Re: Chessmen and Dominoes / Will Dockery
[email protected] (Will-Dockery)
| Newsgroups | alt.arts.poetry.comments |
|---|---|
| Message-ID | <[email protected]> |
> Anonymous wrote: > Will Dockery wrote: > >> Bill Evans wrote: >> Michael Pendragon <michaelmaleficapendragon> wrote: >> Will Dockery wrote: >> >> [snip] >> >> Chessmen and Dominoes >> >> Hair rolling down her back >> he sank as if into a sea. >> >> Line 1 describes a female subject, but line 2 switches the subject's sex. >> >> I know what you're trying to do, but this structure is grammatically unsound. >> >> Try modifying 1st line to focus on the male subject. For example: >> >> "Memories of hair rolling down her back >> he sank as if into a sea." >> >> Too awkward. The patching-up marks are too obvious. How >> about this? >> >> Hair rolling down her back. >> He sank as if into a sea. >> >> -- >> Bill Evans / Box 1224 / Mariposa, CA 95338 / (209)742-4720 >> Mail-To: [email protected] -- PGP encrypted mail preferred. -- >> pgpkey.mariposabill.com for public key. Key #: 8D8B521B >> PGPprint: 0A9C 3545 8FFF 7501 6265 1519 40FF 76F9 8D8B 521B >> >> I have the original, from 1983, nearby, so it might be interesting to see how I changed it for Usenet, by retyping it, 16 or 17 years ago. >> > > > > Translation aka more lies and misrepresentations from" Anonymous." 😏 This response appears in the discussion at: http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=659012282#659012282 -- Via JLA Forums web gateway for alt.arts.poetry.comments: http://www.jlaforums.com/viewforum.php?f=655