Re: Re: Introductions

Hi Chris,

 > The reason I'm so anal about all this is that I used to live
 > and see others living under the (usually not consciously
 > noticed) belief that I should be able to control my feelings in
 > the moment -- that the mere appearance of anger (or fear, etc)
 > was well within my control and if that emotion was not helpful
 > that I was at fault for the feeling itself, and next time I
 > should try even harder to not feel 'bad'.

I feel two ouches when I read this.

The first ouch comes from the shoulds.  If I accept those 
shoulds, I use them to judge myself when I am unable to "control 
my feelings in the moment."  I can sometimes consciously control 
an emotion I'm feeling.  Most of the time I don't control my 
feelings consciously.  I wouldn't want to pretend that I can 
always control my feelings.  I also wouldn't want to assume that 
I can never control my feelings.  Mostly, I wouldn't want to 
judge myself for my limitations.

The second ouch comes from thinking of being "at fault" for my 
feelings.  I believe (consciously, at least) that it's okay to 
feel any feeling.  When I begin to judge myself badly for feeling 
something, I begin to create trouble for myself, and probably for 
the people around me.

A couple of stories.  I was an associate at Change Shop (with 
Jerry Weinberg and Jean Maclendon) in 1996.  At the celebration 
dinner, Jerry noticed that I was picking at my fruit plate, and 
not really eating.  He asked me what was going on.

I told him I was sad.  I'd really enjoyed the workshop, and 
especially the wonderful connections I'd made with my two fellow 
associates.  I said, "I'm going to miss them."

Jerry said, "How do you feel about missing them?"

I waited for the feeling, then burst out laughing.  "I feel great 
that I'm going to miss them.  It means that I love these people!" 
  I decided that I could revel in the love for now, and miss my 
freinds later.  And my hunger returned in a big way!

Now, in that case, Jerry's question was a big help.  I'd known 
that the question was part of Virginia Satir's Ingredients of an 
Interaction, but until that moment I hadn't experienced how 
powerful it was.  Did the question help me to "control" my 
feeling?  I don't know.  Something like control, at least.

Second story.  In 1999, the day I moved to California, I was 
carjacked at gunpoint in the parking lot of the temporary 
apartment I'd arranged to live in.  Two guys kidnapped me, drove 
me around for a half hour holding a gun to my head, then finally 
let me go and drove away with my car.

A few days later, as I was walking across a parking lot to a 
store, I saw a guy walking toward me and began to feel afraid. 
More frightening still was my fear that I might spend the rest of 
my life being terrified in parking lots.

Somehow, it occurred to me to ask myself, "How do I feel about 
being afraid?"  I waited for the feeling about the feeling, and 
learned that I felt okay about being afraid.  My fear was guiding 
me to learn to be aware of my surroundings.  What a tremendous 
relief it was to feel okay about my fear!

That question, about how I feel about what I'm feeling, is now a 
wonderful tool for me.  Does it help me control my feelings?  It 
feels like a kind of control to me.  Or maybe a kind of freedom.

Dale

-- 
Web:    http://www.dhemery.com
Weblog: http://www.dhemery.com/journal (Conversations with Dale)



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