You guys are awesome

Wow, it felt really good to get that all put into words after it had 
been floating around, disconnected, in my head for so long.  And it 
feels even better having all four of you respond!

George, I live in southern New Hampshire.  I grew up (1-13 years 
old) in the next town over called Dover, before I moved to 
Connecticut for 3 years because of my dad's promotion.  When we 
moved back (when I was 15/16) we moved into the town of Durham 
(20,000 not including the huge faculty/student body of UNH) because 
Dover didn't have houses nice enough for my parents' taste.

Colin, yes I think you're right.  We might have met in our dream, 
or, as you say, we will meet someday to seek out our dreams.  
Reading through your e-mail and experienceart.org I feel as if we 
had some of the same begginings.  The girl, Jeanette, whom I wrote 
my love-manifesto thing to - I'd always been satisfied with our 
relationship except for when I stepped *outside* of my own 
perspective.  I would then see how silly it was to love a girl and 
not be "going out" with her, nor with the near possibility of 
intimacy.
And as far as my use of pot and alcohol went (and some other stuff, 
unfortunately) I tried those for the same reason I tried "getting" 
Jeanette.  I saw my abstinence from them from the perspective of the 
people around me, and then though, 'Well that's mighty silly and 
self-important of me to swear these things off.'  All the while I'd 
had the mindset that people who did these things just did them to be 
cool, and that I was different for my genuity.  But I think it 
actually turned out that I was really insecure, and when given the 
chance I ended up trying to posture in just the way I saw everyone 
else posturing.  But, one thing that makes me happy from my return 
from my journey (the journey of insecure nerdy kid -> overconfident 
druggy -> insecure druggy -> secure "nerd" [now I know that labels 
are for that other-perspective]) is that, and this may sound 
conceited, people so alien to their true selves do have a chance.  I 
mean, somewhere during that time when I was feeling ashamed and 
hadn't yet "cashed in" on the indulgences of such a shallow 
lifestyle (that were waiting in the wings for the moment I lost my 
uneasiness) there must have been a series, or cycle, or growing wave 
of defining events - events that showed me that where I was wasn't 
where I wanted to be.

Sandrine, as you said, no, I don't know myself.  But I am hopeful, 
not complacently so, but because I can feel progress - although it 
hasn't materialized externally quite yet.  This identity crisis of 
mine loomed over a large part of my recent past (and I am, after 
all, only 19) but I can feel that I have clearly fallen out of that 
crisis, and am now seeping into my real self.  I'm finding the paths 
that seem right in sinking in.  I know, I know, I like metaphors way 
too much.

As for the possibilities of making external accomplishments, Colin, 
you're being group is pretty fascinating.  I first came upon the 
idea of the Extazeum (or Lyceum, because I hadn't gotten that far 
into it) I was asking myself what kind of tribal business I would 
like to run, what was something that I yearn to do and can share 
with others?  I saw it as more of a town-meeting type institution, 
with members paying a weekly dues for the upkeep of the hall.  Never 
did I consider the possibility of implementing it as a college 
club.  And my main problem was always how to advertise the 
Extazeum.  Personal ads!  I never would have thought of that!  I'm 
reading over the chronology of the being group, and it's pretty 
interesting, I think I might be giving it a shot soon, maybe not 
this semester, but soon.  I'd like to have the chance to chat, like 
someone mentioned, maybe you guys could all attend the Belize 
EcoVillage chat on Friday at 8pm?  Or we could use plain old Instant 
Messenger, it has a chat function too.  My screen-name is "cybrmarc".

One thing sort of bothers me about what you said, but I'm not sure 
if I should worry so much about it:  

"one thing I did find was that after a while I didn't want to talk 
with others
or learn who they were as much as I used to."

Reading through your journal it looks like getting people to talk 
about themselves/their thoughts was a really big urge to you.  When 
you say "as much as I used to," do you mean that you just don't 
strive for it so utterly, or do you mean that you aren't really 
passionate about such a thing anymore?  I think I sort of answered 
my own question...but anyways.

I also understand when you say we should each be looking for an 
environment that is best-suited to our needs.  My Extazeum idea was 
somewhat overly altruistic.  I felt like I needed to get the whole 
town involved, when doing so, or attempting to, would probably spoil 
the atmosphere needed for the type of discussion I want.  I've 
started reading Cultural Creators, and thinking about the 
renaissance you've mentioned - I think that it takes people acting 
on their changed minds (making EcoVillages, starting 
Extazeums/Lyceums) to affect the rennaisance we want/need.  Using 
our creations to change minds shouldn't be a conscious action, these 
institutions would introduce our ideals to the world in a serious 
context:

  "Deep in American life lies a dormant soul, almost obliterated by 
politicians and the media that consider it too lowly and weak for 
serious attention."
  
  That's what I often strived to do with my Extazeum, only in my 
head.  I wanted to shift Americans from watching TV and 
considering "Johnny finding himself" (or any moral/introspective 
story) as foreplay to "Johnny taking out the enemy camp with C-4" 
and "Johnny getting the busty blonde."
   Like I've read somewhere, people don't feel safe voluntarily 
abandoning their way-of-life/mindset unless they have something to 
switch to.  That is especially true in the general sense of our 
culture because "what's right," (not just one "right way," as we 
know isn't true) is almost defined negatively, as in, what's not 
happening right now.  My case was pretty extreme because the way I 
was living was so out-of-line with the ideals I'd held up until I 
was 16.  So my "alternative" was really my former self, and allowing 
it to grow rather than exterminating the last obstructive remnants 
of it.  But I'm sure there is some way that we can extrapolate from 
experiences like these to understand why I did come around.  The 
religious girl I talked to on the phone told me that "God works in 
mysterious ways," and that he "doesn't let us stray too far from our 
paths".  I can see the figurative truth in those statements, but I 
don't think would've been any help at all (in fact, it definitely 
would've pushed me away) were it said to the person I was 4 months 
ago.  I feel like I need to find the patterns... I can't quite 
express it yet myself, so here's a quote from a book by a witch 
Starhawk called Dreaming in the Dark:

   "If we speak to each other as equals, not about abstract theories 
but about the concrete realities of our experience, we will see the 
common forces that have shaped our lives."

and in turn...

   "the microcosm is shaped by the same forces that shape the 
macrocosm"

Which means that once we figure out what has shaped us, we have 
figured out what has shaped the culture that surrounds us.

I'm starting to ramble a little, I think, so I'll wrap it up with 
one last item of interest (see - that really sounds dry).  

Cal, the fact that you're just up and starting a Lyceum really 
excites me.  Please tell me more.  And the "cooperative learning" 
aspect of it sounds like a really good idea.  In my opinion, the 
kids should not only summarize the books, but they should do 
something that you can never get a child do *honestly* do in school -
 say how it affected them.  Where are you located?  In fact, where 
are all of you located?

So long for now,
-Marcus