THE ANTHEM TO END ALL ANTHEMS

http://www.steynonline.com/content/view/3629/30

Ten Years Ago
Sunday, 02 January 2011

A decade ago Moscow observed the turning of the year with a new national anthem by the author of the old national anthem. This guy's life was really one unending medley of his greatest hit. This number deserves a Song of the Week entry all its own, but in the meantime here's what I had to say in The National Post in one of my first columns of 2001:

Undoubtedly, the highlight of New Year's Eve was the first performance of the new Russian national anthem, which is the old Soviet anthem but with new words. What impressed me most about the new lyrics was the author: Sergei Mikhalkov. The same guy who wrote the old lyrics! And the lyrics for the version before that! Comrade Mikhalkov's first shot at the national anthem was in 1943, when he wrote it as a paean to his then mentor, Joe Stalin. Then, after Khrushchev had Stalin airbrushed out of the group photos, Mikhalkov was told to write some new words: wary of hymning any more here-today-gone-tomorrow dictators, Comrade Mikhalkov eschewed any odes to Khrushchev (very wisely) and the rest of the gang in favour of rhapsodizing the more general virtues of communism:

   "Sing to the Motherland, home of the free
   Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong
   O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people
   To Communism's triumph lead us on!" 

But times change and, when Vladimir Putin said Russia needed yet another rewrite, the 87-year-old Mikhalkov did his duty. After the "My kind of guy, Joe Stalin is" version and the "Commie, fly with me" version, Mikhalkov had no problem rustling up another set of verses for the "new" Russia. Let's see: no passing strongmen, no explicit political philosophy, best to keep it general ...

   "Be glorious, our country!
   We are proud of you!
   From the southern seas to the polar north
   Our forests and fields spread
   You are unique in the world, inimitable ..." 

I'll tell you who's uniquely inimitable: Comrade Sergei. What a survivor! He could do an entire "And then I wrote ..." evening with just the one song: "And now Sergei Mikhalkov performs a medley of his hit." Is there no subject he can't set to that tune? Go on, give him a call. "Hey, Sergei, love that melody! But I'm opening in Vegas and I'd love a couple of topical verses about Hillary's new book deal."

The wily old thing popped up on state television last week, and I thought we might get a little insight into his songwriting methods: "You know, when people ask, 'What comes first? The words or the music?', I always say: the regime!" But, instead, the Berlin of the Bolsheviks waxed philosophical: "The country is now different," he shrugged. "Russia has moved along its own path." He insisted he didn't miss his earlier lyrics: This was one red who ain't singing the blues. "What I have written now is very close to my heart. I wrote what I believe." Really? Pinned to his lapel was one of his four Orders of Lenin.

His first version - the Stalin one - was dismissed by a famous Russian actor as "shit." "So what?" said Mikhalkov. "When they play it, you'll still have to stand up." The second version - the post-Stalin one - was dismissed by the dissident poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko as "feeble." "Go home and learn it," Mikhalkov said. And now we have the third version. It's not "shit," it's not "feeble," but in its generalities and its determination to avoid anything other than topographical pleasantries it does ring oddly "Canadian."

Anyway, I can spot a trend as well as the next chap. A year ago in Britain, the New Year smasheroo was the Number One record by veteran popster Cliff Richard comprising the words of the Lord's Prayer sung to the tune of Auld Lang Syne. And before that we were all singing the tune of Candle In The Wind with new words about the late Princess of Wales. And before that Canada got the ball rolling, when the CBC deemed The Maple Leaf Forever too bloodcurdling and Britocentric and ordered up a rewrite. In place of Wolfe the dauntless hero planting firm Britannia's flag - not firm enough, alas - the new lyric by a Romanian immigrant, Vladimir Radian, celebrated the "blue unending skies" and "emerald fields." Not a lot of verdant sods in Hamilton or Iqaluit, but it's the way to go if you don't wish
  to give offence.

So, with that in mind, now is surely the time to attend to the deficiencies in our own national anthem. Unlike the CBC, I went straight to the experts. First, Cliff Richard. Any pop singer who can get to Number One by putting the Lord's Prayer to Auld Lang Syne would surely have no difficulties finding a new lyric for O Canada. "No problem," said Sir Cliff. "I always sing the words of Mambo #5 to O Canada. Works a treat. Just replace the 'O Canadas' with 'A little bit' and everything else falls into place:

   'A little bit
   Of Mon'ca in my life
   A little bit
   Of Er'ca by my side
   A-a little bit
   O-of Rita's all
   I-I need a little bit
   O-of Tina's what ...' 

The kids love it. It just makes the whole patriotism bag so much more relevant to them ..."

Well, I wasn't entirely persuaded, so I called Elton John. Elt's taken a great interest in Canada ever since he met his current partner, David Furnish, of Toronto. "You know," he said, "putting new words to an old tune can touch an entire generation. Immediately you called, I thought of Canada's tragic youthful icon and his premature demise. And funnily enough I happened to have a tune sitting around that seemed to fit him like an opera cloak. Stop me if you've heard this one before ...

   'Goodbye, Ottawa's rose
   Though I never knew you at all
   I met you in the Seventies
   Backstage at Massey Hall ...
   And it seems to me you lived your life
   Up in Canada in the wind
   Never knowing who to cling to --
   Margot or Streisind
   And I would have liked to know you
   But I was not a Kidder
   Your Canada burned out long before
   Your legend ever did-a ..." 

Well, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, and the more I thought about it the more I came back to Sergei Milkhalkov. It would be great if Robert Stanley Weir, lyricist of O Canada, was still around to update his text every generation ("Hey, you know where I went wrong first time round? Not enough 'stand on guards'!") but since he's not, why not offer Mikhalkov the gig? So I called him up in Moscow. It took a while to get through, as Putin was using the outside line, but eventually I got hold of Sergei and told him we needed a new lyric to reflect the many changes in Canadian society since the old discredited O Canada was written. He was happy to oblige, but asked if I'd mind dictating the original lyric down the phone, so off I went. It was a very bad line.

"Excellent!" he said. "Let me just check I heard it all correctly:

   'O Canada
   Our home on natives' land
   Strict Fed'ral laws
   In all thy guns command
   With glowing parts
   We see thee rise
   The true north strong and free ...' 

I take it that's a reference to government-funded Viagra?"

"Er ..."

"And then it goes:

   'And Stan's on guard
   O Canada
   We've Stan on guard for thee ...' 

Presumably, you are alluding to the renowned vigilance of your famous Commissar of Public Works at Walkerton, Mr. Stan Koebel. Excellent fellow. Wish we'd had him at Chernobyl, keeping things low-key until it's all blown over. To Bulgaria."

"In fact, it's not St..."

"And what a finale!

   'Our hospital's
   Glorious and free!
   O Canada
   We've Stan on guard for thee!
   O Canada
   We've Stan on guard for thee!" 

He paused. "You know," he said, "I never thought I'd say this, but I wouldn't change a word."


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