Re: [needs proofread] DMA - Appple case page

Hi Richard,

thanks for the proofread.

As you noticed, the html is full of other things - that is also my lack 
of html skills as I am not really good at creating new pages yet (and 
they work different that our usual news items) but Tobias (our system 
admin) is aware of it and he will fixed that part.

Sorry also for the quote. I really thought I downloaded the last version 
from webpreview but it seems I send the previous one.

Thanks a lot

Ana

On 10/22/24 17:36, Richard L. Schmeidler wrote:
> I have proofread this news item using the webpreview to which you
> referred.   I am attaching a version of the html that you attached
> that reflects my suggestions for improvements.  (I am using your html
> file for this purpose so as to avoid the possibility that the very
> convenient webpreview may become a moving target.)
>
> In particular (and I suspect that this may be a "moving-target"
> matter) I have encountered a substantial discrepancy between the
> webpreview and your attachment.  See my #9.   If you tell me which one
> to follow (or send replacements for one or both of the webpreview and
> your attachment), I shall proofread afresh.
>
> 1.  First image, alt text:  "Illustration of an apple with a worm in
> its inside"  I suggest replacing "in its inside" with "inside it."
> English usage.  [To the contrary, I must admit that there is a
> well-known song in the comic opera "The Mikado" with the words ' "Is
> it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried, "Or a rather tough worm in
> your little inside?" ']
>
> 2.  "Its unbalanced power spans over key aspects of software and
> devices, profoundly distorting digital markets."  I suggest removing
> "over."  English usage.  The verb "to span" already contains the
> concept of over-ness.
>
> 3.  "Apple’s dominance negatively affects not only competition among
> other companies, but software freedom, open internet and ultimately
> digital democracy."  You mention competition among other companies,
> but not competition with other companies.  If this is what you want to
> say, I have no objection, and I am not offering a suggestion for
> improvement.  But if I were writing this I would either say
> "competition with other companies" or "competition with and among
> other companies."  You seem to be excluding the impact of Apple's
> dominance on its own competition with other companies (such as
> Microsoft).
>
> 4.  "The DMA imposes on such companies several obligations, like the
> right to install and uninstall software in devices"  I suggest
> inserting "allowing" after "like."  The rights to install and
> uninstall are not themselves obligations of Apple; they belong to
> Apple's users.
>
> 5.  "prohibitions to non-removable pre-installed software"
>
> (a)  I suggest replacing "prohibitions" with "prohibition."  Of course
> this suggestion should not be followed if there is more than one
> prohibition.
>
> (b)  Replace "to" with "of."  English usage.
>
> 6.  "In September 2023, the European Commission designated Apple as
> “gatekeeper” under the DMA."  Insert "a" before "gatekeeper."
>
> 7.  "With that, the law began to apply on Apple’s operating system,
> app store and browser."  Replace "on" with "to."  English usage.
>
> 8.  "However, Apple has taken an aggressive position against the DMA
> starting litigation against the European Commission in November,
> 2023."
>
> (a)  Insert a comma after "DMA."
>
> (b)  Remove the comma after "November."  In the first sentence of this
> paragraph (see my #6, above), and in the very next sentence, there is
> no comma between the month and the year.  Aside from the issue of
> correct usage, I find the inconsistency grating.
>
> 9.  On the webpreview, there is a quotation from Dr. Martin Husovec,
> the lawyer representing FSFE in the court.  He is described in the
> previous sentence in the text of the webpreview.  Both the text and
> the quotation appear in the xhtml generated from the webpreview.
> Neither the text nor the quotation appears in the the html file you
> attached.
>
> 10.  "Dr. Martin Husovec, a lawyer with extensive experience in
> strategic litigation for non-profit is representing the FSFE before
> the court."  Replace "non-profit" with "non-profits."  "Non-profit"
> (more commonly "nonprofit" in the US) is an adjective or a singular
> noun; "non-profits" is the plural noun that is needed here.
> (Obviously, I have not put this suggestion into my version of the html
> file.)
>
> 11.  "we claim the case be dismissed completely"
>
> (a)  Replace "claim" with "urge" (or something else).  In English
> usage, "claims" are assertions of facts or rights.  This is a request
> to the court, but I do not think that the FSFE has an established
> right to this result, rather than urging it on the court as being
> just.
>
> (b)  I suggest inserting "that" before "be."
>
> 12.  "Here is how your rights are affected by this litigation:"  I
> suggest rewriting as "Here is how your rights will be affected by this
> litigation if the FSFE is successful:"  The various rights listed
> would be adversely affected if Apple is successful!
>
> 13.  "Software developers will enjoy less restrictive barriers to
> access and distribute their software in environments controlled by
> Apple"  I suggest inserting "be able to" before "distribute."
>
> 14.  "Software developers will be able to demand from Apple rights
> allowing the installation of third party apps (side-loading), the use
> of third party app stores, the un-installation of pre-installed
> software in devices;"
>
> (a)  I suggest replacing "from Apple rights allowing the" with "that
> Apple allow."  The right to install an app on their computers belongs
> to Apple's users, not the developer of the app.
>
> (b)  Replace the comma after "stores" with "and."  The consistent
> usage in this news item is not to use Oxford commas (but not to string
> together a list without saying "and.")
>
> 15.  "Software developers will be able to demand effective and
> free-of-charge interoperability between their software with Apple’s
> software and hardware controlled by Apple’s operating system."
> Replace "with" with "and."  English usage.
>
> 16.  "Users will benefit from more competition and offers from
> third-party providers, including alternative app-stores, features and
> solutions."  Replace "app-stores" with "app stores."  This form is
> used consistently in this document.
>
> 17.  Caption:  "Apple may have more billions of dollars than FSFE has
> balloons. However, such concentrated power should not intimidate us to
> defend Software Freedom!"  Replace "to defend" with "from defending."
> English usage.
>
> 18.  While putting my suggestions into the html file I am attaching, I
> see that at the top of the html file you attached there are a lot of
> references to Youth Hacking 4 Freedom.  I am not fluent in html, and I
> do not know what effects these will have, but I don't see them in the
> xhtml generated by webpreview.  Of course, I am not making any
> suggestions about these and other details of the html.
>
>
> On Tue, Oct 22, 2024 at 5:30 AM Ana Galan <[email protected]> wrote:
>> Dear all,
>>
>> we want to publish next week the following page:
>>
>> https://webpreview.fsfe.org/cgi/fsfe.pl?pad=1289
>>
>> it would be great if it can be proofread. It will be also a good to have
>> it translated so this case will take a lot of time and it would be good
>> to have this information in several other EU languages.
>>
>> Best,
>>
>> Ana
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>
-- 
Ana Galan - Senior Project Manager Communications
Free Software Foundation Europe
Schönhauser Allee 6/7, 10119 Berlin, Germany | t:+49 157 92 34 72 12
Registered at Amtsgericht Hamburg, VR 17030  |(fsfe.org/support)

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This mailing list is covered by the FSFE's Code of Conduct. All
participants are kindly asked to be excellent to each other:
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