Re: Empathy / Acceptance

Brad Appleton  wrote:
> 
> A description of empathy I've hear in the context of dealing with
resistance and influence is this:
> 
>     Instead of putting others in their place,
>        put yourself in their place.
> 
I wasn't thinking of empathy as being this -- this follows what I call
'the most generous possible interpretation' guideline.  But perhaps my
thinking of empathy was more narrow than would be more useful.

> I got this from Sam Horn's book "Tongue Fu!" (I've seen/heard it
other places as well). If the idea is to be better able to connect
with them, then an empathetic response would show that you can
understand what they are trying to say, as well as the feelings they
seem to be conveying, and that you can relate to feeling that way.

I still stumble over this notion of showing them that you can
understand what they are trying to say.  I think this is shown by
engaging them in a sincere conversation -- and also acknowledging when
I do not or cannot understand or relate to how they are feeling.
> 
> Sometimes someone feels they have an extreme/exceptional case, And
trying to tell them you "feel their pain" may feel offensive. In which
case, unless you truly have had an _extremely_ similar experience
(e.g., loss of a young child) then don't try to make them think you
understand what they are feeling when you can't possibly. I think one
can still empathize however by saying something like "Omigosh - I
can't even beging to imagine how that must make you feel!" - I think
that would be a use of empathy to convey understanding and acceptance
(tho not necessarily agreement)

I think there is a useful distinction -- between understanding that
they feel a certain way (which I would term acceptance) and
understanding how they might feel that way (which is what I call
understanding), and understanding how they feel (which seems to more
empathetic).  Sometimes in order to stay centered in a difficult /
off-centered situation -- it is more useful for me to consciously
choose a level of acceptance.  It provides me with a better grounding
from which to instigate change.  

Amy


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