The Straight Dope 09/22/2006

The Straight Dope -- By Cecil Adams
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THE STRAIGHT DOPE 09/22/2006

Dear Cecil:

On a recent visit to Chicago, I noticed that Lake Michigan, close to
shore, looks more like the waters of the Caribbean (crystal clear, light
aqua color). When I grew up in the city years ago the lake was just a
bucket of sludge. I'm told the change in clarity is due to zebra mussels
flushed out of the bilges of tankers visiting from Asia. These mussels,
I understand, consume the sludge and act like filters, creating the
crystal clear waters we see today. Is this true, and will we soon see
palm trees on Lake Shore Drive? --Chris, New Hope, Pennsylvania

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Cecil replies:

Palm trees, no. There's this thing in Chicago called winter that the
zebra mussels haven't been able to do much about. But you heard right
zebra mussels are filtering Lake Michigan's once-turbid water. The
accompanying color change is due to an increase in Cladophora, a type of
green algae that thrives on the sunlight that now penetrates farther
into the lake's depths. Before you start planning any scenic snorkeling
trips, though, let me tell you the bad news about what's happening to
the lakes.

The zebra mussel is a freshwater bivalve that originated in Russia (it
was reported in the Caspian Sea in 1769) and spread through much of
northern Europe by the 20th century. The mussels were first spotted in
the United States in 1988, allegedly having made their way here in the
ballast water of one or more transoceanic ships. When such water was
mistakenly dumped into Lake St. Clair (between lakes Erie and Huron),
the aquatic life within--including, apparently, zebra mussels--was
released to the environment. Since then the mussels have spread
throughout the Great Lakes, much of the Mississippi River system, and
even to freshwater ponds and rock quarries. 

While zebra mussels arguably have made the lakes prettier, in other
respects . . . 

For more, see:
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/060922.html

STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #1 - 03/26/1993

Dear Cecil::

I recently celebrated my thirtieth birthday, and am in the intial stages
of what I hope will be a serious and long lasting relationship. My
dilemma is this: I've never been told the story of "the birds and the
bees." I've travelled around the world and am not an inexperienced
person, but this missing piece of information may be the reason I
haven't, up till now, been truly successful in love. Please give me the
straight dope on the origin of the phrase "the birds and the bees" and
the details of the act(s) as it (or they) relate to man. -- M. Harris,
Washington, D.C. 

Dear M.::  

Don't feel bad. Nobody explained it to me, either, and I must say
I made quite an impression that first night with the honey and
feathers. But now I'm hip. The significance of the birds and bees
isn't what they do, it's simply that they do it, "it," naturally, being
a tussle in the tumbleweeds, or wherever it is that the lower orders
engage in sex. As such it's the perfect euphemism for a culture
so prudish that even publishers of girlie magazines used to
airbrush out the pubic hair.  

Where exactly "the birds and the bees" originated nobody knows,
but word sleuths William and Mary Morris hint that it may have
been inspired by words like these from the poet Samuel Coleridge:
"All nature seems at work ... 

For more, see: 
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_229a.html

STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC #2 - 05/21/1993

Dear Cecil: 

What exactly is a "merkin"? Ever since the word was thrust into my
consciousness it's been tormenting me. My Oxford English Dictionary
defines it as the "female pudendum," which seems a trifle sedate, given
the listed quote of 1714, "This put a strange Whim in his Head; which
was, to get the hairy circle of her Merkin ... This he dry'd well and
comb'd out, and then return'd to the Cardinal, telling him, he had
brought Saint Peter's Beard."  And it's downhill from there. The OED "b"
definition says a merkin is a "counterfeit hair for women's privy
parts," and another dictionary calls it a "pubic hair wig." Sorry, but
these explanations defy understanding. I mean, I've heard of niche
markets, but this is ridiculous. My own interest in the word isn't just
academic, as I'd like to make use of the fine quote of 1680, "Or wear
some stinking Merkin for a Beard," but I want to make damn sure I know
what the original item was. --Andrew Scheinman, Los Angeles

Dear Andrew:  

Cecil doesn't have the most reputable sources for this kind of
thing. In fact, I blush to admit, I have been fishing for tips once
again on the Internet. I do not want to give the impression I spend all
my time on the Internet, but in the right hands it is a wondrous tool,
and in the wrong hands it is an even better one. Here's what's turned up
so far: 

A merkin is somebody who lives in Merika. (Har!) 

For more, see:

http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_232.html

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