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If we want to into a war about speed with negative absolute numbers, I think bitwise operations should just about do it.
<?php
function n_abs($v) { return ~abs($v) + 1; }
?>
A NOT operation on any number with a sign bit will produce the negative of that number minus one. All we need to do is add one. Voila!
Speed test results (30000 iterations of various methods) produced very close dueling between the previous suggested method. Although I am on an overloaded Windows PC so I'm no benchmark, and I'll leave it up to you, the reader of this message.
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