Re: Bits from Argentina, please review

Emmanuel Arias <[email protected]> writes:

> Hello!
>
> We wrote a bits from Argentina regarding to the site visit.
>
> Please, could you review it? Any comments, corrections etc. is welcome.
>
> https://salsa.debian.org/publicity-team/bits/-/merge_requests/119/diffs

it is a bit of an odd read, im afriad

- every third word seems to be "argentina"

- it lacks a story/message: each sentence,and each paragraph seem to
  have little relationship to the one before or after: maybe think about
  what you want a reader to take from this

- you give dates without a month -- i'm not even sure if this is about
an eventin the future (2026?) or 2008? (if it's about the future maybe
say where in Argentina Debconf26 is) but then you link to something from
2022.

- it introduces people but does not say who they are, or why the reader
  should care. i think most people will give up after the first
  pargagraph

- some unusual wordings

  "we happily received to" -> ??? we were pleased to receive (but this
  seems overly formal, i didnt understand why this para was there ),
  
  "to visit the venue" -> i think in the context you mean "thanks for
  <people> for visiting the venue": but why were they/you doing that?

  "where we can make some talks" -> where we had some talks OR where we
  will have some talks (what month is this?)

  "is giving us", -> gives us

  "obviously sampled" -> needs some commas around obviously, unless you
  mean you were very conspicuous while drinking. And you say "the city"
  without saying which (no-one is going to remember the previous
  paragraph at this point)

  "who are all being" -> who were all

  "thanks <names>" -> we would like to thank, or "Thanks to". but what are you actually thanking them for - the talks in the afternoon?

  "who are making" -> who will make (i assume?)

  "the previous review" -> for reviewing an earlier version of (do you need this?)