John Scalzi's Science Fictional Thanksgiving prayer

http://www.filmcritic.com/features/2010/11/a-science-fiction-thanksgiving-grace/

[image: John Scalzi - Saying Thanksgiving Grace, the Science-fictional
Way]<http://www.filmcritic.com/features/2010/11/a-science-fiction-thanksgiving-grace/>

*Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the US,* and so for my FilmCritic.com
column this week, I thought it appropriate to offer up a prayer, suitable
for a Thanksgiving meal, offering up our humble gratitude for heath,
happiness, good food, and the fact that we have yet to be invaded by alien
armadas, among other topics of a science fictional
nature<http://www.filmcritic.com/features/2010/11/a-science-fiction-thanksgiving-grace/>.
Go check it out, and if tomorrow, you are asked to lead the table in grace,
you’ll know exactly what to say. You’re *welcome*.

(And no, I don’t know what Hannah and Her Sisters, pictured above, has to do
with science fiction. Hey, it pictures a holiday meal. Just go with it,
man.)


> Dear Great and Gracious Lord:
>
> This Thanksgiving, we pause to reflect on all the bounty and good fortune
> with which you have graced us this year. Thank you, Lord, for this feast we
> have in front of us and for the family and friends who are with us today to
> enjoy this bounty and this day with us, even our Cousin Chet. Thank you for
> our health and for our happiness.
>
> We also thank you for the world, and that in your wisdom you have not
> stopped the Earth's core from rotating, collapsing our planet's magnetic
> field and causing microwaves from the sun to fry whole cities and requiring
> a plucky band of scientists to drill down through the mantle and start the
> core's rotation with nuclear bombs. That seems like a lot of work, so we are
> pleased you've kept the Earth's core as it is.
>
> We also thank you for once again not allowing our technology to gain
> sentience and then launch our own missiles at us, not sending a robot back
> in time to kill the mother of the human resistance, and not deciding to
> enslave us all and use our bodies as batteries. That doesn't even make sense
> from an energy-management point of view, Lord, and you'd think the robots
> would know that. But in your wisdom, you haven't made it an issue yet, so
> thank you.
>
>
> Additionally, let us extend our gratitude that this was not the year you
> allowed the alien armadas to attack, to rapaciously steal our natural
> resources, and to feed on us, obliging us to make a last-ditch effort to
> infect their computers with a virus, or to rely on microbes to give them a
> nasty cold, or to moisten them vigorously in the hope that they are
> water-soluble. I think I speak for all of us when I say that moistening
> aliens was not on the agenda for any of us at this table. Thank you, Lord,
> for sparing us that duty.
>
> Our further thanks to you, our Lord, for not allowing the aliens to invade
> one at a time and conquer us by taking us over on an individual basis. That
> you in your wisdom have not allowed aliens to quietly inhabit our bodies and
> identities -- the better to attack us by cornering us in the rec room or
> outside while having a smoke -- means that we can enjoy each other's company
> without undue paranoia. It also means that if we are obliged to set a flame
> thrower on Cousin Chet, as we are sometimes tempted to, we will not see his
> flaming head sprout arms and try to scurry away. And for that we are truly
> blessed.
>
> Thank you for not allowing the total moral and economic decline of the
> United States, our Lord, that would turn one or more of our great cities
> into a prison or springing any number of apocalyptic scenarios upon us that
> would turn our planet into a vasty wasteland where only dune buggies and
> leather-clad miscreants have survived. It's not that we have anything
> against leather-clad miscreants -- I refer you, Lord, to the previously
> mentioned Cousin Chet -- but we prefer them to be in the minority, and also
> those dune buggies so rarely have seat belts -- that's just not safe.
>
> Most specifically, thank you, Lord, for not sending a large meteor or comet
> tumbling straight at the planet, forcing the government to turn to oil-rig
> operators to save us all. That oil rig in the Gulf this year didn't exactly
> inspire confidence, if you know what I mean, Lord. And while we know that
> humanity would likely survive such a massive impact thanks to those
> underground cities the government has built, we are not at all confident
> that any of us at this table would be getting a pass into those cities, and
> we don't have either dune buggies or wardrobes made mostly of animal hide.
> So thank you, Lord, for not making us worry about that this year.
>
> Finally, Lord, thank you for once again keeping the scientists from
> bioengineering dinosaurs back to life. While the idea of a pterodactyl with
> stuffing and all the trimmings seems like a good one at first blush, getting
> past the raptors in the supermarket parking lot would probably be a
> challenge, and we would have to end up staking one of our own to the
> shopping-cart return so the rest of us could get past, and I'm not sure that
> we could convince Cousin Chet to do that more than once.
>
> For these and so many other things, Lord, we offer our humble gratitude to
> you this Thanksgiving. However, I think I speak for everyone when I say we
> would still like speeder bikes, so if you could get someone to invent those
> by Christmas we would all be obliged. Amen.
>

Johne Cook
| http://raygunrevival.com | http://authorculture.blogspot.com |

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