[image added] [proofread] [EN] August Newsletter

I have proofread the revised version of the newsletter, as shown in
the webpreview.  All my suggestions relate to the pictures, so I am
attaching a revised version of the xhtml from the webpreview.

To avoid confusion with my previous set of suggestions, the
suggestions below use letter designations, instead of numbers.

A.  First picture:  alt="Collage showing an image from NGI of a
futuristic city, the router freedom sticker and a picture with the
word cybersecurity with a locker "  Replace "locker" with "lock."

B.  Second picture:  alt="A male sitting on a chair close to a screen
showing a graphic about how the EU works.In the foreground the backs
of people staring at the speaker, also seating and with laptops on the
table"

(a)  I suggest replacing "male" with "man."  (This is a matter of
usage.  "Man" would be the usual term in English, and I think that
"male" suggests a contrast with a female person.)

(b)  I suggest replacing "sitting on a chair"  with "seated."  That
the man is sitting is relevant.  That he is on a chair is what anyone
would expect from the report that he is seated.

(c)   I suggest replacing "close to" with "near."  Either would be
suitable, but to me "close to" suggests a greater degree of proximity,
and I think that "near" is quite sufficient.

(d)  I suggest replacing "screen showing a graphic about how the EU
works" with "graphic about how the EU works projected on the wall."

I do not see the screen.  What I think I see is simply a projection of
the graphic onto a bare painted wall.

(e)  Insert a space between the two sentences.

(f)  I suggest replacing "staring at" with "facing."  I cannot tell
that the people are staring.  All I can see is an out-of-focus image
of their backs.  (On the right side of the picture -- not in the
foreground -- I do see someone else present, but he seems to be
covering his eyes.)

(g)  Replace "seating" with "seated."  (It would also be possible to
use "sitting" as a replacement.)

(h)  I suggest replacing the last occurrence of "the" with "their."
Since the table has not previously been described, I prefer not to use
the definite article.

C.  Third picture:  alt="FSFE Summer Meeting attendees posing wth a
pink t-shirt in the garden from LinuxHotel"

(a)  I suggest removing "posing."  To say that people are posing
suggests that they are in a strange position.  Yes, without saying
that they are lined up in rows there will be no indication of that
detail, but saying that they are posing doesn't supply that
information either.

(b)  Replace "wth" with "wearing."  The people are certainly not
posing with a t-shirt.  They are wearing t-shirts.  [In any event,
"wth" is a typographical error that should be corrected.]

(c)  Replace "a pink t-shirt" with "pink t-shirts."

If they were all simultaneously wearing a single t-shirt, that would
indeed be an impressive picture.  8-)

(d)  Replace "from" with "of the."  English usage.


On Tue, Aug 6, 2024 at 5:45 AM Ana Galan <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> Hi all,
>
> we have added one more picture with a caption in the newsletter:
>
> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1251
>
> I already added it in the ES version>
> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1252
>
> And thanks to Richard for his proofread.
>
> Best,
>
> Ana
>
> On 8/3/24 21:00, Richard L. Schmeidler wrote:
> > Thank you.  Before I get to the proofreading, I have a scheduling
> > question.  It seems that the custom is to send the monthly newsletter
> > out for proofreading and translation on Friday.  If I assume that my
> > English-language proofreading won't be read in Berlin until Monday
> > morning, that gives me the whole weekend to work on it.  My question
> > is whether anyone is interested in seeing my proofreading efforts
> > earlier than Monday morning in Europe (the middle of the night in the
> > US).
> >
> > =====
> >
> > I am attaching a version of the xhtml you attached that reflects my
> > suggestions for improvements.
> >
> >
> > 1.  "The EC is planning to cut its funding to NGI projects while in
> > Belgium, the court is supporting end-user’s Router Freedom rights."
> > As written, this says that what happened in Belgium is that the EU is
> > planning on the funding cut.  It says nothing about the location of
> > the court decision.  Two corrections are needed.
> >
> > (a)  Insert a comma after "projects."
> >
> > (b)  Remove the comma after "Belgium."
> >
> > (c)  I suggest replacing "the court is supporting" with "a court has
> > supported."  There are many courts in Belgium; this court is not the
> > only one.  My suggestion conforms this summary to the text.
> >
> > (d)  Replace "end-user’s" with "end-users' ".   The plural form.
> >
> > 2.  "We also submitted feedback on the NIS2 implementation, learnt
> > about Linqa, a Free Software platform developed with public money and
> > gathered with volunteers at the Summer Meeting."
> >
> > (a)  Insert a semicolon after "money."  Not only is this an "Oxford
> > semicolon" consistent with the usage in this newsletter, but it makes
> > the structure of the sentence clearer.  (The insertion has to be of a
> > semicolon, rather than a comma, because this item in the list already
> > contains a comma.  So the list has to become a semicolon-separated
> > list.)
> >
> > (b)  If the suggestion in (a) is followed, replace the comma after
> > "implementation" with a semicolon.
> >
> > 3.  Table of contents:  "NIS2: Protecting Free Software ecosystem in
> > implementation"  See my #7, below.  If that suggestion is followed,
> > the corresponding change should be made here.
> >
> > 4.  "President EU Commission"  I suggest inserting "of the" after
> > "President."  Isn't that her proper title in English?
> >
> > 5.  "Join us in FrOSCon"  See my #13, below.  If that suggestion is
> > followed, the corresponding change should be made here.
> >
> > 6.  "Another way is by supporting us with a donation so we can
> > continue advocating for Software Freedom."  I suggest replacing
> > "Software Freedom" with "software freedom."  The FSFE custom is to use
> > initial capitals when the phrase "Free Software" appears in text, but
> > not to use initial capitals when the phrase "software freedom" appears
> > in text.
> >
> > 7.  Heading:  "NIS2: Protecting Free Software ecosystem in
> > implementation"  I suggest inserting "the" before "ecosystem."
> > English usage, and see the text.
> >
> > If this suggestion is followed, the corresponding change should be
> > made in the Table of contents.  See my #3, above.
> >
> > 8.  "Together with NLnet Labs and the Open Source Security Foundation,
> > the Free Software Foundation Europe (FSFE) submitted feedback on the
> > NIS2 implementation act, pointing to the need of protecting the
> > European Free Software ecosystem."
> >
> > (a)  I suggest replacing "Free Software Foundation Europe (FSFE)" with
> > "FSFE."  To give the full name of the organization here seems
> > unnecessary, where the abbreviation has been used earlier and is also
> > consistently used elsewhere.
> >
> > (b)  I suggest replacing "implementation act" with "Implementation
> > Act."  You know EU usage better than I do, but if this is the name of
> > legislation (and a cursory search suggests that it is) it is customary
> > to use initial capitals at least for every important word in the name.
> >
> > (c)  I suggest replacing "of protecting" with "to protect."  "Of
> > protecting" isn't wrong, but I think that use of the infinitive is
> > more natural.
> >
> > 9.  "Linqa is a bilingual collaboration platform whose code is Free
> > Software and developed using public money."  Insert "was" before
> > developed.  English usage.
> >
> > 10.  "one of the MirageOS core developer"  I suggest replacing
> > "developer" with "developers."  (If he is the only developer, the
> > proper correction is to remove "one of.")
> >
> > 11.  "for a weekend full of surprises, talks and workshops"  Insert an
> > Oxford comma after "talks."
> >
> > 12.  "Once again, we will be this August attending FrOSCon in Sankt
> > Augustin."  I suggest rewriting as "Once again, this August we will be
> > attending FrOSCon in Sankt Augustin."  English usage.  (Other
> > variations are possible.)
> >
> > 13.  Heading:  "Join us in FrOSCon"  I suggest replacing "in" with
> > "at."  English usage.
> >
> > If this suggestion is followed, the corresponding change should be
> > made in the Table of contents.  See my #5, above.
> >
> > 12.  "join them on 16 August!."  Remove the final period [full stop].
> > (It would be possible to remove the exclamation point instead, but I
> > assume that the exclamation was a deliberate choice.)
> >
> >
> > On Fri, Aug 2, 2024 at 9:40 AM Ana Galan <[email protected]> wrote:
> >> Dear all,
> >>
> >> August newsletter is ready for your proofread and translation:
> >>
> >> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1251
> >>
> >> you can also find it attached.
> >>
> >> As you can see, we are missing a picture that will be added next week
> >> before sending it. We will send it, if all works, on Tuesday noon.
> >>
> >> Best,
> >>
> >> Ana
> >>
> >> --
> >> Ana Galan - Senior Project Manager Communications
> >> Free Software Foundation Europe
> >> Schönhauser Allee 6/7, 10119 Berlin, Germany | t:+49 157 92 34 72 12
> >> Registered at Amtsgericht Hamburg, VR 17030  |(fsfe.org/support)
> >> _______________________________________________
> >> Translators mailing list -- [email protected]
> >> To unsubscribe send an email to [email protected]
> >>
> >> This mailing list is covered by the FSFE's Code of Conduct. All
> >> participants are kindly asked to be excellent to each other:
> >> https://fsfe.org/about/codeofconduct
> >
> >
> > --
> > "The problem with quotes on the internet is that it is difficult to
> > determine whether or not they are genuine." -- Abraham Lincoln
>
> --
> Ana Galan - Senior Project Manager Communications
> Free Software Foundation Europe
> Schönhauser Allee 6/7, 10119 Berlin, Germany | t:+49 157 92 34 72 12
> Registered at Amtsgericht Hamburg, VR 17030  |(fsfe.org/support)
>


-- 
"The problem with quotes on the internet is that it is difficult to
determine whether or not they are genuine." -- Abraham Lincoln

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