Re: Re: Introductions

>  > The reason I'm so anal about all this is that I used to live
>  > and see others living under the (usually not consciously
>  > noticed) belief that I should be able to control my feelings in
>  > the moment -- that the mere appearance of anger (or fear, etc)
>  > was well within my control and if that emotion was not helpful
>  > that I was at fault for the feeling itself, and next time I
>  > should try even harder to not feel 'bad'.
>
> I feel two ouches when I read this.
>
> The first ouch comes from the shoulds.
>
> The second ouch comes from thinking of being "at fault" for my
> feelings.

You should (no pun intended, maybe) feel these ouches -- I used to feel them
a lot more frequently, too :) We're on the same page here. I no longer
believe that I can control my feelings, I believe they are as reflexive as
my physical nervous system. Touch my skin, slap my face, I can't help but
feel that. Praise me, insult me, I can't help but feel that either.

> Jerry said, "How do you feel about missing them?"
>
> I waited for the feeling, then burst out laughing.  "I feel great
> that I'm going to miss them.  It means that I love these people!"
>   I decided that I could revel in the love for now, and miss my
> freinds later.  And my hunger returned in a big way!
>
> Now, in that case, Jerry's question was a big help.  I'd known
> that the question was part of Virginia Satir's Ingredients of an
> Interaction, but until that moment I hadn't experienced how
> powerful it was.  Did the question help me to "control" my
> feeling?  I don't know.  Something like control, at least.

Interesting -- this rings true with me as well, though nothing specific
comes to mind. "Something like control." I'll have to mentally chew on this.

> Second story.  In 1999, the day I moved to California, I was
> carjacked at gunpoint in the parking lot of the temporary
> apartment I'd arranged to live in.  Two guys kidnapped me, drove
> me around for a half hour holding a gun to my head, then finally
> let me go and drove away with my car.
>
> A few days later, as I was walking across a parking lot to a
> store, I saw a guy walking toward me and began to feel afraid.
> More frightening still was my fear that I might spend the rest of
> my life being terrified in parking lots.

Man, that's the second time I've heard/read you relate that story. I cannot
imagine what that must've been like.

> Somehow, it occurred to me to ask myself, "How do I feel about
> being afraid?"  I waited for the feeling about the feeling, and
> learned that I felt okay about being afraid.  My fear was guiding
> me to learn to be aware of my surroundings.  What a tremendous
> relief it was to feel okay about my fear!
>
> That question, about how I feel about what I'm feeling, is now a
> wonderful tool for me.  Does it help me control my feelings?  It
> feels like a kind of control to me.  Or maybe a kind of freedom.

That's cool. Again, I understand your point, and it doesn't seem to fit in
my tidy box of "I can't control my feelings, only my actions," ... yet it
does still. The initial fear in the parking lot was reflexive, it just
showed up. And that fear didn't go away. But the fear of having fear of
parking lots for the rest of your life ... well, that also showed up on its
own, I'm guessing the two fears showed up rather quickly, maybe in a big
blob o' fear? (Was there any shame? Shame of self, what kind of person am I
that'll now be at the mercy of parking lots?) By bringing that meta-fear to
light, it was quickly exposed and countered with a true belief you held --
that it's okay for you to be afraid.

Eh - I'm rambling, it's late ... but I have seen for myself the power of
simply bringing emotions and beliefs to the surface - writing them down,
thinking them, saying them outloud, especially to another person -- just the
act of exposing the issue can go great lengths to countering it (assuming it
needs countering) or re-inforcing it.

I guess to get specific again -- what you controlled was your thoughts (were
your thoughts? grammer police, pls...). Your emotions were never directly
manipulated -- your thoughts were, and the emotions were reflections of the
beliefs ... some beliefs were touched automatically and beneath the surface
(man in the parking lot coming into view) and some were touched deliberately
(asking yourself what you felt about the feeling...)

But I guess sometimes the loop isn't very large.

Hmmm.

Chris


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