Re: Kids & "lying" (formerly Re: Introductions)

Diana wrote:
I think we adults largely have forgotten the days when imagined things
became real. We throw around words like archetype and forget how close
those intuitions/instincts/understanding are in our psyches. Children
have not developed the convenient categories like truth and lies into
which things/actions can be sorted. 


I don't think we adults (at least this one) have forgotten--at least I hope not.  I may have added categories and ways of sorting along the way--you know to be more "adultlike".  And decades later I am delighted to rediscover some of that fuzziness between imagined things and reality.  I wonder if sometimes feelings triggered by present circumstances (like change) track back to an earlier time when something imagined became real though the details may have long since faded.  

I remember resisting starting our own business (my wife and I) because I imagined that for a period of time I would have to depend on her and her corporate job for my financial obligations. The plan was I would get the business started and at some point she would quit her corporate job and join me.  It took us a while to figure out why I was resisting. I felt I would be violating a rule I got as a youngster.  The rule was, "I must always pay my own way."  It was a very strong emotional reaction, but it was clearly coming from back there and then, not the present. We eventually worked this out after some clever reframing.  May 2003 was our sixth year in business together.

Wayne.
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: DianaLarsen 
  To: [email protected] 
  Sent: Saturday, May 17, 2003 12:37 PM
  Subject: [resistance] Kids & "lying" (formerly Re: Introductions)


  --- In [email protected], "Chris Morris"
  <chrismo@c...> wrote:

  > I like the way you put that. I was sort of thinking the same thing when
  > writing my reply to Ron, but didn't really make this point. But I
  really do
  > agree -- this is one of the challenges I face with my 5 and 6 year old
  > boys -- they say things that are outright lies, but many times I
  just think
  > they aren't able to be entirely clear.

  I like the way this conversation is going. And it reminds my of when
  my youngest son was 3-5 years old. The two older children and their
  father would play a game called Bear, which mostly consisted of Dad
  crawling around on his knees, roaring and "swatting" while the kids
  climbed all over him and showed how brave they were in confronting
  this bear. In observing the play, I could usually notice the moment at
  which for my youngest, Willem, (a child blessed with an amazing
  imagination) Dad ceased to be his friendly father and actually BECAME
  a pretty scary bear in Willem's reality. His voice changed from
  cheerful laughter to nervous agitated laughter, his facial expression
  shifted from open and secure to pinched and anxious, etc. It took a
  while before I understand this shift in reality. The veil between
  reality (my world view) and fantasy was very thin for him and easily
  pierced. 

  I think we adults largely have forgotten the days when imagined things
  became real. We throw around words like archetype and forget how close
  those intuitions/instincts/understanding are in our psyches. Children
  have not developed the convenient categories like truth and lies into
  which things/actions can be sorted. 

  It's our job to help them integrate (not forget as many of us were
  encouraged to do) these worlds and learn to interact in a community of
  shared views. Punishment does not seem to be an outstanding success at
  this. 

  Diana

  Diana Larsen
  Industrial Logic & FutureWorks Consulting, LLC
  www.industriallogic.com
  www.futureworksconsulting.com

  "Asking the proper question is the central act of transformation."
  Clarissa Pinkola Estes

  Upcoming Tutorials: XP2003, Agile Development Conference 2003,
  XP/Agile Universe 2003


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