Re: Bits from Argentina, please review

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Richard Lewis <[email protected]> writes:


Sorry for my late reply it was a busy week.

> Emmanuel Arias <[email protected]> writes:
>
>> Hello!
>>
>> We wrote a bits from Argentina regarding to the site visit.
>>
>> Please, could you review it? Any comments, corrections etc. is=20
>> welcome.
>>
>> https://salsa.debian.org/publicity-team/bits/-/merge_requests/119/diffs
>
> it is a bit of an odd read, im afriad
>
Sorry for that, I'm trying to improve my writing.
>
> - every third word seems to be "argentina"
>
I removed some 'Argentina' word.
>
> - it lacks a story/message: each sentence,and each paragraph=20
> seem to
>   have little relationship to the one before or after: maybe=20
>   think about
>   what you want a reader to take from this
>
> - you give dates without a month -- i'm not even sure if this is=20
> about
> an eventin the future (2026?) or 2008? (if it's about the future=20
> maybe
> say where in Argentina Debconf26 is) but then you link to=20
> something from
> 2022.
>
> - it introduces people but does not say who they are, or why the=20
> reader
>   should care. i think most people will give up after the first
>   pargagraph
>
> - some unusual wordings
>
>   "we happily received to" -> ??? we were pleased to receive=20
>   (but this
>   seems overly formal, i didnt understand why this para was=20
>   there ),
>
>   "to visit the venue" -> i think in the context you mean=20
>   "thanks for
>   <people> for visiting the venue": but why were they/you doing=20
>   that?
>
>   "where we can make some talks" -> where we had some talks OR=20
>   where we
>   will have some talks (what month is this?)
>
>   "is giving us", -> gives us
>
>   "obviously sampled" -> needs some commas around obviously,=20
>   unless you
>   mean you were very conspicuous while drinking. And you say=20
>   "the city"
>   without saying which (no-one is going to remember the previous
>   paragraph at this point)
>
>   "who are all being" -> who were all
>
>   "thanks <names>" -> we would like to thank, or "Thanks to".=20
>   but what are you actually thanking them for - the talks in the=20
>   afternoon?
>
>   "who are making" -> who will make (i assume?)
>
>   "the previous review" -> for reviewing an earlier version of=20
>   (do you need this?)
>
I think I could process all the points you mentioned. Also, I've=20
also
made a few changes to the text, I hope they are correct. Thanks!=20
:-)

=2D-
cheers,
        Emmanuel Arias

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