Re: A.A.P.C. FOLKLORE, Part Forty-Three

> HarryLime wrote:
> THE SHITHOLEVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
> 
> "Ode to My Slurp-puppet" is an epic, humorous poem that was co-written by the members of A.A.P.C. (although Michael Pendragon and NancyGene were the primary authors) in reaction to an annoyingly repetitive post by Will Donkey.
> 
> Will Donkey made a practice of bumping his old posts to the top of the feed by re-thanking anyone who'd commented on them in the past.  General Zod (Stinky George) would aid and abet him in this practice by dropping one word comments after each of Will Donkey's posts -- to which the Donkey would invariably reply "Thanks for the nod, General Zod."
> 
> Out of a collective sense of frustration, the A.A.P.C. members took to composing a new stanza to "Ode to My Slurp-puppet" each time that the Donkey thanked General Zod for the nod.
> 
> The resultant poem ran for 1,000s of lines, far surpassing "Penny's Hat" in terms of length.
> 
> It can still be read online, although it was too long for a single post and had to be submitted in parts.



THE SHADOWVILLE MYTHOS: Ode to My Slurp-puppet
PART FOUR


A Donkey rates liplocks:

"Zod,
There once was a hobo named Sulzbach
whose kisses were sweeter than swine.
I kissed many pigs
but had no paying gigs
and now we embrace in the breadline.



"There once was a retard named 'Jordy'

Whose kisses I couldn't afford, he

Was a kept man, you see,

By his rich family

But I still think the bugger adored me.



A Donkey lives his best life:

"Zod,
I am beat,
smell my feet,
give me something good to eat,
listen as I whine and bleat,
let's go out and work the street,
you love it when I lie and cheat
the government and welfare teat,
the backyard where I still excrete
my no-stink poop, no toilet seat
left up or down or have to greet
a boss, a work, a dumb timesheet.



"Hear me bleat

I'm a Beat,

General Zod lives in a teet,

George won't eat beneath a sheet,

Isaac's smuggling Jordy's meat,

Handy Sandy's still a treat,

But my life feels incomplete…

Self-conceit cannot compete

With self-awareness; self-deceit

Is all I have, so self-defeat

Will meet me at my judgement seat.



"A Donkey's life is not a treat

I have no friends whom I can greet,

Folks avoid me on the street

-- Eau de Pissbum don't smell sweet --

No retard Brother to mistreat,

Farewell, Welfare!  (How will I eat?)

There's no one here I'd dare entreat

For one more dime, still I'm upbeat

A Donkey's never obsolete.



A Donkey skips out:

"Zoderella, dressed in yella
went downstairs to meet his fella.
How many times did he have rubella?

"Zoderella, a capella,
thinks that Donkeys kiss real swella,
tastes like cigs and mozzarella.

"Zoderella, really smella,
night and day he wants to tella
'nother guy hello and spella

"mf, pinhead, nailed it, sell a
monkey-faced drawing from his cell -- a
county jail without a tele-
phone to post and spam and, well a
fine place to hear his own death knella,
and he learns for whom tolls the bella.

"Little Zoddy, dresses shoddy
Lice and fleas adorn his body,
Drinks bum piss and calls it toddy,
Won't take down his pants to potty.

"Little Zoddy, gives a noddy
Slurps my poems like a twat, he
Sometimes gets a little naughty,
Strokes me till I shoot my waddie.

"Little Zoddy, short and squatty
People call him 'General Clod,' he
Whines when they say 'Shut up, Todd,' see
He can't stand that he's nobody."



A Donkey -- all along the water tower:

"Zod,
I see London,
I see Dance,
I see GZ's underpants.
Crawling out are fire ants
saying 'Die' in tiny chants,
as we demand more gov'ment grants,
and grow our own big potted plants,
and just ignore the 'shut up' rants,
since you are painting new Rembrandts,
and wine and smoke have helped supplant
real food for us and sycophants.



"I see Phenix City, too

Alabam, the Chattahoo,

There's so much a bum can do

Let's go find a pooch to screw,

Catch some rats and make some stew,

Beg for change to score some brew

I'll take Coors lite, how 'bout you?



"I see your tarp and my shed

Where I sleep in Bro Dave's bed

-- Done told that boy the paint was lead!

I see Waffle House dead ahead

Time for Donkeys to be fed,

Buttered pancakes, buttered bread

Bacon, eggs, ketchup so red

Like how Brother David bled

When you cracked his pointy head.



"I see Candace, Tina, Jo

Pretty maids lined in a row,

Julie Pooley, old LoHo

Handy Sandy bent to blow--

Faded visions come and go

Of all the girls I used to know

("Biblically," if I do say so)

Good thing that I've got my po-

Etry to keep them near me as I grow

Fat and old and kinda slow…

Yo! Dirty Mike! Strum that banjo!



A Donkey moves out of the hills:

"Listen you trolls to my tale of Zod, my Dude,
a piss poor bum, and his language is “quite” rude.
He bumps my posts and helps me fight a feud,
and he bathes in the holes that come bubbling up pooed.

"Dark, he is, and filthy and crude.

"Well, the first thing I know, Zod draws me in the nude.
Everyone said that the pictures were real lewd,
but it gets old eating rat tails barbecued,
so I ground up Brother Dave and he’s now a health food.

"We were famous then, interviewed.

"Now I have no time to post with attitude,
and I’ve sold everything to support my worthless brood,
and I’m thinking of moving north to GD’s latitude,
if I can walk there with my coffee pulchritude.

"Fat, that is, ineptitude.



"Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Donkey!



"H'yah!  H'yah!



"Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'

Though your flames are stolen

Keep your ego swollen

Donkey!



"Through sneers and plonks and harassment

And all kinds of embarrassment

I got my stinkbum by my side,

Just drinkin' beer and pissin'

Good waffles and butt kissin'

Will always serve to soothe my hurt pride.



"Necropost, bump 'em up

Bump 'em up, necropost

Necropost, bump 'em up

Donkey!

Give a slurp, get a slurp

Get a slurp, give a slurp

Give a slurp, get a slurp

Donkey!



"Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'

Whinin' and cajolin'

Smokin' and cornholin'

With hos!



"They say that I'm a clown, I

Keep stinkin' up the town, I

Soon will be bigger than a whale.

But I say bigger's better

And here comes big Loretta

Offerin' me her charms for sale.



"Bump 'em up, slurp 'em up

Slurp 'em up, bump 'em up

Bump 'em up, slurp 'em up

Donkey!

Hello Zod, hello Dance

I'm too fat for Google pants

And a dozen 'Hello's' for Jordy.



"Keep trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Trollin', trollin', trollin'

Donkey!



"ZORRO!



A Donkey writes what he knows:

"Zod,
I think that I'll write the great American novel
about this fat guy who lives in a ramshackle hovel
and he writes down his thoughts each day over waffles
and talks a lot about being born in a brothel
and how all of the bullies treated him awful
and he had big ears and a toilet paper schnozzle
and people told him he acted menopausal
but the story, of course, isn't autobiographical
and the hero has a great sense of spel and a thick skull.



"My hero was born in 1958

Down in La Grange, Georgia, which is the best state,

The acme of culture, a real boilerplate

Of apple montages and Taco Hut dates.

His name is 'Will Honky,' a name that he hates

Because he likes black folks, black cooch is first-rate

And cooch is important when choosing your mate

If it ain't got no muscles, you cain't consummate.

His Pa was named Kelly, though no 'feminate

His Ma was named Mildred, and they'd fornicate

Like rabbits in springtime, need I 'lucidate?



"Thus Willie was born on the 7th of May

'Cause that's what you gets when you makes too much hay,

Leastways that's the story I heard the folks say

I got me a Joey, a Sarah, and Clay.

Willie banged  Cousin Jenny when she was 'bouts three

And he was just seven, y'all know how that be!

Cause this tale takes place in the Deep South, you see,

And deep in the South we do things diff'rently.



"Now Will had a brother what's named Brother Dave

A dim-witted dwarf boy who needed a shave

When he's just two weeks old, but the Guvermint gave

Dave a monthly paycheck that his folks used to save

For booze, weed, and chitlins -- they went to their grave

Without two cent between 'em, so Will made Dave his slave.



"But I'm getting' ahead of my story, agin

Will was seven years old, sippin' Pa's homebrewed gin

And a gettin' his booty from his younger kin,

An' the neighbor kids, too, if'n they folks let him in.



A Donkey proudly wears his ears:

"Zod,
Who's the filthiest of guys
who served in the Gay-Vee
G E O R G E
S U L Z B

"Prey there, lie there, ho's there,
You're unwelcome as your fleas
G E O R G E
S U L Z B

"George Sulz-B, George Sulz-B
The cops told you to hold your hands up high
Hi, Hi, Hi!

"We're always wrong, we won't live long,
on this we can agree.
J O R D Y'S
U N C L E



A Donkey waxes sentimental on his poetry:



"A poem's a fart your brain makes

Morning, noon or night.

In poems there are no mistakes,

Whatever you write is alright.



"Have faith in your poems and someday

Your success with come smiling through;

No matter how your peers are mocking

If you keep right on socking

Your dreams of a Perky will come true.



A Donkey is cast away:

"This is tit for tat and you'll want some tail
Some tail of a local ho
Who worked out in the apple trees
Where Columbums get their blow.

"The bait was a sunken chest of a man
Who smelled of horse manure
Five customers showed up at once
Poets, they said they were, but all poets are obscure.

"A Donkey started getting rough
The ho was salad tossed
The crowd discouraged the Donkey's spew
But they wanted BJs at cost, wanted BJs at cost.

"The ho held her ground in the fumes and the mist of those ol' apple trees
With the Donkey
The Lo-Ho
The Bum and his Dirty Mike
The Jordy's Uncle
The Ibish
The Canuck Cross-Dresser and his Straw Man
And they all became senile.



"Here's the story

Of a skunky Donkey

Who was bringing up a pair of smelly socks,

And he called them 'General Zod' and 'Jordy's Unckie' --

They'd chant 'The Donkey ROCKS!'



"Here's the story

Of a man named 'Georgie'

A Mensa member, pothead and Canuck

He would run away from fights, like Mr. Porgie

He was a stoopid… cluck.



"Till the one day when the Donkey met this fella

And he didn't care how bad the Donkey stank;

So this group would soon form an alliance

That's the way they all became the Dunce Gang.



"The Duh-unce Gang.

The Duh-unce Gang.

That's the way they became the Duh-unce Gang.



A Donkey uses a cane but is not able:

"Zod,
I had my son when I was young
Folks said he was a bastard's son
He wore a dress and cowboy hat
They called him fat, fat bastard's son.

"He had to steal and cry all day
And women's eyes knew he was gay
He wore a horse's tail for fun
They called him fat, fat bastard's son.

"The males that he nailed are still around
They said he was the best in town
Poets laughed and threw him under a train
but they couldn't stop me in my con game.

"Now he is dressed as My Little Pony
and he's in love with you, my crony
We each now weigh a metric ton
They call us fat, fat bastard and son.

A Donkey experiments with gainful employment:



"The end of the Senior year was near

And quite accidentally,

A Donkey was pressed to pass his test…

He failed; and was left back again at twenty-three.



"His GED papers failed to thrill

Employers all over town,

And so he wound up in the steel mill

Until that bleak day when the mill… shut down.



"Now Willie's a bum, subhuman pond scum

And folks downwind of him sicken,

A fat, drunken slob, eats rat-kabob

And swears that it tastes like chicken.



"When busking for handouts gets him down

He shines up his old Perky,

Before he became a drunken clown

And so he resumes with a troll and slurp…

AAPC!



A Donkey sings a dirge:

"Zod,
Dirt Angel, Dirt Angel, you were my brother.
I miss your checks and the checks I stole from Mother.
Now you're just chunks, chunks rolling down a hill.

"Dirt Angel, Dirt Angel, I sleep in your bed,
So it's a good thing, a good thing you're dead.
You were a retard, a retard who's finally still.

"I took care of you, and I brewed
The coffee for my DT sweats;
I was on dope, still you stayed,
For the packages of cig, cigarettes.

"Dirt Brother, Dirt Brother, you took enough time
To truly croak, your funeral cost a dime;
You were a millstone, and now I can finally chill.



A Donkey sings an encore:



"That fateful night

Zod blackout drunk

behind the railroad track



"I ran away and I was safe…

But I'd left Dirt Brother ba-a-ack.



"Dirt Brother, can you hear me?

Dirt Brother, can you see me?

Can it be, you're really dead…

And do I own the family shed?



"What was it Zod was pissed about

When he cracked your skull that night?

They say they found some cigarettes

Clutched in your fingers, ti-i-ight.



"Dirt Brother, can you hear me?

Dirt Brother, can you see me?

Are you really dead, by heck…

Now I won't get your disability check.



"Just sixty-one

And now you're gone,

Your ashes blown away…



"I didn't drop them in the dirt

That was your nephew, Cla-a-ay.



"Dirt Brother, can you hear me?

Dirt Brother, can you see me?

It's a shame you didn't own crap…

I've inherited your knitted cap.



A Donkey seeks an introduction:

"Zod,
What's your name?
Is it Rocky or Sand?
What's your name?
Do you give jobs with hands?
It's so hard to find a guy of bestiality
and no morality
What's your name?
Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee Haw.



A Donkey inspires his cheer bois:



"Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Donkey slop!



"Well you can slurp it, you can swill it

But you're never gonna kill it,

Donkey slop!



"When the Donkey starts a spewin'

You can bet that Zod's a chewin'

Donkey slop!



"Do the Donkey feces

'Cause my crap always pleases,

Donkey slop!



"Let's slurp Donkey slop!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!  Oh, Stinky!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!  Oh, Stinky!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!

Come on, let's slurp Donkey slop!

"Well you can sing it, you can slurp it

You can belch it, you can burp it

Donkey slop!



"Where the Donkey is a poet

Even if nobody knows it,

Donkey slop!



"All the Zods and Isaacs gonna get their kicks

With Donkey Slop!



"Let's go!



"Let's slurp Donkey slop!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!  Oh, Stinky!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!  Oh, Stinky!

Let's slurp Donkey slop!

Come on, let's slurp Donkey slop!



"Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Haw Hee Haw Haw

Donkey slop!



A Donkey considers schoolin’

"Zod,
How do you spell 'similarities?'
I never could learn those ABCs
except for the one that starts with a D
'cause I was called that with regularity
and the one with an M because it was me
and I learned the P when I climbed to pee
off the water tower on another crime spree
and George Dance's name starts with a G
and I could write a T at twenty-three
but I never could master Dockery.
Do you think I could get a college degree
if I don't know V, W, X, Y or Z?



"I can count to two, but I can't count to three

I'm dumb as an ox, but they call me 'Donkey,'

I'm too dumb to figger out how that can be.



"I can't hold a note, and I can't sing on key

But why should I let stuff like that bother me?

I can't read or write, but I write poetry,

My ego laid bare for the whole world to see

As I set straight my life's facts for Posterity.



"I ain't had much schoolin' when schoolin' was free

I flunked out again when I turned twenty-three --

But I ain't gonna whine, 'cause it's all right with me,

Who needs school when the state gives a free GED?



A Donkey considers auditioning for America’s Got Talent:

"Zod,
You know I'm an expert at everything
from poems to writing to producing offspring,
though the ones I have lack my coloring
so Lady K may have been doing some swing-
ing and did you know that Martin Luther King
was pastor at my school and took me under his wing
and taught me all about non-violent marching
and I do that today, wearing only a g-string
and I march along as I proudly sing
about my life lived on a broken shoestring
and the many times my ass was put in a sling.



"I write about all the things that Donkeys do

All the drugs that I've taken, the ladies I knew

The drunk truck stop women who charged me to screw

And all of the holes I put my finger to.

I worked in the steel mill and when that job was through

I squatted in lumber yards, and always blew

My money on LSD, weed, coke... it's true

I ate red and green taco sauce until I threw

Up my dinner all over poor Lady K, who

Was still in her tweens and did not have a clue

So I pimped her for blow down on Fourth Avenue.



A Donkey Yo, Ho, Hos:

"Zod,
C. S. Forester modeled Hornblower after me
I blow my own horn and have screwed Ellen Horny
I could have been a pirate on the seven seas
or an admiral of the fleet who drinks rum-laced coffee
and beds all the wenches from A to C
then runs a business based on apple trees
and uses all his leadership talents in an esprit
de corps dragging relatives in poems carefree
of grammar and spelling and that rhymetty
stuff that us moderns don't use 'cause we
done ate all the best and are human spondees.



"He called me 'Hornblower' cause I'll blow your horn

I'll blow your horn just like them guys in gay porn,

I'll stick you and prick you like I was a thorn

Then blow you and blow you from night unto morn.

I'm Hornblower, dammit!  I yam what I yam.

I like to blow horns and I like to post spam,

I'll blow my own horn like I don't give a damn

I set the facts straight with my horn blowing, ma'am.

I'm Willie Hornblower, I cruise up and down

The Riverwalk blowing each bum who's in town,

They don't wipe and sometimes my nose gets all brown

Then folks call me 'Brownnose, the Hornblowin' Clown.'

I'm Willie Hornblower, the queen of the seas!

I ain't got no boat, but I got ticks and fleas,

Just pull out your horn and I'm down on my knees

With visions of trees behind trees behind trees.



A Donkey rolls in fame:

"Zod,
Did you know that the great Horatio Nelson
is the multi-great grandfather of Ricky Nelson
and was the source for the wrestling move of half nelson
except that started as a surrounding full Nelson
and of course there is that Mandela named Nelson
but he wasn’t bad like Baby-Face Nelson
or musical like purple Prince Rogers Nelson
but may have looked somewhat like Willie Nelson
or that Rockefeller with the first name of Nelson
and Eddy who sang Mounty songs was a Nelson
and Brother Dave’s dad was a stray dog named Nelson
so to get more respect, I'm now Admirably Will Nelson



A Dockey ruminates on his partners:

"Zod
I feel like I’m dating twelve different guys.
I screw Zod and Victor and Rocky and, sigh,
it reminds me of seducing those cheese pizza pies
but you’ll never be the man with the beautiful eyes
or Pendragon, who faults me for thousands of lies,
or Cujo who says that I live in pig sties
or Jordo (and I love when he flounces and cries)
and you are not healthy, wealthy or wise
but I love you the most, Zod of my Thighs.



"I used to screw Kathy, and Tina, it's true,

The Dark Queen, and Sandy (and, boy, that girl blew!),

Japonic Julie and Julie Poolie, too

And I screwed truck stop hos for a fiver or two.

But that was the old days and now I'm all through

There's no going back to the life I once knew --

I'm fat, old and smell like a bucket of poo,

I ain't got no job and my bills are all due

And twenty cent tacos cost a buck twenty-two

And four of my toes now stick out of my shoe

So the wimmin I hit on all tell me 'Screw you.'






A Donkey knows Louis Theroux:

"Zod,
Wiggle Wiggle
I rap and wiggle, wiggle
I go crazy when you wriggle, wriggle
It makes my manboobs jiggle, jiggle
And when we’re done, we giggle, giggle
So what if people sniggle, sniggle
At us as I write squiggles, squiggles--
I love to niggle, niggle.

"I'm quite the smart donkey, as smart donkeys go
I've had me some lernin' and quotes me Theroux,
He wrote 'On Golden Pond,' Transcendental, you know
And some book about Walden (Google tells me so)
An' I thinks he was friends with Horatio Hornblow,
Who's based on Ozzie Nelson, whose old tv show
I done read like a comic book (Batman, The Crow…);
But I digest, cuz I was talking Theroux
Who fritters his life away jiggling just so.

A Donkey knows pond scum:

"Zod,
Did you know that Henry David Theroux
was the writer of The Waltons Pond television show,
and the kids were named Jord-Boy, Curly and Moe,
and they said good night just like us and the hos,
and how did they live without mobile gizmos,
but their farm could grew their very own blow,
and I think he wrote my go-to comic The Crow,
and was married to Jennifer two years in a row
and he influenced me just like Vinny van Gogh.

"More than Theroux, when I began
My poet's career, it was my plan
To write like Popeye the sailor man
And eats all me spinaches from a can.
I yam what I yam what I yam what I yam.

"I writes poetry 'bouts me old glory days
'Bouts the ladies I loves an' the games that I plays
An' the drugs what I tooks what puts me in a haze;
All the thoughts whats I thunk, all the things whats I says.
That's all I can pens, 'cause I can't pens no more
'Cept to writes me an ode 'bouts a two-dollar whore.

A Donkey missionaries literacy to the world:

"Zod,
Did you know Theroux is pronounced 'thur OX'
I learned that this year while playing with blocks
though I first read Theroux at my 15th detox
so you see I'm not Pendragon's favorite lummox
but a genius who's playing on every jukebox
and I'm sorry to hear about your Monkey Pox
did you get that from Mike, that old Silver Fox
whose choice of mates is unorthodox
and you shouldn't keep wearing his old dirty socks
Hank Theroux was my favorite while hustling the docks
but now I am reading the deep Goldilocks
and all about bears and their bad news for stocks.

A Donkey reminisces about his youth in the Pre-Industrial age, ca. 1976.

"Cameras were rare back in seventy-six
So I hung with Zu-Bolton but didn't get no pix,
For a buck twenty-five truck stop hos would turn tricks,
And I'd pimp Brother Dave when I needed my fix.
We had no running water, but that was okay,
I'd poop in the backyard, be off on my way,
We used milk crates for chairs and made beds outta hay,
Had no gas fer to cook, had no 'lectrici-tay
But I had Cousin Jen if I needed a lay
And the neighborhood kiddies who all liked to play
At squealin' like piggies just like Ned Beat-tay --
While I may have flunked schoolin' I just want to say
That I lived a darn good life back in the day.

Donkey enters musth:

"Zod,
I'm going through my monthly musth
when I have to bang either balls or bust
or trailer hitches that are covered with rust
but you always like my increased lust
when I have my jet plane, Top Gun thrust
and even the grannies who are covered with dust
know that I am someone they shouldn't trust
and you'll recall that apple pie crust
when I went wild and ate and cussed
because I knew I'd soon combust
and even Ma's dogs expressed disgust
at that poor sheep that I screwed and crushed.

"This musth is a good thing, now don't get me wrong
What else would I do with this huge donkey dong?
I stick it in places where it don't belong
Least that's what the judge says, the law's arm is long…
But long arms or short arms I'm still Donkey Kong
And needs me some holes fer to fill with my schlong.

"Till Dave took his dirt-nap, he'd always come through
And I likes to think that he'd come a bit, too…
When Clay lived at home, he was good for a screw,
But Stoneman the cat would shriek out 'Mew! Mew! Mew!'
Good ol' Handy Sandy done know'd what to do
And Lady K blew till my sweet donkey dew
Was splooged on her dress (good thing it wasn't blue!),
Heck, I drilled every hole I'd put my finger to!
But trust me, being musthy can change your world view --
When life overwhelms you, you always pull through,
So just skip and ignore if you hear the cow moo
The livestock are part of this Donkey's do crew,
And, who knows, someday soon I'll be coming for you.

A Donkey drop kicks names:

"Zod,
Did you know that the Everlees taught me guitar
and that certainly set a very high bar
which I easily reached in becoming a star.
I know 10 chords and the Conleys are far
beneath me in their crude one note repertoire
and you may think that this fact sounds very bizarre
but Don and Phil let me drive around in their car.
We sped through the town, it was a Jaguar,
and they told me to keep it -- that's in my memoir --
and every single Christmas they sent caviar
and that went to the police when I was stopped by radar.

"You see, Shadowville is the real place to be
It's a cutting edge, artistic community,
We've had Ahmos Zu-Bolton, Don and Phil Everlee
Nellie Black, Handy Sandy, and good ol' One Drum Dee --
And folks say Elvis passed by back in sixty-three.
We've Hogbottoms, Doonannies, and buskers for free
All the goddamn celebrities you'd ever see
Henry Conley, his brother, and once even H.C.
Who drove nine hundred miles to watch me take a pee."

A Donkey practices planned parenthood:

"Zod,
Did you know my pants are impregnated with sperm?
People just touch them and all the sperm squirm.
Hos know that and pretend that my body has germs
and laugh that I look like an old pachyderm.
I just tell them to look for the hide-and-seek worm,
and they'll do that if I pay them to fluff and confirm,
and in one sec they're knocked up and the kid is full term,
but I don't support them 'cause hos don't use law firms.

"I hears folks a-talkin' 'bout Row versus Wait,
An' if a girl's cooter belongs to the State,
But I say that's too damn much food on the plate --
Too much for a man like me to contemplate,
I likes cooters and hooters an' thinks they're both great;
If I sees 'em, I squeeze 'em, so why the debate?
Stickin' fingers to holes is a Dockery trait
(Even Clay plays with holes, and he swears they's first rate)…
I'm off to the mule-shed to go donkeybate.

A Donkey plans a Barbie queue:

"Zod,
I'm having a cookout on July the Four
I’m inviting you, Mike and all of the whores
who service the needy like me who can't score
but anyway, bring lots of rats from the shore
of the Hooch and I'll cook them with panache galore
until the skin crackles and they taste like albacore
and I'll wear my chef's hat and my white pinafore
and you can raise up the bum semaphore
just like you did when you were not in the Corps,
and we'll sell what is left at Sarah's bait store
but she says that showing her tits makes them sore
so we need to charge more if a glimpse sells some more
of my books that are gathering dust on the floor
but Amazon and Walmart are having a price war
on my book which I'm trying to sell door to door
and nothing's better with rat than old beans from my drawers.

"I've barbecued everthin' what walks, crawls, or flies,
I've barbecued flies, too, but that's no surprise,
An' y'all knows the best breasts, drumsticks, gizzards and thighs
Come from buzzards, while cats make the best "chicken" pies,
Dogs is good, but the tenderness varies with size…
I done roasted some kids till the neighbors got wise.

"I've grilled skunk, chipmunk, 'possum, snake, lizard and toad
I've grilled leeches and roaches and mushrooms what growed
On some rotten wood branches -- and some of 'em glowed!
But you know there's been days when I'm in my chef's mode
An' the critters was hidin' like they somehow knowed,
An' I get so damn hungry, I'm like to explode…
Then I squat on my grill like it was a commode
An' I lets down my trousers and drops me a load

"Like a big ol' cow patty or two, three of four
An' if'n they's guests fo' dinner, I drops me some more,
Folks calls me 'Grilly Willy,' an' y'all can be sure
That my burgers buys booty from the local whore.

A Donkey is captured for posterity:

"Zod,
I want you to paint me in my glorious buff.
We can bring in Sandy to give me a fluff.
Let's not include the custom handcuffs
but include muscles, my hair and my mangy chest scruff,
and for posing I'll be in the process of muff
diving, and you know I can never get stuffed
on red, green, black or manly hot stuff
who love me all day and then leave in a huff
'cause I won't pay, but I like it rough,
so I'm asking you to get off your duff
and picture me pretty like a monkey on snuff,
just me and my bod and that should be enough
for all of my fans and for you, Powder Puff.

"I want you to body paint me when you're done
You can paint daisies on me, it should be such fun
I make a broad canvas -- I weigh half a ton --
You can paint the grand canyon on just my left bun;
Polka dots on my man-boobs, big pink and green ones
And if you find my wiener, paint it like a gun.
I'll look like a tattooed man, I'm telling you, hon
And when you finish me, you can paint on my son.

Donkey designs his world:

"Zod,
I'd like to pretend that I am a house.
You can paint me bright colors and act as my spouse.
The blue tarp you stole didn't keep out the louse
that's now my pet vermin along with my mouse,
and thanks for finding this pink ruffled blouse
that I wear in the shack while you liberally douse
me with love juice and pull off my baggy old trows
and art fills us both like we're stars at Bauhaus.

"Or maybe I'll pretend that I am a boat
I've got lots of blubber to keep me afloat,
I need to get shipshape, so give me a coat
Of fresh paint to cover my flab and my bloat,
And maybe some blue stars to highlight my scrot.
I'm an impressive vessel, pardon if I gloat
But Horatio Hornblower surely would dote
On my riggings and mainsails -- and this you can quote
I would blow that man's horn like my name was 'Deep Throat.'

A Donkey pines for Manolos:

"Zod,
Do you know any shoes that will fit on my feet?
I have hoofs for feet, which the hos think is neat
but nailing shoes on is hard on the street
and you know that I walk 20 miles just to eat
so pulling shoes on would make a fine treat
and wearing real shoes could get me dark meat
which has a strange texture, not tart and not sweet.
If you find me high heels, I'll be indiscrete
with you and DirtMike in the crew cab backseat,
and hoofs don't feel good on the hot, cracked concrete
but I'd wear stilettos in a Durundo drumbeat
and I'd hee and I'd haw and I'd bleat, Mon Petite.

"Now a donkey in heels is a marvelous sight
I like how it feels, it increases my height;
All the boys at LeGents shout "You go, girl! Alright!"
While the AAPC trolls just laugh out of spite.

"But the fashionable donkeys who want to impress
Wouldn't dream of Manolos without a new dress,
A new, bright blue moomoo, I have to confess
Would be too, too, très froufrou, I'd have such finesse
That all the LeGents gents would call me Princess.

A Donkey builds a time machine:

"Zod,
I think I'm living in 2092.
Sorry, but you'll croak in 2022
and poems are mailing me out of the blue --
how they have my address, I haven't a clue --
and each time I typed, my nose twitched and grew.
I can't even see when I start with my spew.
I make 1000 typos and each is brand new.
I sure hope you hurry so you can push through
30 posts to take the heat off me, whew!
I only have John Dunne and they have a slew
of things like Ed Poland, and Woody won't do
'cause Rochester looks like a god and I knew
that my comebacks were starting to gather mildew,
and I'm crying with shame and can't bum a tissue,
so I'm looking for Pickles, that Wandering Jew,
to save me from trolls, and he's long overdue.

"The future's like everything H.G. Wells said
It would be, but sadly, I'm still better off dead --
In a George Jetson world, I still live in a shed.
I've got tapeworms and chiggers and lice on my head
I've got rats in my cupboard, and fleas in my bed
And they've all got computers and spaceships of red
And make noises like Pac-Man and call me inbred
And George's boy, Elroy, said that I'm a ped-
ophile, and I must admit that I've not read
Much about such things but he's got more than a shred
Of DNA evidence and so I've pled
For mercy -- but got thrown in prison instead.

A Donkey never won no stinkin’ spellin bee

"Zod,
How do you spel the first name William?
I print 4 letters and then I'm, umm?
I also want to know how to spel scrotum.
Asking for a friend with unearned income.
Derundo is to blame for trying to drum
some music into me but I can’t spel rhythm.
HandySandy asked if I liked her gums
but she used her hands and has a green thumb
from sticking it into an apple tree plum,
which is rare but grow in Columbus' slums
where I live in my shack with my bro and my mum
but now they done died and I eat old breadcrumbs
and watch and wait 'til the mailman comes
and I make out the letters WILL IS DUMB.

"It's a liddle known fack that we Donkeys cain't spel
But we tries anyways thoe are werds, sad to tel
Look like sumphin the cat throwed up on are lapel;
Stil we calls 'em 'po-tree,' and claims they look swel.
They's sum peeples tink that are po-trees smel,
But they's all jest trols, and I knows verry wel
That every last one of them's jellice as Hel.

A Donkey seeks definition in his life:

"Zod,
What does it mean to apostrophe?
Does that mean getting all of your meals for free?
Or wearing your pants with a string of G?
Or sacrificing quality for quantity?
Or living your life squalidly?
Or spending each day dishonestly?
Or really needing optometry?
Or mistakes increasing geometrically?
Or drinking coffee for impotency?
Or needing to watch pornography?
Or knowing my art's an atrocity?
Or living with you conjugally?
Or having a roof with porosity?
Or knowing I'm a lump of mediocrity?
Please tell me so I can post more on AAPC.

"What is this thing called 'apostrophe'?
Is it big as a bread box or small as a flea?
Does one drink it with Ripple, or coffee, or tea?
If you show it in public, do girls come to see?
Is it worth anything -- have you got one for me?
Will it help me to win a stinkin' spelling bee?
Let's see: 'A-P-O-S-T-R-O-W-FEE.'
I'm not wrong! Look it up! You're just picking on me!

A Donkey roots around:

"Zod,
I did DNA testing and I'm not my Pa's son.
I'm part donkey, poodle and Pomeranian.
No wonder Ma built us that chain-link dog run
to roll in and dig holes and play fetch for fun.
I had my tail chopped when I turned twenty-one --
Ma said I was like a canine John Donne --
but I'd wag it and lift it when I'd see someone
I liked but humping people's legs just wasn't done
in polite society and that taught me a lesson
to pay for my pleasure or go to prison,
and then I found you and you liked Alpo Sun,
which wasn't steak but tasty on a hamburger bun.

"I'm top dog among poets, Columbus' bard
I shit in a hole I dug in the back yard,
Not my yard, if I'd shat there, I'd have been tarred
And my Pa could wield a switch powerful hard.

"I got me a Perky as all here should know
Who cares if some Pekingese won best in show,
I bow-wow-wow wowed them by singing 'Zorro'
Then traded my trophy to some truck stop ho.

"My Ma was the bitch all the other dogs boned
And I was the runt that bitch flat-out disowned,
I'd wag my tail at her, but she only groaned
'You wouldn't be here if I hadn't got stoned.'

"I'm going for a walk 'long the old Chattahooch
To see if there's any food scraps I can mooch,
The folks there say I am their favorite pooch
And LoHo the ho lets me mooch for some cooch.

"But I'm still a donkey, and not some old stray
And I wrotes me some poems I'm wanting to bray,
Please hold all your giggling because I'm not gay
You can jack on my ass, but you're going to pay.

A Donkey schools himself:

"Zod,
I miss all my years in 11th grade --
of drinking and drugging and getting laid,
though my partners expected that they would get paid
but I stiffed them and you said that was very well played
and you know at that time I only weighed
100 pounds and my afro made
me look like a pencil with an exploded lampshade
on my head but that helped when police'd stage a raid
and I'd stick my tabs in my hair pomade
with my poems, a beer and a battered trade
paperback of 'Southern Poets and Black Handmaids'
and from Barfly and Zu-Bolted I earned accolades
and I was sorry after 10 years when I had to bade
farewell to Carver but I was unafraid
because I would gift the world with a Donkey Serenade.

"There's a stench in the air
And I swear that it's not me
Though I am aware
There's a stench in the air.

"So I'll sing like a fool
Till you're sure I've not farted
And that I am cool
For a fat, drooling mule.

"Amigo mio, do I not have a manly bray?
'Just like a jackass' is what all of the people say.
But they are all just jealous.
Thank God that they can't smell us.
They'd like to be like me, they sniff at my posts all day.

"But try as they may, they are destined to fall
'Cause no one can bray quite like me… HEE-EEE-HAW!
Zod, my sweet, a Donkey's seat is not petite
So come and beat it, it's a treat but please don't eat it
I'm a great Donkey!

"I can give you a ride
While we play Hide the Sausage,
Have you ever tried
A jackass for your bride?

"We can busk on our way
To the old Chattahoochee,
Everyone will pay
Just to hear when I bray.

"Amigo mio, are they listening to my song?
I hear them booing, how can so many be so wrong?
Now someone's chanting 'Zorro!'
Oh no, I hear 'The horror!'
They must be jealous 'cause my voice is so big and strong.

"I bray like a bird, but they all say I spew,
And all that I hear for applause… is 'PEE-YOU!'
Zod, my man, my only fan, we've got to make them understand
That I'm the greatest in the land, King of AAPC!

A Donkey drools and pants:

"Zod,
You've been in my pants, what size do I wear?
Could 32x32 bust out a chair?
Have you ever seen me completely bare?
My bottom is covered with thick monkey hair
that flows past my tail with a donkey swish flair.
I would get those Levi's if Goodwill could spare
something that fit me and the alarm didn't blare
when I stuffed them in my shirt and I was taken somewhere
dirty and nasty where I told them, I swear,
that I didn't steal them and that I was a millionaire,
but I care a lot about my outerwear --
my one pair of pants is easy care
since I don't take them off and they clean open air.
That Rochester's got nerve, dressing debonair,
and like lower numbers will get him anywhere
with the ladies, who all love men shaped like a bear.

"My trousers were once worn by Haystacks Calhoun
And my moob shirt belonged to Gorilla Monsoon
(I can't button it, but it makes the girls swoon).
Folks say that I'm built like a hot air balloon,
I may not be buffed but I am a buffoon,
I'm smart as a whip and I knows what I'm doin'
I make like a singer to get me some poon
Though I am unable to carry a tune
I grunt my way through a drunken baboon.
Rochester is swanky, but I'm more roughhewn,
A hillbilly boy with a face like a prune
I'm older than dirt but folks call me 'jejune'
I bow down to thank them, but shoot them the moon.

A Donkey under the influence:

"Zod,
I wanted to name Clay for my idol Buk
Because Kathy said they both made her puke
I was forced to give her a strong rebuke
when she said Buk's writing was gobbledygook
with a slap 'cross her jaw which got her spooked
and she ran away with that Mexican kook
and I moped around like a dead chinook
but I still had girlfriends and that was no fluke
so how can Pen want to burn and nuke
Bukowski's great poems and classic books?

"Yeah, I learned from the best, Buk has earned his renown,
I'm the biggest jackass in the bad part of town,
Who cares if I can't tell a verb from a noun?
Like Wile E. Coyote, I'm a crazy clown,
I drinks so much likker, most folks thinks I'll drown
My shit's mean and green, it don't never be brown!
My old lady know'd not to give me no frown,
I knocked that bitch up, then I slapped her ass down
It's too bad she's planted six feet undergroun'
Pen makes me so mad I need something to poun'!

A Donkey relocates his Empire

"Zod,
I'm planning a move to NY to be near
Pen and Edward and then they can hear
me sing and poet and they won't dare sneer
at my talent and form and large, shapely rear
and hoofs hot to trot in city footgear.
I'll be a big hit as a smooth balladeer
and might even take in some fluffy premieres
of major porn flicks and then get a pap smear.
I'll perform on Broadway in less than a year,
and Pen and Edward can no longer smear
my outstanding skill as a writing pioneer
of Southern poems from Columbus' Shakespeare,
and you'll move there too as my venue cashier
and in a NY minute, all our worries disappear.

"Ol' Blue Eyes said I'll make it there
Because I've made it anywhere…
Well, almost made it, to be fair,
I headlined at Doo-Nanny, I swear!
As donkeys go, I'm debonaire,
I've got that equine savoir faire,
And when I make my nostrils flare
The ladies act just like a mare
In heat -- so gentlemen, take care
They can't resist my frizzy hair
They squee and toss their.underwear
And want to squeeze the sexy spare
Tire atop my derriere. 


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