The Straight Dope 03/14/2003

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The Straight Dope -- By Cecil Adams
http://www.straightdope.com

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THE STRAIGHT DOPE 03/14/2003

Dear Cecil:

OK, so I'm trying to lose some weight. My current
plan, eat less and exercise more, is working pretty
well, but I want to take it up a notch. So I'm
wondering: How many calories are in a pint of
blood? How often can you donate without making
yourself ill? This could be a great thing for both
humanity and myself. --ubernina from Wisconsin 

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Cecil replies:

Americans are so pathetic. A while back I heard
from a guy who reasoned that: (1) beer is cold;
(2) when I drink beer, my body warms it up to 98.6
degrees; (3) this burns calories; (4) therefore,
drinking beer helps me stay thin. Then there was
the genius who argued: (1) fat people carry more
weight; (2) carrying more weight means doing more
work; (3) work = exercise; (4) therefore, fat = good.

Your proposal continues this dubious tradition. Presumed
advantages: (1) You get to lie on a couch! (2) You get
to watch TV! (3) You get to eat Oreos and drink juice!
The only disadvantages: (1) You have to tell a complete
stranger whether you've accepted money or drugs for sex;
(2) needles; (3) they drain the blood out of your body.
OK, not all the blood, but that's what it would take for
this stupid plan to work.

For more, see:
http://www.straightdope.com/columns/030314.html

STAFF REPORT

Dear Straight Dope:

I recently received the following e-mail and was
wondering whether this is just another hoax junk
mail or if some person somewhere is stupid enough
to not worry about any spider bite on the their
butt! Please help save the teeming millions. --Roy

ANOTHER REASON WHY I AM SOOOOOOO "MANIAC" ABOUT
THE TOILET WE USE!
LOOK AND CLEAN BEFORE YOU SIT.

WARNING: From the University of North Florida
An article by Dr. Beverly Clark, in the Journal
of the United Medical Association (JUMA)

The mystery behind a recent spate of deaths has been
solved. If you haven't already heard about it in the
news, here is what happened. Three women in north
Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period,
all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and
vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis,
and finally death. There were no outward signs of
trauma. Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood.
These women did not know each other, and seemed to have
nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that
they had all visited the same restaurant (Olive Garden)
within days of their deaths. The health department
descended on the restaurant, shutting it down. The
food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected
and tested, to no avail.

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant
was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms.
She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and
had only gone to the restaurant to pick up her check.
She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had
used the restroom. That is when one toxicologist,
remembering an article he had read, drove out to the
restaurant, went into the restroom, and lifted the
toilet seat. Under the seat, out of normal view, was
a small spider. The spider was captured and brought
back to the lab, where it was determined to be the
Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named
because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's
venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days
to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp
climates, and toilet rims provide just the right
atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up
at a hospital emergency room. Before his death, he told
the doctor, that he had been away on business, had
taken a flight from Indonesia, changing planes in
Singapore, before returning home. He did not visit
Olive Garden, while there. He did, as did all of the
other victims, have what was determined to be a puncture
wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered
that the flight he was on had originated in India. The
Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate
inspection of the toilets of all flights from India,
and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia spider's
nests on 4 different planes! It is now believed that
these spiders can be anywhere in the country.

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the
seat to check for spiders. It can save your life!
And please pass this on to everyone you care about.

SDSTAFF Doug replies:

This is a deliberate permutation of an
openly-confessed hoax. The original version (in
which the poisonous arachnid was called the Blush
Spider, Arachnius gluteus, and was found at a
restaurant in Chicago's "Blair Airport"; a web
search on "Blush Spider" will reveal all) was a
deliberate experiment started by someone who
wanted to see how far an easily-debunked urban
legend could get, and who 'fessed up shortly after
it became evident that it had gone way too far.
The current version is obviously someone's idea of
payback for a bad dining experience at a place
called Olive Garden in north Florida, designed to
scare people into avoiding the restaurant. In a
perfect world Olive Garden could trace the &@*$%
that sent this out and sue their ass, but I
wouldn't hold my breath. 

For more, see: 
http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mspidertoilet.html

STRAIGHT DOPE CLASSIC - 06/02/1976

Dear Cecil: 

A guy in a bar tried to bet me that Illinois
doesn't really lie east of the Mississippi.
This sounded like an obvious trick to me so
I didn't bet him. But my curiosity is aroused,
Cecil. What's the gag? --Robert Pitts, Chicago

Cecil replies:

You are clearly a very prudent young man, Robert.
I predict a bright future for you in investment
counseling.

For more, see:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_167a.html

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