Re: inner resistance

Hi Alex

> Now the question is how to recognise and handle the resistence
>  with OTHERS. For example. In my groupcoaching there is 
> sometimes one who is resisting more or less everything. He 
> does'nt like the group, doesn t like the process, already 
> 'knows' everything others tell hem, etc.

Is there anything that these people have in common?  For example,
do they feel in some way compelled to attend, even though they
don't like the group or the process?

Are these intact work groups that you're coaching?  Is there 
anything in common about how these "resistant" people are seen by 
others in their group?

> This person is, in my perception, highly resisting. How to get
> to his resistence?

If, as my hunch tells me, these people feel compelled to be in 
the room, there's a good chance that they do not feel safe.  One 
way to make things safer (though perhaps not safe enough) is to 
make every part of the process optional.  Everyone is invited to 
participate; nobody is required to participate.

Here's an example.  I met Wayne Strider in 1992 at a wonderful 
six-day workshop called the Problem Solving Leadership workshop, 
which he was teaching with Dani Weinberg.  Wayne and Dani made it 
clear that each activity was optional, and that it really was 
okay to choose not to participate, or to participate by 
observing, or in whatever other way fit for us.

One participant took "optional" to heart.  For the first four 
days of the workshop, he didn't attend a single session. 
Instead, he played golf.

On the fifth day, he came to the morning session.  We were doing 
a "Temperature Reading," sharing appreciations, puzzles, 
complaints, information, and hopes and wishes (see 
http://www.dhemery.com/articles/temperature_reading.html).  Many 
of us were sharing the insights we'd had, and the wonderful 
interactions we'd had with each other.

The "golfer" had been watching all of this, and becoming more and 
more fidgety.  Finally, he couldn't contain himself any longer. 
"I think I've made a huge mistake.  I was told by my boss that I 
/had/ to come here.  I didn't want to be here, so I checked out. 
  /Physically/ checked out.  As I listen to all of the wonderful 
things all of you are saying, I realize that I've squandered a 
tremendous opportunity.  And as I say that, I realize something 
else: this isn't the first time this has happened.  In fact, it 
happens all the time.  This is a recurring pattern for me.  I 
check out, mentally or physically or emotionally, and I miss a 
wonderful opportunity."

Wow!  What a powerful thing to learn!  I don't know how he could 
have learned such a thing without Wayne and Dani making clear 
that everything is optional.

Wayne, I don't know whether you remember that incident, or 
whether you remember it the way I do.  That was one of the many 
memorable moments for me.

> When I ask "What are you resisting" the immediate answer is
> most of the times "Nothing!".

I've found that I can get clean answers to questions like that 
only when I've established a great deal of trust (and sometimes 
not even then).  Again, safety is a key here.  I think that 
certain kinds of questions require something like permission in 
the relationship -- maybe not explicit permission, but permission 
nonetheless.  If we've established safety and trust -- that is, 
if the person has granted that permission -- I can ask a probing 
question like that.  If the person /hasn't/ granted that 
permission, the question may feel intrusive, and may create even 
less safety for the person (especially if asked in public, in a 
group where everyone else, by their behaviors, have established 
the norm to share that kind of information).

Another possibility:  Perhaps people don't think of themselves as 
resisting.  For me, the word "resistance" is a characterization 
of the person's behavior -- /my/ characterization.  It may not be 
how they characterize what they're doing.  Using the word 
"resistance" says that you're thinking about their behavior 
primarily from your perspective of wanting them to do something 
else.  Consider dropping the word "resistance," and using 
neutral, descriptive words.  Or, perhaps better still, use words 
that describe their behavior from /their/ perspective.

Can you give an example or two of what these people do or say 
that you're thinking of as resistance?  What do they do or say 
that tells you they don't like the group or the process?

Dale

-- 
Dale Emery -- Consultant -- Resistance as a Resource
Web:    http://www.dhemery.com
Weblog: http://www.dhemery.com/cwd (Conversations with Dale)

I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year 
and a half. -- Gracie Allen


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