Fic: His Grave 1/1
Krista Niittymäki <[email protected]> Tue, 02 Dec 2003 03:45:08 +0200
| Newsgroups | gmane.culture.tv.buffy-the-vampire-slayer.scandinavia |
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--Boundary_(ID_hitlACAeJ+uWVHaCUNjOIg) Content-type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-transfer-encoding: 7BIT Title: His grave Author: Malicia Nocturna Rating: I'm not sure. PG-13 Disclaimer: Characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Joss Whedon etc. the story is mine. Pairings: B/S sort of Feedback: yes please :] Distribution: Sure, ask first Timing: After/In the end of Chosen Spoilers: If you haven't seen the episode Chosen then don't read this fic. Summary: Buffy's POV, dark thoughts. I sit on a bench in this crappy bus. We have stopped here, right next to the crater. I don't look back. I can't. The hole in the ground is a grave and I have never liked looking into open graves. So many of us died. I didn't, but I've died twice before. It wasn't my time today. Will there ever be my time? I look at Faith, how she is holding hands with principal Wood. Robin. They look so good together. Faith smiles at him and gives him a kiss. They don't mourn the ones that fell. Maybe it's the arrogance that keeps them together. Maybe they are in love. I don't care. Faith has never known true love like I have. I hope Robin makes her happy. Does she deserve happiness? At least she holds on to the man who cares for her. She has the chance of happiness. I had my chance too. I realized it too late. Faith is beautiful. She is like a sculpture or a painting. She is the dark one, the dark side of me. Maybe I should have been darker.. If I had fought harder, been harder, would the Potentials be alive now? Would he be alive now? When Faith fights she dances. I envy her smooth movements and endless desire to win, to be the best. Maybe she should have taken my position years ago. I feel responsible for everything that happened to her. But I can't help her anymore. Somehow I feel sorry for her. I wish I could love her like a sister. But the time for those feelings is long gone. I let my eyes wander to Dawn. She sits quietly, her slim body is covered with bruises. Sometimes I feel like I've betrayed her. I wish I could say something to comfort her but I can't. There is a dark hole inside my soul and it prevents me from speaking. Xander is looking at me, trying to make an eye contact with me. I don't want to look at him, I don't see him as my friend anymore, he is just one of my many failures. I have tried so hard to push my guilt away but it's overwhelming. He lost his eye because of me. And he lost the love of his life because of me. Because of my mistakes and lack of strength. I know he blames me, but he loves me too much to show it. I can't look at him. Feels like they all are expecting me to say something. They are hurt, tired, afraid. They need something to hold on to, comforting words, warmth. I can't give them anything anymore. I buried my inner fire with him. I step out of the bus. I try to avoid looking at it, the grave, but my feet are dragging me towards it. I stand on the edge of the crater and spread my arms. I close my eyes and for a moment I believe I can fly. I think about what it would be like to lean forward and let myself fall. This hole in the ground would become my grave too, I could share it with the one I love. Maybe I could finally rest. I could easily lean forward until my feet wouldn't touch the ground anymore. I could let the crater suck me in, smash me to the ground and take my life. My soul would find his soul and we could spend the eternity together somewhere far away from this world. The sun is burning me, it's too hot. I have lived in the shadows for so long that I don't tolerate the direct sunlight anymore. I am a part of the darkness. All the things that I've loved have been more or less directly connected to the darkness; Slaying, Angel, my friends, Giles and his mysterious past, Spike. I open my eyes and fight back the tears. Spike. This is his grave, this hole in the ground, this shattered memory of my home. This reminder of my biggest battle. I have made many mistakes, but leaving him there was the worst. I'm sure I could have done something to save him. Now I am just the Slayer that failed. I can't see this as a victory when the one that I love is dead. The First Evil is gone and I should be too. I have lived longer than any other Slayer before me, I have already died twice, I have known the death and yet I live. I should be there on the bottom of the crater. I should have helped Spike out and died instead of him. At least he would have known that I love him truly. The others have followed me, they are all standing on the edge of the crater, staring straight at the grave. Some of them are holding hands. Some of them are standing alone. I know that for the rest of my life I will be standing alone. The one who I wanted to stand here with is gone. "What did this?" Giles asks. "Spike did," I reply quietly. Giles looks surprised. He has never believed in Spike, maybe he saw some potential but he didn't trust Spike. "He saved us," Giles says. His voice is full of admiration. It's too late now, he should have admired him earlier, helped him, cared for him. Maybe Spike would have survived with the help of my Watcher. I should have done something to make them trust each other. It all comes down to this; I blame myself. Giles turns to face the others. "Spike saved us," he says quietly. I can see them nodding and murmuring to each other. "Spike is a hero," Willow declares and smiles. How can she smile on a moment like this? I wonder if I will be able to smile ever again. Giles is smiling too. "Yes, Spike is a hero," he says. "And I love him," I say quietly but loud enough. They heard what I said. I can see shock in their faces. Dawn is the only one who doesn't look confused. I clear my throat and look at all of them in the eyes. I can see disbelief and confusion, shock and even sadness. Are they sad because I love a vampire and not a human or because the vampire I love is dead? "I love him," I say with a clear and loud voice, I emphasize every word to make sure that they will never forget what I say. I turn back to the crater, half expecting Spike to jump up from there. But he won't. He won't appear ever again. "I love you," I whisper to the crater, hoping him to hear me, and close my eyes again. I spread my arms wide open, I feel a small breeze on my hair and hope it to be a message from Spike. I lean forward, dangerously, ready to jump and fall. My heart is beating faster than ever before and my soul is yearning for the final peace. But I don't jump because Spike would want me to live. --Boundary_(ID_hitlACAeJ+uWVHaCUNjOIg) Content-Type: text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable <!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.0 Transitional//EN"> <HTML><HEAD> <META http-equiv=3DContent-Type content=3D"text/html; charset=3Diso-8859-1"= > <META content=3D"MSHTML 6.00.2734.1600" name=3DGENERATOR> <STYLE></STYLE> </HEAD> <BODY bgColor=3D#ffffff> <DIV><FONT face=3DArial size=3D2> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Title: His grave<?xml:namespace prefix =3D o ns = =3D=20 "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN= ></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Author: Malicia=20 Nocturna<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Rating: I=92m not sure=85 PG-13=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Disclaimer: Characters from Buffy the Vampire Slay= er=20 belong to Joss Whedon etc=85 the story is=20 mine.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Pairings: B/S sort of<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SP= AN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Feedback: yes please=20 :]<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Distribution: Sure, ask=20 first<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-= GB">Timing:=20 After/In the end of </SPAN><?xml:namespace prefix =3D st1 ns =3D=20 "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place><SPAN lang=3DEN-G= B=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB">Chosen</SPAN></st1:place><SPAN lang=3DEN= -GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></SPAN></FONT></FONT></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB">Spoilers: If you haven=92t seen the epis= ode=20 </SPAN><st1:place><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB">Chosen</SPAN></st1:place><SPAN lang=3DEN= -GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"> then don=92t read this=20 fic.<o:p></o:p></SPAN></FONT></FONT></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Summary: Buffy=92s POV, dark thoughts=85=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I sit=20 on a bench in this crappy bus. We have stopped here, right next to the=20 crater.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><FONT face=3D"Times New = Roman"=20 size=3D3>I don=92t look back. </FONT></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 can=92t. <BR>The hole in the ground is a grave and I have never liked looki= ng into=20 open graves. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">So=20 many of us died.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 didn=92t, but I=92ve died twice before.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">It=20 wasn=92t my time today. Will there ever be my=20 time?<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 look at Faith, how she is holding hands with principal Wood.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Robin.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">They=20 look so good together. Faith smiles at him and gives him a=20 kiss.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">They=20 don=92t mourn the ones that fell. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Maybe=20 it=92s the arrogance that keeps them together. Maybe they are in=20 love.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 don=92t care. Faith has never known true love like I have. I hope Robin mak= es her=20 happy. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Does=20 she deserve happiness? <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">At=20 least she holds on to the man who cares for=20 her.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">She=20 has the chance of happiness.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I had=20 my chance too. I realized it too late.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Faith=20 is beautiful. She is like a sculpture or a painting. She is the dark one, t= he=20 dark side of me. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Maybe=20 I should have been darker=85. If I had fought harder, been harder, would th= e=20 Potentials be alive now? <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Would=20 <B style=3D"mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">he</B> be alive=20 now?<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">When=20 Faith fights she dances. I envy her smooth movements and endless desire to = win,=20 to be the best. Maybe she should have taken my position years ago.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 feel responsible for everything that happened to her. But I can=92t help he= r=20 anymore.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Somehow I feel sorry for=20 her.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 wish I could love her like a sister. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">But=20 the time for those feelings is long gone.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></= P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I let=20 my eyes wander to Dawn. She sits quietly, her slim body is covered with=20 bruises.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Sometimes I feel like I=92ve betrayed her. I wish = I could=20 say something to comfort her but I can=92t.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN>= </P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">There=20 is a dark hole inside my soul and it prevents me from=20 speaking.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Xander is looking at me, trying to make an eye con= tact=20 with me. I don=92t want to look at him, I don=92t see him as my friend anym= ore, he=20 is just one of my many failures. I have tried so hard to push my guilt away= but=20 it=92s overwhelming. He lost his eye because of me. And he lost the love of= his=20 life because of me. Because of my mistakes and lack of strength. I know he= =20 blames me, but he loves me too much to show it. I can=92t look at=20 him.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Feels=20 like they all are expecting me to say something. They are hurt, tired,=20 afraid.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">They=20 need something to hold on to, comforting words,=20 warmth.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 can=92t give them anything anymore.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 buried my inner fire with him. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 step out of the bus.<SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>I try t= o avoid=20 looking at it, the grave, but my feet are dragging me towards it.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 stand on the edge of the crater and spread my arms. I close my eyes and for= a=20 moment I believe I can fly. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 think about what it would be like to lean forward and let myself fall. This= hole=20 in the ground would become my grave too, I could share it with the one I lo= ve.=20 Maybe I could finally rest.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 could easily lean forward until my feet wouldn=92t touch the ground anymore= . I=20 could let the crater suck me in, smash me to the ground and take my life.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">My=20 soul would find his soul and we could spend the eternity together somewhere= far=20 away from this world. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">The=20 sun is burning me, it=92s too hot. I have lived in the shadows for so long = that I=20 don=92t tolerate the direct sunlight anymore. I am a part of the darkness. = All the=20 things that I=92ve loved have been more or less directly connected to the=20 darkness; Slaying, Angel, my friends, Giles and his mysterious past,=20 Spike=85<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 open my eyes and fight back the tears.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">Spike.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">This=20 is his grave, this hole in the ground, this shattered memory of my=20 home.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">This=20 reminder of my biggest battle. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 have made many mistakes, but leaving him there was the worst. I=92m sure I = could=20 have done something to save him. Now I am just the Slayer that failed.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 can=92t see this as a victory when the one that I love is dead.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">The=20 First Evil is gone and I should be too. I have lived longer than any other= =20 Slayer before me, I have already died twice, I have known the death and yet= I=20 live. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 should be there on the bottom of the crater. I should have helped Spike out= and=20 died instead of him. At least he would have known that I love him truly.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">The=20 others have followed me, they are all standing on the edge of the crater,=20 staring straight at the grave. Some of them are holding hands. Some of them= are=20 standing alone.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 know that for the rest of my life I will be standing=20 alone.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">The=20 one who I wanted to stand here with is gone.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN= ></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">=93What=20 did this?=94 Giles asks.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">=93Spike did,=94 I reply=20 quietly.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Giles=20 looks surprised. <SPAN style=3D"mso-spacerun: yes"> </SPAN>He has neve= r=20 believed in Spike, maybe he saw some potential but he didn=92t trust Spike.= =20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">=93He=20 saved us,=94 Giles says. His voice is full of admiration. It=92s too late n= ow, he=20 should have admired him earlier, helped him, cared for him. Maybe Spike wou= ld=20 have survived with the help of my Watcher. I should have done something to = make=20 them trust each other.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">It=20 all comes down to this; I blame myself. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P= > <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Giles=20 turns to face the others.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman">=93Spike saved us,=94 he says quietly. I can see t= hem nodding=20 and murmuring to each other.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-= GB">=93Spike=20 is a hero,=94 </SPAN><st1:City><st1:place><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB">Willow</SPAN></st1:place></st1:City></FO= NT></FONT><SPAN=20 lang=3DEN-GB style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT=20 face=3D"Times New Roman"> declares and smiles. <BR>How can she smile on a m= oment=20 like this?<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 wonder if I will be able to smile ever again.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Giles=20 is smiling too.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">=93Yes,=20 Spike is a hero,=94 he says.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">=93And=20 I love him,=94 I say quietly but loud enough. They heard what I=20 said.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I can=20 see shock in their faces. Dawn is the only one who doesn=92t look confused.= =20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 clear my throat and look at all of them in the eyes. I can see disbelief an= d=20 confusion, shock and even sadness. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">Are=20 they sad because I love a vampire and not a human or because the vampire I = love=20 is dead?<BR>=94I love him,=94 I say with a clear and loud voice, I emphasiz= e every=20 word to make sure that they will never forget what I=20 say.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 turn back to the crater, half expecting Spike to jump up from=20 there.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">But=20 he won=92t. He won=92t appear ever again. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN><= /P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">=93I=20 love you,=94 I whisper to the crater, hoping him to hear me, and close my e= yes=20 again.<o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">I=20 spread my arms wide open, I feel a small breeze on my hair and hope it to b= e a=20 message from Spike. I lean forward, dangerously, ready to jump and=20 fall.</FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">My=20 heart is beating faster than ever before and my soul is yearning for the fi= nal=20 peace. <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><o:p><FONT face=3D"Times New Roman"=20 size=3D3> </FONT></o:p></SPAN></P> <P class=3DMsoNormal style=3D"MARGIN: 0cm 0cm 0pt"><SPAN lang=3DEN-GB=20 style=3D"mso-ansi-language: EN-GB"><FONT size=3D3><FONT face=3D"Times New R= oman">But I=20 don=92t jump because Spike would want me to live.=20 <o:p></o:p></FONT></FONT></SPAN></P></FONT></DIV> <br> <br> <tt> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:<BR> [email protected]<BR> <BR> </tt> <br> <br> <tt>Your use of Yahoo! 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