Re: WILL DONKEY REVIEWED #7 "STAR CHILD MEMORY"

> Anonymous wrote:
> 
>> HarryLime wrote:
>> 
>>> HarryLime wrote:
>>> Here's the seventh poem in the 2023 series of Donkey poems reviewed:
>>> 
>>> WILL DONKEY REVIEWED #7 "STAR CHILD MEMORY"
>>> 138 views
>>> Michael Pendragon's profile photo
>>> Michael Pendragon
>>> Nov 19, 2023, 12:19:22 AM
>>> to
>>> > Star Child Memory
>>> > by Will Dockery
>>> 
>>> My immediate reaction to the title is that it is a) in reference to "2001: A Space Odyssey," and b) setting off warning bells that a new-agey, psychedelic drug trip poem will follow.
>>> 
>>> Of course my policy has always been to critique a poem on its own terms, so a new-agey psychedelic drug trip poem has just as much chance of receiving a positive review as does any other poem. I'm just mentioning this as an example of how a title can affect one's reading of/reaction to a poem.
>>> 
>>> > Snapshot of a moment
>>> 
>>> As, indeed, all snapshots are.
>>> 
>>> I'm reminded of the old "Times of Your Life" Kodak commercial/Paul Anka record from the 1970s.
>>> 
>>> And while we're stuck in the 70s, I'd just like to note that I find Jim Croce's idea of saving "Time In a Bottle" to be far more poetic an image than a snapshot.
>>> 
>>> > an outdoor poetry reading
>>> > in early Spring 1996.
>>> 
>>> Since the above "moment" is the snapshot in question, "moment" should be followed by a colon.
>>> 
>>> > Glimmering stars
>>> > and looming moon
>>> > through the gloom.
>>> 
>>> There are too many superfluous "oo's" in this passage. I get the feeling that I'm "Roamin' In the Gloamin'" with Harry Lauder.
>>> 
>>> "Gloom" also seems out of place. I don't think of poetry readings or starry nights to be particularly gloomy.
>>> 
>>> Btw: This is an incomplete sentence. I understand that incomplete sentences are expected in a Will Dockery poem, but they really shouldn't be.
>>> 
>>> Of course if they are done intentionally, this would be the perfect spot for you to address the issues raised in my "Fragmentalist Poetry" post.
>>> 
>>> > Passing through
>>> > in that cavern
>>> > of concrete, glass and brick
>>> > off Broadway.
>>> 
>>> And here is sentence fragment number two.
>>> 
>>> While there is a "Broadway" in practically every city in the Country, if no city has been mentioned, the reader automatically defaults to Manhattan.
>>> 
>>> This would lead anyone unfamiliar with the author's life to think his narrator was driving through the Lincoln Tunnel (although it isn't known for having a great deal of glass in its design).
>>> 
>>> > I join the poetry reading
>>> > already in progress.
>>> 
>>> Technically, you're saying that *you* are already in progress when you join the poetry reading.
>>> 
>>> Yes, we all understand what you *intended* to say, but even seemingly inconsequential errors also tell us that the author lacks a basic understanding of the English language -- and that's really not the sort of thing you should want your poetry to be saying.
>>> 
>>> I'm also wondering if there's a reason why a 23-year old memory is being relayed to us in the present tense.
>>> 
>>> > There's a hush in the air
>>> > as we approach.
>>> 
>>> As you approach a poetry *reading*?
>>> 
>>> Since the reading is already "in progress," shouldn't you hear someone reading?
>>> 
>>> > Star Child and her friends
>>> > standing with me
>>> > on the sidewalk.
>>> 
>>> Sentence fragment #3.
>>> 
>>> When you call a character in your poem "Star Child," you're ratcheting up the silly factor considerably.
>>> 
>>> > Glimmering stars above us
>>> > Springtime
>>> > constellations.
>>> 
>>> Sentence fragments #4 and 5. FYI: Two fragments do not necessarily make a whole.
>>> 
>>> The glimmering stars are further evidence that there is nothing "gloomy" about the setting.
>>> 
>>> > Poets sit in a circle
>>> > in the alley
>>> > behind Bazaar Earth.
>>> 
>>> Are you watching them take their seats (which is what you're actually saying), or are you seeing them already seated (which is what I believe you mean to say)?
>>> 
>>> > In those early days
>>> > so late in the game.
>>> 
>>> Sentence fragment #6.
>>> 
>>> You really should start your own Fragmentalist Poetry Movement. It would save you a great deal of embarrassment.
>>> 
>>> BTW: the juxtaposition of "early days" with "late in the game" is oxymoronic ("oxy" optional).
>>> 
>>> > But I couldn't remain
>>> > back then
>>> > I had to keep on moving.
>>> 
>>> You need a colon after "remain" (or after "back then" if you mean that you couldn't remain in your memory).
>>> 
>>> > I told them they couldn't get
>>> > high enough
>>> > to float with me.
>>> 
>>> So... you went to a poetry reading, showed up late, and when it came time for you to read, you told everyone that they were too square (read sober) for you to bother with?
>>> 
>>> > Star Child twinkled and tweaked
>>> > skipping by me
>>> > in that spangled night.
>>> 
>>> "Tweaked?" I've no idea what you intend "tweaked" to convey, but whatever it is, "tweaked" is not the proper word for it.
>>> 
>>> Hippie Dippy poet girls named "Star Child" twinkling through a heavenly star-spangled night are hardly the stuff of doom and gloom. (In case you didn't catch that reference, something's gotta give.)
>>> 
>>> > Stopping at the parking meter
>>> > waving goodbye.
>>> 
>>> Sentence fragment #7.
>>> 
>>> It's unclear whether you, Star Child, or the parking meter is waving "goodbye."
>>> 
>>> > One last visage
>>> > as the memory fades.
>>> 
>>> "Visage" is not the correct word for whatever you were trying to convey:
>>> 
>>> Definition of visage
>>> 1: the face, countenance, or appearance of a person or sometimes an animal
>>> 2: ASPECT, APPEARANCE
>>> the grimy visage of a mining town
>>> -- Merriam-Webster.
>>> 
>>> Could it be that your mobile gizmo wrote "visage" instead of "vision"?
>>> 
>>> Sentence fragments aside, I can't see any point to this narrative. The speaker (who we all know is Will Dockery) remembers going to a gloomy-glittery poetry reading. Some girl he calls "Star Child" is there, but he says he's too cool to hang with her. End of memory.
>>> 
>>> Does the narrator learn anything from this incident? Does he have any feelings regarding it? Or is it just a rather spotty memory that he catches a fleeting glimpse of, shrugs, grunt out a "Heh" and moves on to other memory fragments?
>>> 
>>> > -Will Dockery
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> Based on this, and other reviews, I officially nominate Will Donkey for the title of "The Worst Poet of All Time."
> 
> 
> 
> This is one of my all-time favorite Will Donkey passages:
> 
> > Star Child twinkled and tweaked
> > skipping by me
> > in that spangled night.
> 
> I'm guessing she (he?) tweaked the Donkey's nose.




Lest anyone question why Will Donkey is The World's All-Time Worst Poet. 


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