Weight of Words

(re: 
http://www.dhemery.com/journal/archives/2003-06/the_weight_of_words.html)

This brought to mind a couple of rules from a counseling group I was in. 
The first being directly relevant: Share your insides with others' 
outsides.

Dale's example sentences illustrate this perfectly. The first two

    * Jeff is a resister.
    * Jeff is resisting.

are stating an observation as fact, and do not include anything from my 
'insides'. They would better expressed as

    * I believe Jeff is a resister.
    * When Jeff said, "I don't have time for that," I heard that as Jeff
      resisting.

It's a bit more effort to get both sides of the equation in there (my 
insides, your outsides), but it keeps things in the right scope. I can't 
lay claim to other people's insides -- I don't ever really know, unless 
they are shared with me. This is a good example of the term "boundaries" 
which is bandied about in the counseling world. Boundaries are about 
respect. I will respect you enough to keep my statements in line with 
the truth. The truth is I only know what you said (assuming I didn't 
screw that up as well) and only have an opinion as to what the source 
is, until you give me some feedback.

I see (and create :-) many problems in relationships stemming from this 
lack of respect.

The other rule Dale's article brought to mind was: Speak in first person.

To me, this was the most amazing rule. It seemed small, but was 
remarkably difficult to abide by, both because of the previously 
unobserved prevelance of second-person abuse in my language, and the 
increase in intensity by laying direct claim to my actions and beliefs.

Here's a couple of sentences above changed to the second-person 
abusive-form:

    You should respect others enough to keep your statements in line
    with the truth. The truth is you only know what others say (assuming
    you didn't screw that up as well) and only have an opinion as to
    what the source is, until they give you some feedback.

    You see (and create :-) many problems in relationships stemming from
    this lack of respect.

I'd be interested in feedback on the above. To me, it's a bit startling 
how different those sentences come off.

The only negative to the rule is that I now notice second-person 
abusive-form everywhere I go and it drives me nuts. (I was watching a 
sports show the other day and listened to an Olympic gold winner 
describe his particularly rare accomplishment (that escapes me now) all 
in second person. "You see all those people there cheering you on as you 
race to the finish..." or somesuch.)

-- 

Chris
http://clabs.org/blogki
http://cministries.org/blogki



------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ---------------------~-->
Get A Free Psychic Reading! Your Online Answer To Life's Important Questions.
http://us.click.yahoo.com/Lj3uPC/Me7FAA/ySSFAA/X1EolB/TM
---------------------------------------------------------------------~->

To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
[email protected]

 

Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/