Re: Chessmen and Dominoes / Will Dockery

> Michael Pendragon wrote:
> Will Dockery wrote:
> 
> I like the surreal/dreamlike feel to this, but wish the narrative were a bit more clear.
> 
> Grammatically, it's got some real problems which I'll address individually (below):
> 
> 
>> Chessmen and Dominoes
>> 
>> Hair rolling down her back
>> he sank as if into a sea.
>> 
> 
> 
> Line 1 describes a female subject, but line 2 switches the subject's sex.
> 
> I know what you're trying to do, but this structure is grammatically unsound.
> 
> Try modifying 1st line to focus on the male subject.  For example:
> 
> "Memories of hair rolling down her back
> he sank as if into a sea."
> 
> It's still not a proper sentence, but I've noticed that you prefer to work with thought fragments.
> 
> 
>> His back packed with paper
>> 
> 
> 
> I'm guessing you mean "backpack packed"?  As written, his back has been cut open and stuffed with paper.  This is a stunning, imaginative (not to mention gruesome) introduction to a corpse, btw, but as he appears to be pulling game pieces out of hats, I'll assume it's just a typo.
> 
> 
>> sax red in hand on the street.
>> 
> 
> 
> I've never seen a red saxophone, and am quite lost at this point.
> 
> Also, it would appear (grammatically) that the papers were blood red -- which is in keeping with the corpse reading -- but how did they jump from a cavity in his back to his hand?
> 
> 
>> He was hungry but so confused
>> 
> 
> 
> Hot dogs or donuts?
> 
> 
>> vision and memory
>> of hair rolling down her back
>> he shrank as if into a sea.
>> 
> 
> 
> One generally shrinks *away from*, as opposed to *into* something, but I can live with this.
> 
> 
>> And he reached into his top hat
>> pulling for a rabbit.
>> 
> 
> 
> Beginning the sentence with "And" connects the content to the preceding line (period notwithstanding), which would imply that he shrunk away from the memory of her hair to reach into his (metaphorical?) hat.
> 
> This actually makes sense in a slightly convoluted way: in that he would be grasping at mental straws to push this seemingly painful vision from his consciousness.
> 
> I kinda like this, but have no idea if I'm on the right track.
> 
> 
>> (his stomach in knots in hope to find her)
>> 
> 
> 
> I would include capitalization and period here, as the parentheses don't fall within either the preceding or following lines.
> 
> Also you might consider a more fluid rendering:
> 
> (His stomach in knots, in hope of finding her.) or
> (His stomach in knots, hoping to find her.)
> 
> Unfortunately, this parenthetical statement blows my reading clear to the other side of Texas.
> 
> 
>> Finding only chessmen and dominoes
>> dominoes and chessmen.
>> 
> 
> 
> Which is where I find myself at the moment: holding a mismatched handful of game pieces (or, puzzle pieces), without the slightest idea 0f what I'm supposed to be playing.
> 
> 
>> Narrowed his eyes at the cars
>> light sprinkled on the 285 river.
>> 
> 
> 
> At the "cars'/lights"?
> 
> I'm guessing "the 285 river" means a river off Interstate 285?
> 
> 
>> The jagged freezing sleet
>> it pounded him in sets of shining slivers.
>> 
> 
> 
> I would drop the awkward (and unnecessary) "it".
> 
> 
>> He was hungry but so confused
>> 
> 
> 
> Bacon cheeseburger or salad?
> 
> 
>> memory so bitter and sweet
>> of hair rolling down her back
>> tears in the splashes of silver.
>> 
> 
> 
> Nice image, but I don't see the "jagged freezing sleet" as making splashing..
> 
> 
>> He reached into his top hat
>> grasping for a rabbit.
>> (momentary shock of nothing there)
>> 
> 
> 
> Again, Cap/period within parentheses.
> 
> 
>> Just a hand full of chessmen and dominoes
>> dominoes and chessmen.
>> 
>> Up into the elevator,
>> 
> 
> 
> Ok ... the man's walking down an Interstate into an elevator?
> 
> concrete lips
> 
> The wall framing the elevator serving as a metaphor for the unfeeling/uncaring lips of the girl with the flowing locks?  Good metaphor, but I'd like to have more of an idea as to who she is/was and what happened to her/them.
> 
> 
>> the gasping coldness of the barren shaft.
>> 
> 
> 
> Meaning that the elevator isn't there?  But he has already gone "Up into the elevator,".
> 
> Btw, I can't read this w/o thinking it's following up on the symbolic allusion to her hard lips with an allusion to his shriveled member.
> 
> 
>> The empty hall with floating ghostlike
>> silver snow fell onto his boots.
>> 
> 
> 
> Now he's gone from an elevator to a hall? ... okay, slight passage of time/progression of narrative.  It wouldn't be confusing if I weren't so desperately lost at this point.
> 
> What is problematic for me is that it appears to be snowing inside the hall..
> 
> 
>> He was hungry but so confused
>> 
> 
> 
> Taco or turducken?
> 
> 
>> the moonlight reflected on the snow.
>> 
> 
> 
> In the hall?
> 
> 
>> Vision and memory
>> 
> 
> 
> Two key words.  I'm hoping the hall, elevator, street, snow are all in his head -- a dream, or hallucination, brought on by grief over the death of the hairy girl, or the end of a love affair with her, or both.
> 
> 
>> of robin's nest of hair on her back
>> 
> 
> 
> Good idea, poorly executed.  It reads as if the "nest" of hair was growing out of her back.  (I could this in a David Lynch film.)
> 
> 
>> her head turned, two stabs of blue.
>> 
> 
> 
> Very good -- her eyes stab him with ... anger? pain? accusation?  But for what?
> 
> 
>> He reached into his top hat
>> there was a dwindling feeling.
>> 
> 
> 
> This places the feeling inside his hat.
> 
> 
>> The cold felt
>> personal
>> blown down just for him.
>> 
> 
> 
> Good passage.
> 
> 
>> Finding only chessmen and dominoes
>> dominoes and chessmen.
>> 
> 
> 
> And the speaker, and reader, remain confused.
> 
> I'll have an egg salad on rye.  ;-)



I'd forgotten this in depth poetry critique.

Thanks again, Pendragon.

😏 


This response appears in the discussion at:
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewtopic.php?p=659012282#659012282

-- 
Via JLA Forums web gateway for alt.arts.poetry.comments:
http://www.jlaforums.com/viewforum.php?f=655