Re: Don't Be Nice, Be Real

Hi Brad,

 > How can I recondition myself to listen more for overall message
 > and feeling, so that I am better able to empathize?

Here are some of the things I do.

Start by empathizing with myself, especially when my own 
behaviors violate my image of who I want to be.  A wonderful tool 
for self-empathy is The Value Question: "If I had that, what 
would that do for me that's even more important?"

Suppose, for example, that I've publicly and intentionally 
insulted Wilbur.  By "intentional" I mean that in that moment I 
wanted him to feel insulted.  That doesn't fit my vision of who I 
want to be, so I ask The Value Question to find a deeper intention.

If I could make Wilber feel insulted, what would that do for me 
that's even more important?  Wilber would think twice about 
dismissing my ideas.  (The cause-and-effect is pretty shaky here. 
  That's okay.)  Still doesn't fit my vision for myself, so...

If Wilber would think twice about dismissing my ideas, what would 
that do for me that's even more important?  He would consider my 
ideas more fully.  And if he considers my ideas more fully, what 
would that do for me that's even more important?  I would feel 
that he respected me.  And if I felt that Wilbur respected me, 
what would that do for me that's even more important?  I would 
feel safer offering my ideas.

With this step, I've found an intention I can strongly empathize 
with.  I could continue with The Value Question or discontinue 
it.  The first few times you do this, I recommend continuing with 
The Value Question as far as you can go, as long as you get 
answers.   The deeper intentions you discover are not only good 
intentions, but beautiful intentions.  (See the book Core 
Transformation by Connirae and Tamara Andreas for more.)

Once I've discovered my good intentions and empathized with them, 
I can try to find more effective behaviors to achieve my intentions.

After I've done this a few times, I begin to see that every one 
of my "unacceptable" behaviors comes from an intention that I can 
appreciate.  And after a few more times, I begin to see how other 
people's "unacceptable" behaviors might also come from wonderful 
intentions.

Whew.  That's one idea.

Another is to practice in situations where I am not feeling the 
kinds of stresses that knock me into my automatic, ineffective, 
unempathetic bahaviors.

Invite a few people to "practice empathizing."  Pair up.  Person 
A describes a moderately troubling problem they're having. 
Person B listens Person A's needs, guessing if necessary.  (As 
Bryson says, "You do not have to guess right.  Just guess 
human.")  Switch roles and do it again.

Or work in groups of four.  Person A describes a problem.  Person 
B listens for content.  Person C listens for the feelings. 
Person D listens for the needs.  Talk about what you each heard. 
  Talk about what you're learning.  Switch roles and do it again.

Does anyone have other ideas for practicing empathy?

A third idea, the most common one for me, is reflection.  If 
after some interaction (pleasant or unpleasant) I decide that I 
didn't empathize as much as I'd like, I can empathize after the 
fact, then bring my empathy to the next interaction.  And if I 
forget to bring my empathy to the next interaction, I can 
empathize after the fact, and so on.

That's how I do most of my learning about people stuff: 
reflecting after I "screw up."  Over time, I start to reflect 
sooner after.  Evantually I begin to catch myself in the middle 
of the interaction and switch to more effective behaviors. 
Sometimes, after lots of cycles, I find that I've gained some 
skill at the new, more effective ways.  If I can empathize with 
myself through all of this, that usually shortens the cycle.

Does that help?

Dale

-- 
Dale Emery -- Consultant -- Resistance as a Resource
Web:    http://www.dhemery.com
Weblog: http://www.dhemery.com/journal (Conversations with Dale)



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