A Sandwich, A Wallet, and Elizabeth Taylor's Cousin

This is a parable by Merlin Mann:
http://www.43folders.com/2010/11/04/suddenly-last-sandwich

Merlin Mann <http://www.43folders.com/people/merlin-mann> | Nov 4 2010

[image: Poor, poor Sebastian] <http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053318/>

*Being a Parable for the Edification of Independents Seeking Independence*
THE PARABLE

*THE OSTENSIBLE CUSTOMER* enters a deli and saunters up to the counter. The
deli is tended by its rakishly handsome owner, *THE SANDWICH GUY*.

“Hi,” says The Sandwich Guy. “What looks good to you today?”

“Slow down,” says The Ostensible Customer, as *THE LUNCH RUSH* starts
trickling in. “*Lots* of delis want my business, so, first I need to really
understand what you can do for me.”

“Well,” says The Sandwich Guy, “I guess I can try to do what I do for
everybody here and make you a customized version of any of the 15 awesome
sandwiches you see on my menu. What’re you hungry for?”

“Easy, easy, Ricky Roma! Before I make any decisions here I’m going to need
to know a lot more about my options. Why are you so obsessed with ‘what
I want?’”

“Okay, sorry,” says The Sandwich Guy, uneasily eyeing the growing queue of
The Lunch Rush now piling up behind The Ostensible Customer. “What else can
I do to help here?”

“That’s better,” says The Ostensible Customer. “Let’s start by sitting down
for a couple hours and going over all the ingredients you have back there.”

The Sandwich Guy laughs congenially and hands The Ostensible Customer a
menu. “Friend, I can make you whatever you want, but, if it helps, the 15
sandwiches listed here show all the ingredients–right there between the name
and the price…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! *The price*?!? Already you’re reaching for my wallet?
Jeez, I barely just arrived.”

The Lunch Rush is getting restless and grumbling audibly.

“Well. You know. I do *sell sandwiches* for a living,” says The Sandwich
Guy. “Did you have a certain budget in mind for your lunch?”

“Oh, God, no. I’m nowhere near that point yet. I still need to learn
*a lot*more about how you work, and so, obviously, I have no idea what
I want to
pay. Obviously.”

“Okay,” says The Sandwich Guy, “but…I can’t do much for you here without
knowing either what you want to eat or how much money you want to spend. You
get that, right?”

The Ostensible Customer is miffed.

“Listen, here. What I ‘get,’ so-called Sandwich Guy, is that you’re not
going to rush me into some tricky lifetime sandwich commitment until I
understand precisely who I’m working with. And, so far, I *do not* like what
I see. Still. I intend to find out more. So, meet me in Canada tomorrow to
talk about this for an hour.”

The Lunch Rush begins waving their wallets as they lob their completed order
forms at The Sandwich Guy’s face.

“Sorry,” says The Sandwich Guy. “I can’t do that. How about I just make you
a Reuben. It’s really good, it’s our most popular sandwich, and it only
costs eight bucks.”

“WHAT! EIGHT *DOLLARS*! ‘Dollars’ with a ‘*d*?’ That’s *way* too much!”

“I thought you didn’t have a budget,” says The Sandwich Guy.

“Well, I don’t. And, besides, I don’t really ‘*need*’ a sandwich at all.
Now, kindly fly to Canada.”

“That’s not going to happen, sir.”

“Also,” says The Ostensible Customer, “if I *do* decide to get a sandwich
from you–and it’s looking increasingly less likely that I will–I’ll *
absolutely* expect your deeply discounted price to reflect the fact that I’m
not particularly hungry right now.”

The Lunch Rush begins lighting torches and chanting a guttural chant, not
unlike the haunting overtone singing of Tuvan herdsmen.

“Look,” sighs The Sandwich Guy, “it sounds like you need a little more time.
Here’s a free Coke and a complimentary bowl of pickles. Please have a seat,
take all the time you need, then just come on up whenever you’re ready to
order, okay?”

“‘*READY*?!?’ TO…‘*ORDER*?!?’ Are you out of your *mind*?”

“Mmmm…apparently.”

Presently, The Ostensible Customer turns beet-red.

“This is *an outrage*! I can’t even imagine how you stay in business when
you treat your customers like this.”

The Lunch Rush grows silent as The Sandwich Guy slowly leans over the
counter and smiles–his nose one slice of corned beef from The Ostensible
Customer’s nose.

“Sir. First off: you aren’t my customer *yet*. Right now, you’re just some
dude holding a bowl of free pickles.”

“Buh?” fumbled The Ostensible Customer.

“And, second, the way I ‘stay in business’ is by making great sandwiches and
having as few conversations like the one we’re having as possible,” The
Sandwich Guy coos.

“Because, the truth is, my *real* customers are actually all those nice
people standing behind you. They’re the people who buy my sandwiches with
real money over and over again. I really like them, and so I give them
almost all of my attention.”

The Sandwich Guy waves at The Lunch Rush. The Lunch Rush waves back. The
Ostensible Customer looks stunned.

“Sir,” says The Sandwich Guy “enjoy your Coke and your pickles with my
compliments. But, please step aside. Because right now, there’s a whole
bunch of hungry people trying to buy sandwiches that won’t require me flying
to Canada. *Next, please!*”

The Lunch Rush roars approval. The Ostensible Customer is still stunned.
Which is unfortunate.

Because, several men from the back of the line spontaneously rush forward to
drag The Ostensible Customer, screaming and grasping, onto the busy sidewalk
outside, where they proceed to devour his flesh like those street urchins who
eat Elizabeth Taylor’s cousin in *Suddenly, Last
Summer*<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suddenly,_Last_Summer_%28film%29>
.

Meanwhile, The Sandwich Guy goes back to making sandwiches. And, The Lunch
Rush goes back to eating them.
THE MORAL(S)?

   1. The Sandwich Guy can’t do much for you until you’re hungry enough to
   really want a sandwich.
   2. Once you’re hungry enough, you still have to pay money for the
   sandwich. This won’t *not* come up.
   3. Few people become “a good customer” without understanding both 1
   and 2.
   4. Few companies become “a smart business” without understanding 1, 2,
   and 3.
   5. Basing his business on an understanding of 1, 2, 3, 4, *and* 5 doesn’t
   make The Sandwich Guy a dick; it makes him *a smart business*.
   6. If you vacation with Elizabeth Taylor? Seriously. Avoid provoking the
   cannibalistic rent boys.

THE HOPE

Me? I just very much hope it takes you far less than 15
years<http://www.kungfugrippe.com/post/1476815425/two-all-beef-patties-special-sauce-et-al>to
see and accept these sorts of things. Both as a customer
*and* as a business.

Guys, avoid working for anyone who’s not hungry enough to compensate you for
your sandwich. It literally doesn’t pay.


Johne Cook
| http://raygunrevival.com | http://authorculture.blogspot.com |

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