Re: Empathy / Acceptance

Brad -

Interesting extensions. Hmmmm. . . .

Brad Appleton <brad@b...> wrote:

> So maybe the issue is one of perception? If I am resisting you
regarding something you want me to do, what is it about me that you
are saying you will accept? How will you communicate that to me in a
way that makes me feel accepted that will also lessen my resistance
and make me more willing to consider what you are asking of me?

The issue always seems to be one of perception.  And, although I
hesitate to use the 'a' word (always), I suspect it will mostly be
about perception.

If you are resisting doing what I want you to do which is based on
what I think / feel needs to be done in this situation by you), I
first accept that it is me doing the assignment of resistance.  The
resistance is first in my own head -- my own perception of what it
means when you don't do what I'd expected you to do.  This is my own
perception -- my interpretation.  I first own that.  Acceptance begins
at home.

When I ask you about the puzzle I have -- that I expected X and you
did Y, I pose the 'facts' of the situation as I know them -- without
blame or judgement since I don't have enough information, just sensory
data (although as an automatic meaning generating being -- ENTP --, I
accept that I am more than likely to describe an interpretation rather
than hard sensory data).  I accept that I expected X and observed Y. 
And I ask what that means to the other person.

Their response could be any myriad of things -- they might not even
know what I was expecting, they might have interpreted that they were
supposed to do something different -- or later, or in a different
context.  They might feel threatened, they  embarrassed, or
uncomfortable, or hoping someone would come along and visit with them
(lonely).  I accept their response as their response, ask about any
further puzzles (not 'why did you feel that way?' but more like 'what
prompted that feeling for you?' to really get information about what
was going on inside of them that wound up looking like resistance
through my eyes.).  

What I'm saying I would accept you as you are -- that you
think/thought the way you say you think/thought, that you feel the way
you say you feel, that you did or didn't do what you did or didn't do.
 Your thoughts and feelings are neither good nor bad -- they are.  My
thoughts or perceptions about something may differ from yours -- which
is one point from which we can connect if we first accept where we
begin from and then move from there.  

As to how will I communicate in a way that will make you feel
accepted?  I have two responses:

First, I would like you to feel accepted so what I will do is accept
what you do and try not to ascribe judgement or nefarious intention to
you. I try not to make assumptions as to why you did or didn't do
something -- that way I don't have to first 'get over' my own
interpretation problem.  I might try to apply generous interpretation
-- making up a generous story about why it made sense for you to do /
not do something.  I might even make up a story about why I would do
what I see you doing.  Which might wind up in my identifying with you
-- empathizing.  But without checking that out with you, I'm still
making judgements -- and not seeking to accept first.

Second, I don't think 'making you feel accepted' is my job (emphasis
placed on the 'making you' part) -- I am willing to accept if you
don't feel accepted (and to know that I'd have to ask and believe what
you tell me -- since I don't have access to better information).  And
if you are interested in carrying on a conversation about why you
don't feel accepted, I might be willing / interested in engaging in
that conversation (and, would accept that you might want something
that I am not interested in).  

And I perhaps cannot convince you that I accept you.  And I can accept
that too.  And, usually, when I'm genuinely accepting, the other
person seems to feel accepted -- at least the conversation seems to
proceed in a productive and constructive manner.  

Yes, sometimes I might really identify with the situation the other
person is in -- and if I share that it might help them understand /
accept that I do understand and accept how they are feeling.  Because
feelings and meanings are so personal, I often describe a situation in
which I felt / thought a certain way to see if that relates to how
they feel / think -- the context provides a richer medium for making
connection and showing that I do understand.  However, this, to me,
feels different than an 'I feel your pain' empathy.  
> 
> (Is that even the goal? And if you "accept" me does that mean that
you no longer need/want me to change (maybe someone else, or yourself
instead?))

I think the goal really goes beyond me wanting you to do X.  I assume,
and would check these assumptions explicitly, that we are both working
towards a common purpose, A.  I might say "I think you need to do X so
that overall we can accomplish A."  One possible (and frequent) cause
of resistance is misalignment about what A is or what A means.  So
that is one point of potential friction.  When we can come to
agreement about what we are both trying to accomplish (A), then we can
move to the level of what actions we thought were appropriate to lead
to A.  I share that I expected that the other person would do X -- and
talk about why that makes sense to me.  I listen (and I mean the
listening that includes my own willingness to be changed by what I
hear) to find out their perception.  

The resistance can come from a mis-alignment of expectations, or from
a load of other reasons.  My point is to accept the data for what it
is.  And work from there.  Without loading it up with all sorts of
assumptions based on the meanings I am ascribing.
> 
> If I want to feel all of (a) heard, (b) understood, and (c) valued
... then is that the same thing as feeling "accepted"? How will
someone make me feel that way regarding something I have expressed if
they do not use empathy as a means to convey acceptance?

I don't know if that is the same thing as being accepted for you.  I
only can speak for myself.  I do want to feel heard (which means that
the other person is willing to consider being changed by what they
hear from me), I also very much like to feel valued -- which for me
means that my opinion and feelings are considered relevant, even if
they cannot be accomodated in this situation given the broader
objective. For me, these are the two hallmarks of acceptance. Your
needs may well differ.   

Understanding is always nice -- but because many people do not have
the time or inclination (or shared context) to be able to understand,
I do not add this to the mix of acceptance for me.  I consider
understanding to be separate and distinct from acceptance.  There are
lots of people who hear me, understand me, and say they value me but
then insist that I become someone that I'm not, don't accept that I
might not be able to do that, and work to reform me.  In this case I
do not feel acceptance.

It reminds me of my first marriage -- we were both trying to change
one another, perceiving each others' not changing as resistance which
we assumed was our job to 'fix'.  When we finally got to the point of
accepting one another as we were, we were able to let go of the
compulsion to 'fix' anything and accepted that we were happier
establishing separate lives.  Used as a resource, this resistance
became a strong foundation for each of us to live a better life.  As a
problem, it was unacceptable and we could not access it as the
resource it was.  The difference?  Acceptance of how it was.

Now, another thing I might be led to accept is that you are not going
to (which could be a matter of don't want to or can't) do what I
assess the situation requires.  In this case, I accept this as the way
it is and take action based on that.  I don't mean, by acceptance,
that I just roll over and play dead and give up on my own assessment
of what is required.  It does mean that I have to give up on my notion
of how it was going to get done (by you -- if you are unable or
unwilling to change).  If the situation requires someone to do X, then
perhaps the resistance to change is in myself in expecting that you
will be the one to do X. 

Amy

Amy Schwab
True North pgs, Inc.
http://www.projectcommunity.com


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