Re: inner resistance

Hi Dale,
Great contibution. The 'option' solution I really like and I know from life experience that this really works. My son's friend at age 7 was crying every day when his mother brought him to school because he did not want to go to school. At a day the teacher said "you don't HAVE TO be here" and brought him back home. The boy never cried anymore when his mother brought him to school. Amazing huh? From that example I learned the what you call 'option' works in many cases. Thanks for reminding me.

I think I manage to create a lot of trust in my groups, because most participants really open up very quickly. Actually it is the # 1 task for me as facilitator, but sometimes there is someone in the group who need more safety than I can create at that moment. I agree that words are very important. Instead of asking for the resistance I would ask someting like: "What do you want?" because resisting means that somebody want something else than s/he is experiencing now. Or I would ask something like:  "What are your thoughts?"

Have an wonderfull day

Alex

 
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Dale Emery 
  To: [email protected] 
  Sent: Wednesday, December 03, 2003 12:11 PM
  Subject: Re: [resistance] inner resistance


  Hi Alex

  > Now the question is how to recognise and handle the resistence
  >  with OTHERS. For example. In my groupcoaching there is 
  > sometimes one who is resisting more or less everything. He 
  > does'nt like the group, doesn t like the process, already 
  > 'knows' everything others tell hem, etc.

  Is there anything that these people have in common?  For example,
  do they feel in some way compelled to attend, even though they
  don't like the group or the process?

  Are these intact work groups that you're coaching?  Is there 
  anything in common about how these "resistant" people are seen by 
  others in their group?

  > This person is, in my perception, highly resisting. How to get
  > to his resistence?

  If, as my hunch tells me, these people feel compelled to be in 
  the room, there's a good chance that they do not feel safe.  One 
  way to make things safer (though perhaps not safe enough) is to 
  make every part of the process optional.  Everyone is invited to 
  participate; nobody is required to participate.

  Here's an example.  I met Wayne Strider in 1992 at a wonderful 
  six-day workshop called the Problem Solving Leadership workshop, 
  which he was teaching with Dani Weinberg.  Wayne and Dani made it 
  clear that each activity was optional, and that it really was 
  okay to choose not to participate, or to participate by 
  observing, or in whatever other way fit for us.

  One participant took "optional" to heart.  For the first four 
  days of the workshop, he didn't attend a single session. 
  Instead, he played golf.

  On the fifth day, he came to the morning session.  We were doing 
  a "Temperature Reading," sharing appreciations, puzzles, 
  complaints, information, and hopes and wishes (see 
  http://www.dhemery.com/articles/temperature_reading.html).  Many 
  of us were sharing the insights we'd had, and the wonderful 
  interactions we'd had with each other.

  The "golfer" had been watching all of this, and becoming more and 
  more fidgety.  Finally, he couldn't contain himself any longer. 
  "I think I've made a huge mistake.  I was told by my boss that I 
  /had/ to come here.  I didn't want to be here, so I checked out. 
    /Physically/ checked out.  As I listen to all of the wonderful 
  things all of you are saying, I realize that I've squandered a 
  tremendous opportunity.  And as I say that, I realize something 
  else: this isn't the first time this has happened.  In fact, it 
  happens all the time.  This is a recurring pattern for me.  I 
  check out, mentally or physically or emotionally, and I miss a 
  wonderful opportunity."

  Wow!  What a powerful thing to learn!  I don't know how he could 
  have learned such a thing without Wayne and Dani making clear 
  that everything is optional.

  Wayne, I don't know whether you remember that incident, or 
  whether you remember it the way I do.  That was one of the many 
  memorable moments for me.

  > When I ask "What are you resisting" the immediate answer is
  > most of the times "Nothing!".

  I've found that I can get clean answers to questions like that 
  only when I've established a great deal of trust (and sometimes 
  not even then).  Again, safety is a key here.  I think that 
  certain kinds of questions require something like permission in 
  the relationship -- maybe not explicit permission, but permission 
  nonetheless.  If we've established safety and trust -- that is, 
  if the person has granted that permission -- I can ask a probing 
  question like that.  If the person /hasn't/ granted that 
  permission, the question may feel intrusive, and may create even 
  less safety for the person (especially if asked in public, in a 
  group where everyone else, by their behaviors, have established 
  the norm to share that kind of information).

  Another possibility:  Perhaps people don't think of themselves as 
  resisting.  For me, the word "resistance" is a characterization 
  of the person's behavior -- /my/ characterization.  It may not be 
  how they characterize what they're doing.  Using the word 
  "resistance" says that you're thinking about their behavior 
  primarily from your perspective of wanting them to do something 
  else.  Consider dropping the word "resistance," and using 
  neutral, descriptive words.  Or, perhaps better still, use words 
  that describe their behavior from /their/ perspective.

  Can you give an example or two of what these people do or say 
  that you're thinking of as resistance?  What do they do or say 
  that tells you they don't like the group or the process?

  Dale

  -- 
  Dale Emery -- Consultant -- Resistance as a Resource
  Web:    http://www.dhemery.com
  Weblog: http://www.dhemery.com/cwd (Conversations with Dale)

  I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year 
  and a half. -- Gracie Allen


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