiven prodigal to the return of an imprisoned hero.
Interestingly, I had remembered the Gail Magruder ribbons, but I had
only a vague understanding of the Levine-Brown song lyrics, although I
knew it involved a 'prisoner,' which my husband surely was in Iran."

For more, see:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_008.html

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