Re: 9 Super-Heroes That are Perfect For the TSA's New Screening Policy

I guess Superman with his xray vision was too obvious?

 

From: [email protected] [mailto:[email protected]] On
Behalf Of [email protected]
Sent: Tuesday, November 23, 2010 9:52 AM
To: [email protected]
Subject: [DADL-OT] 9 Super-Heroes That are Perfect For the TSA's New
Screening Policy

 

Nov 23rd 2010 By:  <http://www.comicsalliance.com/bloggers/chris-sims/>
Chris Sims


9 Super-Heroes That are Perfect For the TSA's New Screening Policy
If you've been following the news -- or late night talk show monologues --
lately, you've probably heard about the new policy put in place by the
Transportation Security Administration, involving full-body X-Ray scans that
can see under clothes and the equally controversial alternate option of an
enhanced pat-down where screeners touch the breast and groin areas of
fliers. While these methods would probably be useful in keeping costumed
vigilantes from smuggling potentially dangerous anti-crime equipment onto
commercial flights (see left), it has left a lot of travelers more worried
about the privacy issues inherent in either getting unnecessarily groped or
having compromising pictures leaked onto the Internet.

In other words, it's exactly like a real-life version of Facebook, but it
also makes you miss your plane.

Like so many of the world's problems, it's one that would be easily solved
if only we had a few of our favorite comic book super-heroes to handle this
stuff for us. That's why today, I've picked out nine super-heroes that would
be perfect to handle the new searches!





#1. DAREDEVIL


  <http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsadd01.jpg> 



If you really want to get some efficiency into airport security checks, then
the obvious choice for the super-hero TSA would be Matt Murdock, alias
Daredevil, the Man Without Fear! After all, X-ray machines are completely
unnecessary when you have a guy who can smell gunpowder from a concourse
away, and you don't need to pat anyone down when you have someone who, as
the panel above shows, is literally touching everything around him all the
time with his mind.

Now you know why he was so happy back when he was teaming up with the
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Widow_%28Natalia_Romanova%29> Black
Widow every month. And why he really hates being around the Kingpin. 

Also, being blind goes a long way towards heading off accusations of racial
profiling. That said, he comes with a whole host of problems that are pretty
much dealbreakers, even before you get to the part where he's currently
possessed by the actual Devil. You think delays are bad now? Wait 'til
LaGuardia's getting attacked by ninjas every other week, and seriously? You
guys would be finding stewardesses with playing cards, loose change, and
other unlikely murder weapons sticking out of 'em pretty much everywhere. 




#2. HAZMAT


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsahazmat.jpg> 



Since most of the leeriness of the new policy seems to involve the new
technique of front-hand pat-downs (which I believe is the diametric opposite
of the  <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Oj0-splZw> Side-Hug), the
solution, as is so often the case, seems to lie with the X-rays. So why not
just go ahead and level the playing field by subjecting everyone to the same
amount of concentrated radiation as soon as they walk into the airport?

Aside from the glaringly obvious reasons, I mean.

It's the perfect job for Hazmat, the plucky young carcinogenic member of
Avengers Academy! And hey, she's even been trained for government service,
although a good portion of that training came from a megalomaniacal madman
who once dressed up in a Halloween costume to more effectively chuck blondes
off bridges. But hey, the guy got results. 

And should it be necessary, she's even capable of upping the radiation to
give people that healthy glow right through their clothes! It might seem
like a terrible idea, but trust us on this one: When it comes to radiation,
the word "rad" is right there at the beginning.




#3. FIRESTORM


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsafirestorm.jp
g> 



If, however, you want the guy dishing out the X-rays to be a little more
competent and slightly less likely to microwave this holiday season's
travelers where they stand like six-foot hot pockets, I'd suggest going with
Firestorm, the Nuclear Man. Not only can he control radiation, but he has
the uncanny ability to see molecular structures, meaning that he'd actually
be able to tell whether those six ounces you're trying to get on board are
dangerous, or actually just shampoo.

Plus, with the power to transmute matter, he'd finally solve the problem of
just what to do with all that contraband the TSA discovers. I've always
assumed they put it in a room like the one at Springfield Elementary on the
Simpsons ("A crossbow!"), but eventually you're going to run out of room,
and really, wouldn't those six pounds of disposable lighters look better as
a water feature?

Then again, getting a guy made from a teenage jock and a nerdy middle-aged
divorcee to handle your screening isn't exactly going to cut down on the
"random" hands-on searches of attractive women.




#4. DARKSEID


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsadarkseid.jpg
> 



Maybe I'm going about things all wrong by trying to speed the process up.
Maybe the best use of a super-human TSA would be to make things immeasurably
worse, at least for a while, just to make people grateful when it was
changed back to the way it used to be. Thus, the newest recruit, Darkseid.

Because seriously: You might think it's bad when you get pulled to the side
and groped between the legs by an underpaid guy with a sketchy mustache, but
when the alternative is an eight foot-tall rock-faced space god in a
miniskirt and thigh-high patent leather space boots? You'll take the
mustache any day of the week.





#5. HANK PYM


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsahankpym.jpg>




Because if you're going to do cavity searches, you might as well get a guy
with experience. 




#6. PLASTIC MAN


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/06/plasdress2.jpg>




At first it might seem like getting Plastic Man to do your searches is only
going to result in the pat-downs getting creepier -- and with the added
drawback of a constant noise like someone rubbing a balloon -- but with all
the complaints, maybe the best option is to just not tell people when
they're being searched.

Sure, there's the whole massive, unconscionable violation of privacy
inherent in that sort of setup, but as a tradeoff, you get the surprise of
having a guy who could be anything. The X-ray scanner? Actually Plastic Man.
The moving walkway? Actually Plastic Man. The entire Cinnabon franchise on
the concourse? Actually Plastic Man. 




7. FOREARM


  <http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/forearm.jpg> 



At this point, the official stance of the TSA is that the pat-downs are just
plain necessary to detect contraband, so it looks like they're not really
going to be going anywhere. It falls to me, then, to think of a way to make
them a little more pleasant.

To that end, we go to Forearm, quite possibly The Rob Liefeld's greatest
creation. See, he has four arms, so he'd be able to process you twice as
fast. Because of his four arms.

Which is why he's called Forearm.

Yeah, you're right. It's probably best to just move on.




#8. LOCKJAW


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsalockjaw.jpg>




Airport security teams have been using dogs for years to sniff out drugs and
other illicit items, so it's only logical -- well, what passes for logical
in this article, anyway -- to upgrade to a better class of canine than your
standard German Shepherd: Lockjaw, a dog with super-powers who lives on the
moon.

Not only does he have a history of saving the world and a pretty
intimidating presence, but he's easily one of the most laid-back characters
in comics history, and that tuning fork on his head gives him the power to
teleport. Chances are, if you run across Lockjaw while you're carrying
something you don't necessarily want the officials to find out about, you
can probably slip him a few Scooby Snacks to bypass the line entirely and
get zapped to your destination without ever setting foot on a plane.

Be advised, though: Even Lockjaw's teleportation gets routed through O'Hare.




#9. HITMAN


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/tsahitman.jpg> 



At the end of the day, the best way to go about things is going to be to get
someone who both loves his job and knows his stuff. Thus, Tommy Monagahan,
alias Hitman, a small-time Gotham City assassin who was kidnapped by evil
alien space-bugs who gave him X-ray vision and the ability to read minds. 

Yes, really.

The goofiness of his origin aside, those two powers make him absolutely
perfect for picking out illegal substances from a crowd of travelers, and
after 60 issues of blowing away evil super-humans for money using everything
from a 9 millimeter pistol to a World War II era tank, I'm pretty sure he
knows what to look for.

And hey, if you'd rather not have the creepy alien X-ray eyes of a hired
killer checking out your stuff -- which, now that I write it down, is pretty
understandable -- then don't worry. You can still opt for the pat-down;
Tommy's got a friend to take care of that too:


 
<http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/11/buenoexcelente.
jpg> 


Thom
http://thomwade.wordpress.com/
http://www.cafepress.com/Thomwade
http://www.in-one-ear.com
_______________________________________
"I want a song to learn and sing, of a life requited."-Echo & the Bunnymen

-- 
dadl-ot mailing list
http://mail.thehood.us/mailman/listinfo/dadl-ot_thehood.us
http://news.gmane.org/gmane.music.dadl.ot