Re: [URGENT) [proofread] [EN]

Hi Richard,

thanks for your fast proofread.

Best,

Ana

On 9/10/24 21:55, Richard L. Schmeidler wrote:
> I am attaching versions of the xhtml from the two webpreviews that reflect my
> suggestions for improvements.
>
>
> For the press release, "The FSFE demands EU Commission sustainable
> long-term Free Software funding"
>
> 1.  "In the wake of the recent €27 million cut in the NGI funding, the
> Free Software Foundation Europe (FSFE) is responding to growing
> society concern by participating in a public consultation of the
> European Commission."  I suggest either omitting "society" or
> replacing "society concern" with "concern in society."  To say
> "society concern" seems to me to be strange English usage.  Omitting
> "society" solves the usage problem by omitting the rather vague
> assertion that society is concerned and leaving unstated who is
> concerned.  If you want to retain the idea that society is concerned,
> I suggest changing the word order.
>
> 2.  "Amidst the European Commission's unclear stance on future
> funding, the FSFE has participated in the public consultation pushing
> to ensure that Free Software solutions receive the necessary long-term
> funding."
>
> (a)  I suggest replacing "Amidst" with "In response to."  Amidst means
> "in the middle of."  I find it hard to see how anyone who observes how
> someone else is standing can be in the middle of that stance.
>
> (b)  I suggest inserting a comma after "consultation."
>
> 3.  ' “The EU’s digital strategy can only reach its full potential if
> it systematically focuses on Free Software” Alexander Sander, FSFE
> senior policy consultant emphasized.'
>
> (a)  Insert a comma after "Software."  Separate the quotation from the
> name of the source.
>
> (b)  Insert a comma after "consultant."  The title should be
> surrounded by commas.
>
>
> For the news item, "Bring Back Free Software Funding: Give Your
> Feedback to the European Commission"
>
> 4.  "A few weeks ago the European Commission made the decision to stop
> funding the Next Generation Internet initiative (NGI) in its then
> current draft for the Horizon Europe 2025 Work Programme,"  Replace
> the comma at the end of this sentence with a period (full stop).
>
> 5.  "This decision results in a loss of €27 million for Software
> Freedom."  Replace "Software Freedom" with "software freedom."  The
> general FSFE usage is to capitalize "Free Software" but not "software
> freedom."  See examples of both usages in the first paragraph of this
> news item and elsewhere in this paragraph.
>
> 6.  "a more open, independent and accessible internet"  Insert an
> Oxford comma after "independent."
>
> 7.  "Cutting funding for Free Software threatens to undermine this
> progress and potentially pushing Europe away from policies"
>
> (a)  I suggest removing "potentially."  The idea of potentiality is
> already fully expressed by saying that this is a threat.
>
> (b)  Replace "pushing" with "push" to be consistent with "undermine."
>
> 8.  "That is why we demand that the €27 million for 2025 to be back as
> well as secured, sustainable long-term funding for Free Software."
>
> (a)  Remove "to."  The sentence is grammatically correct without this word.
>
> (b)  Insert "brought" after be.  The demand is, in my view, rather
> that something be done (bringing back) rather than that the funding
> simply appear.
>
> (c)  I suggest inserting "demanding" after "as."  The two demands are
> somewhat different.  One demand is for immediate action, the other for
> a change in policy in the future.  So I think that it is good to
> phrase this as two separate demands.
>
> 9.  Heading:  "How to Take Action?"  I suggest removing the question
> mark.  Yes, this section can be phrased as a question, but I think
> that it is better phrased as an answer.
>
> 10.  "Participating is simple and it doesn’t take too long ."  Remove
> the space between "long" and the period (full stop) that follows it.
>
> 11.  "However, one of the biggest challenges we still face today is
> the vendor lock in and a lack of interoperability."
>
> (a)  I suggest replacing "one of the biggest challenges we still face
> today is" with "among the biggest challenges we still face today are."
>   It seems to me that there are two (related) challenges listed, rather
> than just one.
>
> (b)  Remove the second occurrence of "the" (before "vendor").  English usage.
>
> 12.  We strongly advise to prioritise the use and distribution of Free
> Software as well as providing financial support to relevant projects
> and the Free Software ecosystem.  I suggest replacing "to prioritise"
> with "prioritising" to be grammatically parallel to "providing."
>
> 13.  "focusing on independence, resilience, control, security and
> sovereignty"  Insert an Oxford comma after "security."
>
> 14.  "better and more secure software, tailored to their needs but
> also"  Insert a comma after "needs" joining with the comma after
> "software" to surround the phrase.
>
> 15.  "The Digital Europe Programme could only unfold its full
> potential"  I suggest replacing "could" with "can."  This looks
> forward, rather than backward.
>
> 16.  "the EU can assure that tax's payers money"  Replace "tax's
> payers" with "taxpayers' ".  (Possessive plural.)
>
> 17.  "An open and interoperable digital public sector, is critical for
> addressing"  Remove the comma after "sector."  It is a good general
> rule that it is wrong to have just a single comma between the subject
> and verb of a sentence.  (A pair of commas is common, and sometimes
> there will be three or more.  But not just one.)
>
> 18.  "which strengthens our common argument for sustainable funding
> for Free Software demonstrating that this demand comes from an engaged
> community"  I suggest inserting "while" before "demonstrating."  The
> unstated point here is that simple copying of a provided text can make
> even massive quantities of submissions unpersuasive.
>
> 19.  "If you should successfully submit a response"  I suggest
> removing "should."  While "should" is grammatically correct, the
> sentence is much stronger without it.
>
>
> On Tue, Sep 10, 2024 at 11:10 AM Ana Galan <[email protected]> wrote:
>> Dear all,
>>
>> we want to send tomorrow (wed Sep 11) before 11 am the following PR and news item:
>>
>> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1274
>>
>> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1273
>>
>> I know it is a last minute thing but it would be great if you could help with its translation.
>>
>> Best,
>>
>> Ana
>>
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>
-- 
Ana Galan - Senior Project Manager Communications
Free Software Foundation Europe
Schönhauser Allee 6/7, 10119 Berlin, Germany | t:+49 157 92 34 72 12
Registered at Amtsgericht Hamburg, VR 17030  |(fsfe.org/support)

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