Re: I Am Homophobic

Homophobia, male shame and related thoughts

Some of us wonder where all this fear of gays or being thought gay is coming from, why 
males have to constantly watch what they say or do to avoid being "suspect."  I think there 
are a number of factors here. First, the sheer terror most boys and men feel about being 
labelled gay is not because of the sexual orientation per se, but because of the ostracism that 
results. To be gay is (in our culture) is to have failed as a man (this is not my view, I am just 
stating what our culture does).  This is a fate worse than death for most males. For a boy, 
the pressure to "be a man" is so intense--and every adolescent is so insecure--that the gay 
label gets bandied about unmercifully. (Better the other guy gets it than me.) And men and 
boys are hardwired to be part of a male peer group--male bonding.  To be cast out of the 
"company of men" is to be utterly alone. Again, this is a fate worse than death. But this is 
only part of the story.  I think male sexuality includes a significant homoerotic element (this 
varies from man to man), perhaps as a result of our male-bonding wiring. Because most 
guys, at least at young men, have fooled around with other guys (jo buddies, etc) or felt 
some feelings toward or about other males (and a lot of this comes from father hunger--
boys wanting a closer, affirming relationship with their dads and not getting it), we all 
secretly fear being "found out."  As one of us mentioned below, those who most revile gays 
are usually the ones repressing the strongest homoerotic feelings.  Thus we men fear the 
gay label because we think that, because of the normal homoerotic feelings we may have, it 
might be true. (Homoerotic feelings do not necessarily mean you are gay.  As I said, I think 
that such feelings are to some extent part of normal male sexuality.) If it might be true, then 
we are in danger of expulsion from manhood, etc. and the cycle starts all over.  As far as I 
know, only men have this fear about themselves. I don't think women feel fairly secure as 
females. Girls become women as part of the natural process of growing up.  But for boys, it 
is not such a sure thing.  Men have to initiate boys into manhood, and it is a test that is 
possible for you to fail.  This brings me to my second point, male shame (and confusion). 
Many of us have been wondering why our younger brothers seem so bashful about nudity 
in front of each other and seek to cover themselves up more in public.  Obviously, not all 
young men are like this, but it seems that more are nowadays than when us boomers were 
young.  I think three things play a part in this: feminism, advertising and fathers.  Since the 
advent of feminism, masculinity has become less and less admired, to the point where it is 
now ridiculed in popular culture. There is a noticeable disdain for men.  After all, so the PC 
propaganda goes, men are to blame for everything! Even when we're not villains, we're 
buffoons (a la Tim Allen).  Any all-male gathering is now immediately suspect, and 
discouraged as sexist.  This cultural milieu has eroded a lot of the confidence men once had 
in themselves.  A lot of men are wondering just what value they have (other than a 
paycheck)any more.  Men are in a pretty vulnerable place right now: women are doing a lot 
of what was once "men's work," so we no longer get a sense of validation from that.  The 
laws regarding marriage and divorce strongly favor women, so much so that many men fear 
marriage. A man could end up being taken to the cleaners at the drop of a hat.  Women have 
an absolute right to abort their pregnancies, while men have aboslutely no say whatsoever. 
Are we becoming simply women's pets (simply a means for their sexual enjoyment and 
reproductive fulfillment)or beast of burden who do all the hard, dangerous and dirty work?  
Since only a handful of males are needed to continue the species, what becomes of us when 
our value to society is reduced to being simply providers of sperm.)  (And what happens 
when even that function is no longer necessary?) Then, of course, there is advertising and 
the media, which now use nude and semi-nude male models to sell just about everything.  
So young men are now comparing themselves to these hairless products of the fitness club 
and finding they come up short.  Where men used to be supremely unconcerned about how 
they looked in front of other men, now we see a whole generation coming along who have 
been made painfully self-conscious about their bodies.  Finally, there is the lack of father-
son bonding.  This is ironic, because I don't think any generation in recent memory has tried 
harder to be good fathers--spending time with and being involved with their kids.  Yet, 
somehow, this is not enough.  Our boys are in worse shape than ever.  When men of my 
generation were young, our fathers either could not or would not spend a lot of time with us.  
It wasn't part of the script for them, and many of them just didn't know how.  They had to 
work.  Now, a lot of them did do a great job--but they weren't changing diapers or bottle-
feeding their babies.  That was for the women.   Nor did they cook or do laundry.  But, what 
they did have, is a culture which affirmed masculinity and the masculine confidence that 
comes from having a place of honor in the family and society.  We, as men, don't have that 
any more.  So we have less confidence to pass on to our sons.  Nor do we have the cultural 
institutions that helped our fathers and grandfathers: boys rarely see what their fathers do 
for a living--and most of it doesn't make much sense to them anyway, nor are there the male 
sanctuaries there used to be where men can gather on a regular basis to recharge their 
masculinity (skinny dipping at the Y, for example!) and where their sons could get educated 
in their masculine heritage, nor are their any rituals or structures any more where men can 
initiate their boys into manhood.  The result is men who feel unsure of and somewhat 
emasculated about their role in society and boys who feel extremely vulnerable and 
unconnected to men. 
This is a very long and philosphical answer--and even then I'm sure I've missed something. 
Anyway, it's something to think about. 
A REPLY

I don't believe that this is happening in all cultures, though.  Take the Hispanic community, 
for example.  I (of English descent) live in a predominately Hispanic neighborhood. I notice 
that the Hispanic men, young and old, greatly value their male-male relationships. Even 
though they may have wives and children, they are never "cut off" from their male friends. 
The men gather in their garages, play dominoes, throw darts, drink cerveza and play guitar, 
with no women around.  Is there anyone from the Hispanic culture out there that can 
comment on this?

ANOTHER VIEW

Virtually all teens, at one time or another during their adolescence, experience erotic 
thoughts about their friends of the same gender; some of them experiment in the matter.  
The majority reject these fantasies or unrewarding sexual contacts, then perceive that they 
have been chosen to be straight.
What has happened, though, is that heterosexual youths have chosen heterosexuality 
because that is what they are -- not a remarkable event.  Homophobes want to force on 
schools the sad business of teaching children that the feelings of their hearts will make them 
forever unclean, indecent, and unfit for love or society.